Episode 409:
Knowing Needs and Helping Hands
Debbie is finally letting go of Vic and to get her need met, to get her head out of her books and get on with her life, she grows some balls and reaches out to Carl. Carl didn’t need anything from Deb and was just helping a friend out of the purest of intentions, with no hidden agenda. It was obviously misinterpreted and the end result did not get Deb what she needed.
Ben is letting go of his desire to be a writer but he doesn’t really want to so he holds on to the last thread of hope by letting go of his “no fraternization” rule, and to get his need met of feeling like a success, he takes a leap and reaches out to Anthony. Anthony needs something from Ben but his motives haven’t been revealed yet. He does seem to give a hint of romanticizing with Ben’s spiritual journey after his HIV diagnosis. And the thing that seems to bug me the most about what he’s said so far is that he called Ben’s diagnosis a “conversion”, like it was a miraculous metamorphosis from an ugly caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly. I don’t know, he makes me uneasy and it goes deeper than just the fact that Ben could end up cheating on Michael.
Emmett also let go of Vic (gee, I wish Brian could) and to get his need for a chef met, he solicits the aid of Darren. Darren needs money so there you go. I actually like this because I did like the Darren character but the actor really needs to work on his prat-falls because that stumble just looked awful. The need for a chef isn’t Emmett’s only need though. He was desperately in need of a storyline that didn’t involve being Deb’s border. He was dangerously close to becoming nothing but her hag-fag. So he grew some balls to stand up to a big, beefy football player (very nice body, BTW, uh hmm) with his definition of what makes a real man. This being their first conversation can only mean one thing… foreshadowing that the definition is exactly what Drew is grappling with, why he needs Emmett, and what this storyline will be about. Of course we can’t be sure because they just introduced him but I feel pretty confidant that this will have something to do with repressed homo tendencies that he can’t allow to surface or be public because in his world of he-man, macho, football players, being gay would make him less than a “real man”. In fact this storyline may be headed where I thought the Hobbs thing was going in Season 1. It didn’t dig too deeply into Hobb’s motives other than hate and ended up having disastrous results as we all know. Let’s hope for a different outcome this time. Drew is a lot older than Hobbs was so I’m assuming he’s accepted who he is but just can’t find the balls to tell anybody because of his career and his image. It’s also interesting that Emmett wears number seven on his pseudo football jersey for the party and then when he goes to Drew’s later he asks what number he is and the answer is seven. Lucky number seven, perhaps? Hmmm. Could it be kismet… fate… love of your life stuff or just cutesy foreshadowing?
Lindsay, we don’t really see her going after anything yet but she’s definitely starting to let go of her morals and stifling family life in order to fulfill her need for inspiration. The thing that has me interested in where this story is going is Sam’s need. He doesn’t need this showing so his need for Lindsay is something else. I’m guessing it has something to do with needing a woman to challenge him. I’m not quite ready to say that he’s simply after a roll in the hay. He’s made mention a couple of times of Lindsay’s smarts so his desire to help her by allowing her to show his work may not have the dark intentions I first thought. But then again, nailing a smart woman, who’s married, doesn’t fool around, and has no interest in being with a man because she’s a lesbian, would be quite a notch on the bed post, wouldn’t it? Kind of like the reason Valmont wanted Madame Tourvel in the first place. Let her keep all her virtues and beliefs but still be unable to stop herself from giving in and going after something that she doesn’t really want. Yep, that’s the ultimate challenge.
Michael holds onto his ‘just you and me’ dreams with Brian and reaches out to help him. But Brian knows his motives and smacks him over the head with a little bit of reality by shoving him away. I’m impressed that Michael then let go and grew some balls to reach out to Justin and accept that he was the person that Brian really needed right now. The thing that is sad for Michael in this episode is that his need to be needed is so great that he tries to fix everything but yet he doesn’t have a clue how to do that. He comes around with Brian when he realized the best way he could help him was to go get Justin, but with Ben he hasn’t figured it out. The computer for Ben was well intentioned but it ended up being just another blow to his already fragile ego. Like Brian won’t take money from Justin, Ben doesn’t want Michael supporting him. The alpha-male syndrome at its finest. And it’s not just the money, the computer can’t make him a better writer. It’s not a matter of physical limitation like it was with Justin when Brian bought his computer, it’s about talent. No computer can give you that. You have it or you don’t. Justin’s computer wasn’t to make him a better artist, it was to enable him to be the artist he already was. Ben’s first book may have been published, but even Ted wasn’t too impressed with it and there’s been numerous funny hints about how it didn’t sell well so that leads me to believe it got published because it was topical and that’s it. I’m not usually one to say give up on your dream but it just seems to me that if he’s not going to take the constructive criticism that the first publisher gave him and try to rewrite the weak parts then maybe he should quit writing.
Brian holds on to his need to not need anybody but then slowly lets go when he realizes that he’s really sick. First giving in at work with Ted then to Justin at home. The thing with Ted makes sense because of what he said to Michael in 408 about how he handled his weaknesses with Emmett. He completely understands the alpha male syndrome so he offers Brian help in the right way. He never says to Brian that he can’t handle things at work, he simply says, “Why don’t you go home?” Kind of like Justin telling him in 408, “I know you can.”
Hunter doesn’t really fit in to any of these issues but it’s interesting that after Vic’s death it was Ben who connected with him and understood his need to receive a little compassion. He dismissed Ben’s fear that he was having trouble coping but ever since then they’ve been going to great lengths to show his connection with Michael and distancing him even further from Ben. Not too sure if this is to magnify Michael’s boyishness or to hide Hunter’s internal fear about his disease. I mean Ben is like a walking reminder to him and hell, he’s only 16, thoughts of illness and death are not what he needs at that age.
