Episode 408:
Putting on Pretenses and Pissing on Partners
I’m guessing since we are now heading into the second half of the season, the phrase “coming of age” is starting to take hold. These are things that are holding everyone back from taking that next step to a fulfilled and complete relationship. A relationship free of these pretenses… where honesty exists… where you don’t have to hide the ugly truth that you might have a weakness… because the weakness won’t matter, they’ll love you anyway. Without honesty, you can never really have trust. Without trust, you can never really feel secure. Without security, you can never really have happiness.
What a web we weave when we try to deceive…
Let’s see what webs are being weaved…
Ben – pissing all over Michael’s success with Rage because he’s facing his own inadequacies but he’s putting on the pretense that it’s due to some social responsibility. Ben tells Keller he’s not trying to sell his novel. Bullshit. He sent it to how many publishing houses? Was he doing that just for the pat on the back of a job well done? Ben’s words in this episode are just like those in 405. He’s speaking on behalf of those GLC-Tannis-types that probably say the same thing to Cow/Lip about QAF not filling their social obligation. Well, I’ll speak for Keller and Cow/Lip in response… (sticking my tongue out and making a “raspberry” sound – I don’t know how to type that out, so just picture it in your mind)
Debbie – putting on the pretense that all is well in her world even though she’s terribly shaken that she pissed all over her ‘psuedo’ partner because he left her. I’m speaking of Vic here… remember, Vic said that they’d probably be an old married couple if it weren’t for the fact that they were siblings. So you know, she’s lying to herself.
Lindsay – putting on the pretense that her art is dead and unimportant to her now that she’s a wife and a mother. But that’s not true… it’s her inspiration that’s dead and quite possibly could be because of her partner. Happy and loving seem to equate to boredom and mundane. Hmm. I do find it interesting that in the new opening sequence, the shot of Lindsay/Melanie/Gus has Gus with Melanie and Lindsay off by herself… detached from her family. Not only that, but Lindsay is portraying “speak no evil” and Melanie is “hear no evil”. During their season one problems wasn’t part of it that proper-wasp-Lindsay wouldn’t tell Melanie what was on her mind? And didn’t she tell Brian that she didn’t know what she wanted? And what was his advice? Tell her! Again Brian – please take your own advice. Most of the time, it’s really good. And wasn’t Melanie’s detachment from the mother/son bonding the reason that she strayed into the arms of another to get what she needed? Isn’t Lindsay doing the same thing now? For the simple fact that we don’t see Melanie and Lindsay doing anything substantial except motherhood, it appears that as soon as one becomes a mother, the other strays. For whatever reason, that’s not the point. The point is that the message we’re getting is that the only thing they’re good for… they aren’t very good at doing. Interesting.
Michael – pissing all over his partnership with Justin. Granted, it was a partnership of deception, but he still pissed all over it but yet puts on the pretense that it’s because he loves Brian enough to honor his wishes. Obviously just not as much as he loves himself. The wimpy whiny weasel. And I’d like to take this time to make an amendment to last week’s recap. I gave it some thought and I’ve come to the conclusion that the betrayal in this episode clouded my judgment of him in the last episode. (The perils of knowing what’s to come.) Last week, he went to Brian because he was feeling alone and had this preponderance of death all around him and I called him selfish. Well, you know what? He wasn’t. He didn’t know Brian was sick. We did, but he didn’t. And when you are feeling like that, what do you do? You go to your best friend and you whine about how everything is affecting you. That’s okay. That’s not selfishness, that’s coping. So… apologies to Michael for last week. This week… different story entirely. Wimpy whiny weasel. This week… SELFISH!!! Trust me, you won’t see a retraction about that… ever! I may forgive one day, Michael does have some decent qualities, but I will never take back calling him selfish in 408. But enough about him.
Justin – putting on the pretense that he can sit back and watch his partner go through a terrible ordeal all alone. I don’t blame him for the pretense because he was misguided and wanted to say something really badly. His heart was in the right place. What I blame him for is not listening to his heart when it told him to confront Brian. He listened to his heart in 405 and walked away from Hobbs. He listened to it in 406 when he went back into Deb’s house. In 407, listening to it made him tell Brian he loved him and he’d be there and it saved Brian’s life. This time, he ignored it and listened to Michael… and look where it got him. Justin, from now on… listen to your heart… it’s never failed you yet.
Brian – the biggest pretender and pisser of them all. I ache for his insecurities. I ache for his self-image. I’m so mad at him but at the same time, I just ache for him. He’s excused for all he does because of what he’s going through, but damn… I want to shake my fists at him and scream… “Justin’s right there, he’s not going anywhere, tell him!!” But nooooo…
Babylon… Or Is It?
The episode starts with Brian, looking the best he’s looked all season, cruising through Babylon. All the guys are hot and they all want him. They touch him, smile at him, offer him bumps as he walks by. The go-go boys are in white Speedos, tight and bulging. Obviously we are inside Brian’s fantasy where he’s still perfect, still desired, still the one on top. This is Brian’s heaven. Brian’s orange and blue heaven.
Why orange and blue? We have to go back to the Pride Flag for the answer because the Pride Flag is the basis for the QAF color wheel. The orange means healing and blue (or indigo) means harmony. So this dream is showing us that Brian is at peace (in harmony) with his decision to have the surgery (to heal from the cancer).
He strolls up to the bar and sees someone he never thought he’d see again… lucky Uncle Vic (who seems to be glowing an eerie shade of red). Oh, of course he would be… he’s dead. Red, being the new black = death.
Vic: Well, look who it is!
B: What the fuck are you doing here?
V: I believe that’s my line.
B: Sorry.
V: Shall we take it again? What the fuck are you doing here?
B: W-w-we’re in Babylon, right?
V: In case you forgot, the great writer in the sky recently wrote me out… permanently.
B: Then where the fuck are we?
V: Well, let’s see. You’ve got one of two choices.
Isn’t confused Brian sexy and cute? Okay maybe that’s just me. Brian turns around to soak in his surroundings, his heaven, his fantasy. The hot guys are barely luke warm now. Wrinkled, graying, fat, wearing polyester. **shivers** And instead of the once sexy thump-a-thump music, they are dancing to YMCA and not dancing very well, I might add. The studly hot-to-trot go-go boys in the white Speedos are now middle-aged, chubby men wearing some very large, white, Fruit of the Looms. This is Brian’s hell. Brian’s red, fiery hell.
B: If this is your heaven, it must be my hell.
V: What kind of an attitude is that, considering we have so much in common?
B