So really everyone is just a big mess, or I guess I should say everyone except Ted and Emmett. Isn’t that interesting? At the beginning of the season Ted was in rehab and Emmett was out frolicking with Harry Hay. Now they seem to be happy and making a success of themselves. Everyone else was in a happy place in 401/402 but now have issues out the wazoo. Let’s hope Ted and Emmett stay on the right path and the rest eventually catch up with them.
Radiation Therapy
The episode opens on Brian, I mean Rage, no it’s Brian, strapped to a table with a laser aimed right at the jewels, I mean jewel. Oh, sorry, couldn’t resist. Upon the entrance of poor, ole, dead, sadistic Uncle Vic, we realize we are inside Brian’s brain and he’s having another nightmare. Poor Brian. Does it make me sadistic if I admit to kind of enjoying Brian’s inner world? Not his agony, of course, but the scenes are great and he always looks so good in them. Too bad Justin’s not there, this could be great fodder for the next issue of Rage. But okay… let’s get serious even though Vic isn’t.
V: Isn’t this fun?
B: Maybe for you but that’s because you’re a sadistic shit!
V: Who, me?
B: I’ll never tell you where the jewels are!
V: Make that jew-el!
Oooh, he’s just mean and nasty now that he’s dead, isn’t he? But I guess death would tend to piss you off. Poor Brian.
Just thought of something. Isn’t it weird to be saying that all time? Last season, ‘poor Ted’… this season, ‘poor Brian’. They are really playing up this Ted vs. Brian thing, aren’t they? Ted being Brian’s nightmare and Brian being Ted’s dream. Ted showing more confidence, Brian showing more insecurity. Makes me wonder… If Rage is modeled after Brian as he is normally… does that mean that Ted could be Rage’s everyday guy like Spiderman’s Peter Parker or Superman’s Clark Kent? You know, not as good-looking, kind of a bumbling nin-cum-poop. Hmm. Interesting. I doubt seriously that that’s what they’re doing, but it just struck me because so many of us have called Ted the anti-Brian and well, that’s usually what the everyday guy is in comic books… the anti-hero. Anyway, just thinking… back to Brian’s nightmare and the underlying cause of this one.
V: And actually who knows? If you’re lucky, you might even get a few more good years. Like me!
Now that Brian is going through treatment we see some guilt creeping up where Vic is concerned. Brian is having second thoughts about what he said to Debbie about Vic the night he died. See, Brian is changing.
I have been of the mindset that most of Brian’s bullshit mantras flew out the window when he got back with Justin in 308. I still believe that, but it was subjective on my part. I couldn’t ‘really’ prove it with Brian’s words, I was only able to give examples of the hidden stuff that led to my conclusion. Well, evidently the writer’s didn’t think that was good enough and they have decided to have Brian verbally retract his mantras so that the change in him was more obvious. Undebatable. No denying it. What are his five main mantras? (I know there’s more, but these seem to be the most important ones.) “I don’t believe in love.” “I don’t do boyfriends.” “No Excuses.” “No Apologies.” “No Regrets.”
The ‘no boyfriend’ thing has been history for a very long time in my book and has been verbally retracted as far back as 312 when he called Justin his undefined, unconventional boyfriend to Hunter. In 401 he called Justin his partner and in 407 it was the ball and chain (LOL). So… out of his own mouth… the “I don’t do boyfriends” thing is off the list and has been since last season. That’s really nothing new.
The cancer story arch seems to be attacking the trio mantra of excuses, apologies and regrets.
In 407, Brian made up excuses to not be intimate with Justin and in 408 made excuses for not contacting him while he was gone. The all-about-brutal-honesty-Brian was made to lie, to make up excuses for his behavior because of the cancer. No Excuses? Hah! History.
This week, in 409, Brian’s nightmare is showing us regret. He is regretting his words to Debbie, that’s why Vic says them in that evil cackle. These particular words may not have come directly from Brian, but if it’s Brian’s nightmare then any words spoken by the caricatures in the dream are really his words. Subconsciously. So I’d say the “No Regrets” mantra is done but I wonder what else Brian may be regretting from his past?
The next one to go should be “No Apologies.” I would suspect it’ll be coming in 410 and there’s two people he could apologize to. To Deb for his words about Vic or to Justin for the ‘shitty’ way he treated him. Not sure which one we’ll get… we could even get both.
Now we all know Brian loves Justin but if we use this new “he must speak it with his own voice” theme they’ve got going on then we can’t cross it off the list. At least not yet. I don’t anticipate it anytime soon but this may be a weird foreshadowing that it could happen eventually. Maybe next season. These others were quite big on their own and seemed to be directly related to the cancer story and him facing his mortality.
Anyway, just something I noticed. Could be nothing. Sadistic scientist Uncle Vic blasts Brian’s lone ball with the laser. He screams. And then a voice, a female voice, awakens him. Safe at last. Maybe. Brian’s in a doctor’s office radiation room in a hospital gown. Obviously the laser part of the nightmare was accurate. Poor Brian. Can we go back to the nightmare? It’s easier to take than the reality. Sniff. She helps him sit up and starts giving him (and us) the spiel of what’s going to happen now.
Nurse: Mr. Kinney. Mr. Kinney. That’s it for today, we’ll see you again tomorrow. And I should warn you… you’ll feel fine for the next few hours but you’re gonna hit a wall around noon. Nausea, pain, fatigue. They’re all normal side effects. In fact, I would suggest that for the next few days, you just stay home. Take it easy. Don’t go to work.
B: Thank you, nurse, that’s excellent advice!
Gee, we could tell by the sound of his voice the next time we see him will be at Kinnetik. Can you blame him? He just started his own agency, took however long off to have the surgery and now this? He doesn’t have time to be sick.
But we have good news! With his type of cancer, a seminoma, if they are treating him with radiation and not chemotherapy then that means that the cancer was not malignant and had not spread to his lymph nodes. So, all things considered… he was lucky, which means he’ll get a few more years, just like Uncle Vic. Actually, probably a lot more years. Once the radiation treatment is done… he’ll be monitored closely but for the most part, the cancer can be forgotten about. (As in the writers may completely ignore it next season.)
Kinnetik
Yep, Brian’s not real good at taking advice, he goes to work. He walks through those snazzy glass doors to Kinnetik and what does he see the minute he walks in? Justin. The last person he wanted to see. Of course he needs him, he’s just not ready to admit that yet. According to the nurse, we have a couple of hours yet before the nausea kicks in and he really gets his ass kicked. Right now he’s still operating with the notion that he can get through this without any help from anybody.
I do want to add one thing before proceeding. The first time I watch this scene, I was devastated. Hated it and had a hard time coming to terms with why Brian was so hateful. Hated how much pain he must be in to do to the one person who means the world to him. But I get it now, so while it’s still hard to accept that Brian’s losing it and hard to watch him berate Justin, it’s getting easier… a little bit. And of course all things painful become an outlet for humor, that doesn’t mean I’m making light of the situation, I’m not. It’s just my way to deal with it.
B: What the fuck are you doing here?
J: I’m waiting for you. You won’t answer the door. You won’t return my calls.
B: Well, that should be a hint.
J: Why won’t you see me?
B: Cynthia! Cynthia!
Interesting that Brian can’t answer the question. Just like in the end of 408 when he brutally threw him out by only saying the same thing over and over… no explanation whatsoever. He knows his reason is for shit and there’s a small part of me that is actually snickering at Brian in this scene. He is scared out of his mind. He doesn’t want to see him because he just can’t handle it. He didn’t want to kick him out, he had to and it was hard. In my little twisted mind, when he called out to Cynthia instead of answering Justin’s question, it sounded an awful like he was yelling out to his mommy to save him. Big, bad Papa Bear Brian is scared to death of little Goldilocks. Don’t you just want to hug him and tell him that Justin won’t hurt him? It’s just so painfully sad.
A thing I love about Justin through all this… he says, “You won’t answer the door.” He has a key and has been coming and going however he wants for months now. We didn’t see Brian take his keys from him or ask for them back but he did tell Justin that they were no longer partners. So the only thing I can gather is he’s not using his key because it’s a boundary thing. If Brian kicked him out of his loft and Justin doesn’t live there and Brian denounced their partnership then in a sense, Justin no longer has the right to use the key. And unlike certain lesbians and pseudo mothers (all women by the way), he will not just enter where he’s not wanted. It’s called respect and Justin has it. Of course this only applies because he doesn’t have the answer to his question, “Why won’t you see me?” Once he gets the answer to that then to hell with the respect thing. He’ll have to step over the boundary line in order to do what’s best for Brian and give him what he needs.
C: Jesus, Brian, what’s going on?
J: You can’t just kick me out.
B: Watch me.
This whole scene happens very quickly just like it was at the loft. Brian has never been known to mince words but the quickness says something too. He just can’t handle prolonging it. He has to get it over with as fast as he can and Justin is just not cooperating.
This is where I lose it. Along with the swiftness that mirrors the loft scene, it’s also just as harsh but this is ten times worse because it’s humiliating for Justin. The loft scene was a private deal. Just between Brian and Justin. This was public and Brian involved others and dang, that’s just so brutal. But you know, it had to be. Justin is obviously calling him and coming over and now showing up at the office. This is stalker Justin, unwilling to give up on Brian. Brian knows how he is, knew he’d go all the way to Ibiza to drag his ass back. So because Brian wants this over with, he had to be extra harsh, extra brutal. Not only hurt him but humiliate him and threaten him. It’s the only way that Justin would give up on him. I understand it but it was really hard to watch. And this is probably the very reason why Justin stays pissed and hurt for longer than usual.
B: I don’t want his calls, I don’t want him in this office and if he comes near me I want a restraining order. Got it?
Cynthia and Justin stare at him like he’s gone nuts. And he has. A restraining order? From Justin? Bwahahaha. I mean, it’s not like he’s still hanging out with psychotic Cody and carrying a gun anymore. Then he tips the scales and I’m seriously surprised that Cynthia didn’t call the funny farm and have him committed.
B: And if some asshole named Vic Grassi calls from Hell, you can tell him I’m in a meeting.
Okay, so Brian is severely messed up. Are we surprised? He is the uber drama queen, isn’t he? And his cliff pushes have always been over the top and harsher than they needed to be. I hate that he did this to Justin but I’m glad that Justin witnessed this outburst about dead Uncle Vic. That bit of craziness coupled with the brutality of the break-up will help him see the big picture and put the puzzle together later.
Diner / Liberty Avenue
At the diner, Michael is musing over the baby’s ultrasound with Lindsay and Melanie when Justin walks by.
M: Hey, where have you been? I need those panels so I can come up with some dialogue for the evil anal-prober.
J: How about up your ass?
M: Sounds about right.
I love pissed off Justin and he has every right to be. This is the second time Michael has betrayed him. Justin storms out, Michael gets up to follow him and Lindsay and Melanie are left dumbfounded with what could be the trouble between Brian’s best friend and Brian’s lover… something to do with Brian no doubt, but they don’t know about the cancer.
M: Hey. Hey! What’s up with you?
J: What do you think? You told him that we knew, didn’t you?
No shit, why is Michael clueless as to what could be wrong with Justin? Now granted he may not know that Brian kicked him out but he was there when he told him that Justin knew. He saw the look and attitude on Brian’s face. He should just know that Brian was going to do something and he should have just contacted Justin and told him that he messed up. Now could he have done it before Justin went to the loft? Probably not, there wasn’t enough time. But when he saw him in the diner (obviously the first time he’s seen him since the flub up with Brian) he doesn’t say, “Hey, I need to talk to you.” He says, “I need those panels…” He had no intention of coming clean and this was after he told Justin not once but twice to keep the secret. It’s just immature to not admit that you messed up.
M: Look, I, I didn’t mean to. It just…
J: What? Slipped out? ‘We know you have cancer.’ That is the fucking lamest excuse I’ve ever heard. You’re the one who said that we should be strong and honor his wishes.
M: I’m sorry!
J: Do you have any idea how hard that’s been? Why are you sorry? Did he kick you out? Did he say he never wanted to see you again? Well if that’s the way he wants it, I’ll be glad to honor those wishes too!
Regardless of Michael’s reasons, Justin’s right. It was the lamest excuse ever. But I love how he reminds Michael about how it was his idea to be strong, a direct hit that Michael wasn’t and was therefore weak. And also that he implies ulterior motives and calls him on his bullshit. Just like in 301, Justin is not willing to let Michael get away with shit out of weakness or stupidity. He is an adult and should be held accountable for his actions. Plain and simple. I also like him telling Michael how hard it was for him. We saw it, it was very hard for him. So I ask you, who loves him enough to honor his wishes? Who puts Brian’s needs above his own? Well I think this scene gives us the answers.
But let’s talk about Michael’s look as Justin stomps off. What is he thinking? Justin asked him, “Did he kick you out? Did he say he never wanted to see you again?” The answer: No, he didn’t. Oh boy, oh boy, the wheels are turning. Could this be it? Could this mean that Brian is through with Justin and ready for him to take his place at his side? His bestest friend in the whole wide world? Brian wants him. Brian needs him. And what does Michael do when Brian needs him and wants him? He goes, ready and willing as we’ll soon see, just like he did in 301-302. This is his chance. He needs to be needed. Just like Deb needed to take care of Vic for her own selfish reasons, Michael’s reasons for nursing Brian are for his own need to play house with him.
Kinnetik
At Kinnetik, it must be around noon because it appears that Brian has hit that wall that the nurse was talking about. Ted walks in to find Brian on the couch, wearing his coat and covering his face with a file. Brian keeps his coat on and wears a scarf around his neck throughout the episode, which to me is odd so let’s take a moment to talk about research and medical questions regarding what is happening with Brian.
My research mentioned the nausea and weakness that would be a side effect of the radiation but didn’t say anything about chills or fever. But that that doesn’t mean anything. I have found numerous websites dealing with testicular cancer and they all say different things. I mentioned in 407 that one had said they could biopsy a piece of tissue off the testicle without removing it, then test it, if cancerous they remove it, if not, they don’t. Other websites say no, they have to remove it in order to test it. Some websites say that the artificial testicle can be placed at the time of removal and that a type of protective sock is worn to cover the testicles and penis during the radiation treatments which are usually directed at the nearby lymph nodes and not the scrotum. Others say the artificial testicle can not be placed until later during a subsequent surgery after the radiation treatments are over. Even the incision seems to be in different spots on various websites, some say in the crook of the leg where the leg meets the torso. This description explains why Brian was wearing the type of underwear he was wearing in 408, the kind with the partial leg, a loose fitting trunk similar to boxers. A brief with elastic around the leg hole would rub the incision if that’s where it was. Others say it’s in the lower abdomen to the side of the infected testicle but at the bikini line… that would not be in the crook of the leg. So I’ve come to this conclusion… it is not the same for every patient or for every doctor.
The only thing I found consistent throughout the research was that seminoma is usually treated with follow up radiation treatment if the cancer had not spread to the neighboring lymph nodes otherwise you have more than the testicle removed and you get chemo.
So if others want to condemn Cow/Lip for how they portray Brian’s symptoms and recovery, they can go ahead. I’m not because whatever they find on one website, I can find the contrary on another. So who knows where Cow/Lip did their research. For all we know, one of the writers working on this storyline had testicular cancer and he’s telling his story here. I’m just gonna go with the information they give me and right now that information is that Brian’s incision is in the crook of his leg (based solely on the type of underwear he’s wearing); his cancer has not spread and he’s going to be okay (based on the fact that he’s receiving radiation and not chemo); and he is nauseous and has the chills (based on him throwing up and wearing the coat and scarf). Whether he has had the fake testicle put in yet or not is anybody’s guess at this point but I think the doctor implied that it would happen during the same surgery. It’s the only way he would have thought that he could fool Justin into never knowing about the cancer. But I’ll be ready to retract my thought once we see or hear something that proves one way or another. The research is just too unreliable.
T: Brian. Brian? Jesus Christ, what’s wrong?
B: Nothing. I’m fine. Why do you ask?
T: Well, for one thing, you look like shit.
B: Thank you.
T: This is the second time this has happened.
B: Fucking accountants. They have to keep a record of everything.
I think this is when it starts to occur to Brian that he’s not doing such a good job of hiding what’s going on with him and he may have to tell Ted. He doesn’t want to though, hence why he says again, ‘I’m fine’.
T: I just want you to know that you can trust me. As a friend and as someone who has been through it all. I mean there is nothing I haven’t seen or done, which is why I don’t presume to judge anyone, but there’s one thing I know. The first and hardest step you’ll ever have to take is admitting you have a problem. Once you’ve done that, you’re on the road to recovery.
Now he has to tell Ted. The last thing he wants is for it to get out that Brian Kinney was pathetic enough to allow addiction to get the better of him. That would imply a loss of control over your life and well, Brian can’t have that. Brian is not Ted! Right?
B: It’s the Big C, Ted.
T: Cocaine?
B: It’s bigger.
T: Crystal?
B: Bigger.
T: Caffeine?
B: It’s cancer, Theodore!
T: C-c-c-
B: But relax. They got it. I’m having radiation. It started this morning. Would you excuse me?
I love Brian calling Ted, Theodore. Too funny. Anyway, Brian goes to throw up. Ted pours him a glass of water and waits for Brian to finish. He doesn’t freak out, he just deals with the news and moves on. No doom and gloom. Brian comes back out, takes the water, grateful for Ted’s non-reaction reaction.
T: I can’t tell you how relieved I am.
Okay, that was funny. It implied that Ted is thinking what’s a little cancer compared to an addiction. That’s not what he meant but you know by the look Brian gives him, he thought the same thing. Ted corrects himself and Brian says thank you. Wow such a cordial exchange between these two. Has Brian ever said thank you to anyone sincerely before?
T: I mean, that you’re gonna be alright.
B: Thank you.
He goes to lie back down on the couch then does another thing he’s never done before… realize his limitations and allow someone to help him. Someone that’s not making a big deal out of it and is treating him like a real person and not an invalid. Gee, the same thing that Brian did for him when he got out of rehab and offered him a job. I guess Ted pays back his debts just like Brian does.
T: Is there anything I can do?
B: As a matter of fact, you can do three things. First, keep your big mouth shut or you’re fired.
T: Sealing, sealing. The second?
B: I want you to cover for me this afternoon with Dandy Lube.
T: Cover for you?
B: Make the presentation.
T: But… I…
B: Look, if you could pretend that you were Pavarotti at that pathetic pasta palace, you can do this.
T: What’s the third?
B: Call me a cab. I’m going home.
I’m so proud of both of them and completely relieved that their business relationship is working out so well.
Kinnetik
Well, while Brian is not Ted, it appears that Ted is the new Brian. What’s so hard to believe about that? After all, if orange can be the new blue and red can be the new black then it only seems logical that Ted could be the new Brian. We cut to a conference room at Kinnetik where Ted is doing his best impersonation of Brian with the Dandy Lube guys. He’s tossing an apple (not catching it of course) and talking about how their product will sell better after it’s been sexualized. Just goes to show you that Ted paid attention during all those Brian brag-a-thons at Woody’s during Season One.
T: The difference between our lube and their lube is that our lube says “sex.” If you wanna be cool, if you wanna be popular, if you wanna get laid, this is the lube you use... on your car, I mean.
Of course his presentation isn’t going like it does with Brian. He forgot that for it to work you have to seduce the client with your eyes. It’s not just the words, it’s the whole package. The image. Mr. Dandy Lube guy is not buying it.
Old Mr. D: I fail to see how getting an oil change or having your tires rotated can improve your sex life.
T: Well, see that’s where you’re wrong.
Old Mr. D: I’m wrong?
T: Not, not wrong. I mean, just… not right.
Whoops. Salesmanship/Retail 101… The customer is always right. Cynthia jumps up and intercedes.
C: What he means is that with a sexier, more playful new image, you can expand Dandylube’s share of the market.
T: Yeah, yeah… that’s it. What she said.
Old Mr. D: By suggesting we have half-naked muscle boys offering lube jobs at a clothing-optional garage?
C: By appealing to women and gay men.
Young Mr. D: It’s an interesting point, Dad. Gays are an important demographic these days.
Old Mr. D: Well, we’re meeting with Vanguard this afternoon. I’m sure they’ll have a more straightforward approach.
Oooh, low blow. Not just competition but THE competition with a ‘straight’ approach. Ted has failed. I hurt. Staunchy old guy gets up and leaves.
Old Mr. D: Coming, Doug?
Young guy gets up too but instead of leaving, he approaches Ted and Cynthia.
Doug: Could you direct me to the men’s room?
C: It’s down the hall to your left.
He goes and Cynthia starts pushing Ted to close the deal.
C: That’d be your cue!
T: My cue?
C: To nail the account!
T: Oh, no. I couldn’t. I mean, well, what makes you think that he… suppose he’s not…
C: It never stopped Brian. Make him proud.
So what? Did smoking crystal meth fry the part of Ted’s brain that his gaydar was located in? But it’s funny, he’s always wanted to be Brian and this is his chance, but yet he seems less than thrilled as Cynthia pushes him to go to work. Maybe he’s remembering his last foray into impersonating Brian. That was a complete failure… but Ted is a new Ted now. More confidant. More like Brian. Tee Hee. He goes and finds Doug at the urinal. At bathhouse type step up urinal. Bwahaha. I so love Brian’s office.
D: Your presentation was very… interesting.
T: Your father didn’t seem to think so.
D: Dad just hears the initial pitches and then it’s up to me to follow through. So do you have anything else you’d like to show me?
T: Yeah. This.
Ted takes a deep breath, gathers his balls together and goes for it. He grabs the guy by the tie and drags him into a bathroom stall. All we hear is a loud grunt. Eh, good enough. Bravo Ted!!
Man, I want to move to Pittsburgh where working is fun! But seriously, all these scenes where Ted is becoming more like Brian really scare me. I don’t want Brian to become more like Ted. Please, NO!
Brian’s Loft
Michael arrives and starts pounding on Brian’s door. When he doesn’t answer, he starts hollering for him.
M: Brian! Brian! Briiiaaan!
This whole door thing cracks me up. He pounded and pounded impatiently but he knows Brian is sick. He can’t give him time to get to the door? Geesh!
M: Jesus, what happened to you?
B: Chernobyl.
M: Christ! You should be in bed.
B: Well, I was. Someone kept knock-knock-knocking at my fucking door.
Touché for Brian. Sometimes Michael’s density is just hysterical. Why do they do this to him? Anyway, he immediately goes into wife mode. Exactly what Brian doesn’t want. Michael must have forgot about the pity chapter of the Kinney operating manual. It is what Brian needs (not pity, but help)… but from his partner, not from Michael.
B: What are you doing?
M: I’m making some chicken soup. There’s nothing in here but beer and poppers.
B: All the essentials.
M: Well, we’re gonna have to stock up on groceries.
Okay two things here. First, why would Michael go to the loft expecting that Brian would have all the ingredients to make chicken soup? Hell, I don’t even know what goes in chicken soup, there’s no way Brian would know and just happened to have everything you need lying around. He doesn’t realize that there’s a reason that every time he and Brian have their little pot-smoking parties, they’re always eating take-out? Hello? Brian does not do the little domestic show like Michael and Ben do every night. Other than peanut butter, bananas, bread, cereal and avocados we’ve never seen any other food in the loft that Justin didn’t bring. Second, he says, “WE’RE gonna have to stock up on groceries.” Is he taking the same drugs that Brian was taking earlier? He obviously has because he’s of the mindset that he and Brian are a “we”.
He starts to make out a shopping list. Now Brian knows he’s lost his mind.
B: Michael.
M: As long as I’m here, I can do your laundry…
B: Michael!
Ooop. Brian yelling, that seems to get his attention.
B: This is exactly why I didn’t want anyone to know. It’s why I told everyone I went to Ibiza, in the hopes that I wouldn’t be treated like an invalid or a victim or like I was gonna die. Now would you get out of here!?!
He screams at him and knocks something onto the floor to make his point. Michael is shocked, so am I. Never before have they been so blunt in telling us what is going on inside Brian’s head. If they keep this up I can quit writing these recaps. Brian shuffles back to the bedroom, crawls onto the bed and covers his head with a pillow. Michael follows him, sits down on the ledge and pulls the pillow off his head. Brian is annoyed.
B: What don’t you understand about ‘fuck off’?
M: You think you can kick me out of here the way you did Justin? And for what? Trying not to let on that he knew? Because that’s the way you wanted it? He deserves to know. He’s your lover, your partner, whether you want to admit it or not, and sick or not, that’s a fucking shitty way to treat him!
Michael seems to be operating on the assumption that this is about being angry with Justin for the deception. Again, he has it all wrong. But I’ll give him props for telling Brian he was wrong to treat Justin like that. But it bothers me that it didn’t happen until after Brian tried to kick him out… just like Justin.
B: I was only trying to make it easier.
M: By never seeing him again?
B: He would have left sooner or later anyway, might as well be sooner.
M: What are you talking…
B: Would you just go home? Michael! Go home! To your wife! And your kid!
Ding. Ding. Ding. Lots of things just came to light for Michael. Where was that flashing bright light that they use when something dawns on a character?
One, We’re given proof of what Brian’s problem has been. His fear that Justin would leave him someday because of the age difference and now that he’s imperfect, it would definitely happen so he had to do it. To at least control “when” it happened. To wait for later to come would be too hard for him.
Two, Michael just got hit over the head, or should I say shoved off the bed. He is not Brian’s wife. Brian doesn’t want him as his wife, doesn’t need him as his wife and Michael needs to quit acting like it. What Brian needs is his wife… his partner… Justin. He does need to be taken care of right now but it needs to be by someone who won’t treat him like he’s an invalid or a victim. Kind of like what Ted did at the office. Give the help that’s needed but don’t pity, don’t coddle and don’t fuss over him.
* * *
Time out for Lamaze Class and “Ah-ohs”…
Mel: I think it’s amazing how far we’ve come. You and Ben. Me and Lindsay. I’d say we’re fucking lucky to have such stable home lives with wonderful mates who we love and who love us. One beautiful child and another one on the way. Bright futures all around.
M: Bright futures all around.
Um, I didn’t see them knock on wood, did you?
* * *
Liberty Avenue
After Lamaze, Michael heads back to the comic book store and finds Justin waiting for him. I love Justin in this scene. Watch his face. He’s like this little stuck up snob, totally impatient and condescending. He is soooo ‘done’ with Michael and his stupidity.
M: Hey. I was just at Lamaze class with Mel.
J: I came for the check.
M: Oh, right. I was gonna drop it off.
Justin jerks his head and raises his eyebrows in this ‘yeah, whatever’ way. Michael digs in his pocket for the check. He took a $10,000 check to Lamaze class? He finally gets it out and hands it over the Justin who then turns to leave.
J: Thanks.
M: Wait up.
J: What for?
M: I saw Brian last night.
J: Lucky you.
M: He looked like shit. He felt so bad he could hardly get out of bed.
J: I’m sorry to hear that, but it really doesn’t concern me anymore.
M: That’s bullshit.
J: He fucking kicked me out. He said he didn’t want to see me again.
M: More like he doesn’t want you to see him. You read the Kinney operating manual! He thinks now that he’s sick, that he’s no longer perfect… that you won’t love him anymore… that you’re gonna leave him!
J: That’s crazy even for him.
M: Not if you put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. When being young, being beautiful, being Brian Kinney is what it’s all about. Take that away, he figures what’s he got?
So Justin thinks it’s crazy. He’s right, it is crazy but that’s because Justin doesn’t realize the depths of Brian’s insecurity about his love. So now I think back to 407 when Justin was at Kinnetik and told Brian that he loved him. Maybe that wasn’t said because he thought Brian needed to hear it, maybe he said it because he needed to say it… for his insecurities. Brian had been rejecting him and was now taking off. Justin said, “If I’ve done something…” Even though Brian told him that it wasn’t him, he still thought it was. He was working on the assumption that Brian was leaving him and Brian’s working on the assumption that Justin will leave him. Wow! Insecurity all around. Love is a frightening thing especially if you fear heartbreak. And what did I say last week… without honesty you can’t have trust, without trust you can never really feel secure. They have got to start communicating. And I mean, ‘really’ communicating. There are too many assumptions going on.
Brian’s, “I missed you,” and the kiss in the car helped to ease Justin’s insecurity but then Brian kicked him out later. Justin’s worst fear had come to light so it’s no wonder that he’s not the “stalker Justin” right now and not fighting to get back in there. He did at Kinnetik and got humiliated. He’s crushed, angry, confused. He’s licking his wounds right now. It all makes sense. I believe he would have figured it all out eventually because he knows Brian better than anyone but being so hurt and his insecurity that he’d done something wrong was clouding his ability to see the big picture. So Michael came to the rescue, cleared things up for him… sooner, rather than later.
Another thing about why Justin is so flabbergasted that Brian would think he would leave him over a missing ball is this… Justin saw himself as damaged goods back in season two but yet Brian stayed with him and “nursed” him back to health… something even his mother couldn’t seem to accomplish. So to Justin, he can’t understand why Brian would think in a million years that he would leave because Brian is damaged goods. The physicality of Brian is not why Justin hangs around, it’s not why he loves him. Of course his beauty helps, but it’s not the whole package just like Justin’s “great ass and perfect twink physique” are not the only things that keep Brian hanging around.
But before we move on, I’m not done with Michael yet. (I have to get this all out of my system in this episode because with Ben and this Anthony thing, starting next week I’ll probably start having some feelings for Michael again.) Michael says to Justin, “When being young, being beautiful, being Brian Kinney is what it’s all about. Take that away, he figures what’s he got?” Okay, so… who helped Brian put all those eggs in the same basket? Who helped perpetuate this delusion that Brian has? Who created a super hero in Brian’s image? Mikey, the ever present enabler to Brian’s image of perfection. In 122, Michael was the one that told Brian, “You will always be young and you will always be beautiful... you're Brian Kinney for fucks sake!” So when he loses those things that he thinks makes him Brian Kinney, what’s he got? Well since that’s all his best friend of 16+ years has been telling him you can kind of see where he’s coming from.
Sometimes I wholeheartedly believe in the B/M friendship and other times I see nothing but unhealthiness. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame Michael for how Brian is, I just blame him for helping to keep him that way. Michael doesn’t want Brian to change. He has had conversation after conversation with Justin about how Brian is and that he’ll never change and even berated Justin in 301 for thinking that Brian would change for him. That’s the enabler… don’t try to do anything about it, just accept it. Justin on the other hand, sees something and sets about making Brian realize how stupid or ridiculous it is as we’ll see him do later. That’s the difference. Justin wants Brian to be the best Brian he can be, whatever that is. Michael is perfectly happy with Brian being this “image of perfection”, this “super hero”, this “Brian Kinney” person that he introduced in 101.
Michael is not a Brian and Justin problem. They create their problems all on their own by their lack of communication and honesty. I just kind of see, sometimes, that Michael is part of Brian’s problem. But like I said, sometimes… not all the time. Okay, Michael rant over.
* * *
Another time out to talk about checks… a weird little commonality in tonight’s show that probably doesn’t mean a damn thing but tickles my fancy just the same.
Michael receives a check from that place that we’re not supposed to use in a sentence and decides to use it to buy Ben a consolation prize which eventually gives him some enlightenment about how Ben is feeling like a failure.
Justin goes to pick up his check from Michael and ends up receiving some enlightenment about what’s going with Brian.
Emmett goes to pick up his check from Sierra and ends up getting some enlightenment from Drew.
Amazing what money can get you these days, isn’t it?
* * *
Kinnetik
At Kinnetik, Brian is trying to get some work done and drinking soda to ward off that pesky nausea. Poor Brian, he just looks miserable. **sigh** Ted bounces in happy as a clam and delivers the good news that they got the Dandy Lube account.
T: Bri, Dandy Lube just called. We got ‘em.
B: Way to go, Theodore. I told you you could do it.
Ahh, I just love this. Bri? Theodore? Just love it. And love that even in his weakened, sick condition Boss Brian doesn’t forget to congratulate his employee and Friend Brian doesn’t forget to be encouraging. I may need a tissue.
T: It was a little dicey at first, but I managed to convince ‘em.
B: How’d you do that?
By the amused look on Brian’s face I would almost bet that Cynthia has already filled Brian in on Ted’s bathroom escapades. All the more reason for Brian to be so proud of Ted. He stepped up and did what he would do. Brian would have to respect that.
T: Just thought to myself, ‘What would Brian Kinney do?’ After that, it was a snap.
Well snaps for the snap then… Ted crocks his head, peers at Brian and finally sees the misery.
T: You know, you don’t look so hot. Why don’t you let me mind the shop and go home? Hmm?
Ted grabs Brian’s coat and holds it out for him, not willing to take no as an answer. Brian just looks at him and knows he’s right. He goes.
Brian’s Loft
Brian comes up the elevator and lets himself into the loft. We hear sounds of cooking and we just know Brian’s about to pummel Michael for coming back with the damn chicken soup. He pauses in disgust then takes a few steps. It’s not Michael… it’s Justin. Doing exactly what Michael wanted to do… doing his wifely duties, taking care of his man during sickness. (Hey, don’t balk at my choice of words… those are Brian’s words, it’s not to imply that Justin is a girl… okay?)
B: I thought I told you to get out.
J: I guess I didn’t hear. You tend to mumble a lot.
OMG!! He totally does. I can’t tell you how many times I have to play back his scenes to get the words rights. Drives me nuts. That’s the humor that I love about Cow/Lip. Bwahahaha. I love snarky Justin. Brian normally does too, but not today. Right now Justin is like Frankenstein’s monster. Brian told him that a man needs to know when to ask for help and Brian isn’t asking even though he needs it. Told him to stand up for himself and have some balls. Now he’s doing it. The monster has turned on his creator. Brian slams his briefcase down on the counter, pissed that he’s losing control.
J: You want some soup? It’s Debbie’s homemade recipe.
B: No wonder I feel like barfing.
Why is everyone in his life wanting to make him some chicken soup? Tee Hee. At least Justin was smart enough to bring the needed ingredients.
B: Listen to me, you little shit. I don’t want you here.
J: I don’t care what you want.
That’s right he doesn’t care what Brian wants, this isn’t about that. This is about what Brian needs. And what he needs is for Justin to be there, cooking him soup and taking care of him. But Brian is stubborn and figures he’ll just toss him out again. He grabs him by the arm to do just that. One big problem though… when he threw Justin out the last time, he wasn’t undergoing radiation yet, he was stronger and he had caught Justin off guard so he didn’t have time to fight back. This time, he’s weak and Justin is prepared, he’s determined to give Brian what he needs.
J: You’re not getting rid of me!
This is the Justin that gets to Brian every time, the Justin that Brian respects, the Justin that got under the wire in the first place… The one that stands up for himself and has some balls. Except, right now this Justin is pissing him off and not allowing him to control the situation. I’m feeling for Brian here but I can’t help but clap my hands and urge him on for more… “Go, Justin!” Until…
Whoops! In the struggle, Justin pushes a tad too hard and weakened Brian falls to the ground. I gasp. So does Justin.
J: Shit! Are you alright? Tell me you’re alright!
B: I’m alright!
Brian shoves him away. He’s still not willing to accept he needs help. But Justin sees it, he knows Brian is not alright or he would’ve gotten up by now.
J: You’re not alright.
B: Then what the hell are you asking me for?
Adrenaline… wow! Brian bolts up onto his feet, yelling and pushing Justin away. Justin stands his ground. Anger… wow!
J: So that I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me! For shutting me out. For thinking that you could handle this on your own. And most of all, for thinking that I would leave you. Why would you think that? Cause you had a ball removed? Because you’re no longer perfect? Well, believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I’d wanted to leave you, I’ve had better reasons. Plenty of ‘em.
B: Maybe you should have.
J: Yeah, maybe you’re right. But I thought we had a commitment. And I plan to stand by it. Now why don’t you get your ass back in bed, you son-of-a-bitch! And eat some fucking chicken soup!
Great little speech by Justin. He stands up for himself and has some balls, two of them, hell they may have even given him the one they took from Brian! This was exactly what Brian needed to hear. Powerful, in your fucking face and breaks down each myth one at a time. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the interesting choice of words for Justin.
First he nails him for not telling him, shutting him out and for being stupid enough that he could handle it all by himself… basically for treating him ‘shitty’. Relationships 101. Communicate. Honesty. Trust. In fact Brian is listening to everything he has to say at first… this relationship stuff, Brian’s there, looking him right in the eye. He knows he treated Justin shitty.
Second for calling him on the stupid insecurity that he would leave him. But when Justin moves onto this and the question of why Brian looks away and tries to retreat. He can’t answer, he can’t admit his fear to Justin. He can to Michael because Michael’s always been there during Brian’s vulnerable times. With Justin, he has to be in control, the one on top. Justin sees him turn away and try to shut down, to retreat to lick his wounds… Justin stops him physically and makes him stand there and take it. He’s going to hear him out regardless of what he wants because Justin knows he needs to hear it. In not so many words he tells Brian that he’s never envisioned him to be perfect and he loved him anyway. Justin said in 308, “I know what I can expect of you.” Perfection was not what he expected. He was telling him that there’s no way that his perfect body or his beautiful dick would ever be the reasons for him to pack it in… there are other reasons, better reasons and he’s still there. His fear is unfounded.
Brian should take comfort in that but he presses by telling Justin that maybe he should have left. In a sense asking him why he stays. Needing to hear the reasons.
And what does Justin say? Does he tell him he loves him again? No, he doesn’t. Why? Because that’s not what gets through to Brian. He’s told him twice and while it does mean something to Brian, it’s not what sticks him. Promises, commitments. Those are the things that Brian relates to and trusts and believes in. So Justin mentions the commitment they made to each other.
Now some say, ‘What commitment’? Well the commitment they made back in 308. Justin tells Michael about it in 309 when showing him the Rage cover and what JT’s blowjob meant. “It’s about their love, their unspoken commitment.” And Michael confirmed its existence by saying “Art imitating life.” That was Cow/Lip telling us that a commitment was made. Unspoken maybe, but a commitment nonetheless. And we can’t forget that Justin promised when Brian told him he would have to work long hard hours into the night and that he was never to play violin music again. I discussed this last season but that promise was Justin understanding that being with Brian would be messy and hard and if he was to ever have his head turned by someone else, he was to tell Brian and not sneak around about it. No locks. Just honesty.
Justin bringing up this commitment is what gets through to Brian. He reconfirms his promise that he made in 308. He’s standing by his unspoken commitment just like Brian did when he adhered to every rule they made in 206.
So the episode ends with Justin putting Brian in his place, where he belongs... in bed and maybe not so “in control.” As he takes Brian his fucking chicken soup, a song plays that clearly defines where Brian’s head is at…
When I walk through the earth.
I get stuck in the middle.
I can’t see your love.
Don’t know your love.
… and Justin knew it. He had to show it to him. I think Brian sees it now and I think he knows it now too. He takes those long, painful, slow steps up to his bed… totally defeated. Not defeated by the cancer but defeated by love. Something he never thought he’d believe in but there it is and it’s not going anywhere. Perfect or imperfect.
So as we watch Justin take Brian his soup we know he will be there for him during this time of healing just like Brian was there for Justin in season two after the bashing. We can rest knowing that the third vow has now been acted upon... in sickness and in health. (For better or worse and for richer or poorer are already done.)
What’s next? “To love and to cherish for all the days of our lives.” Hmmm. A spoken commitment? A more defined relationship?
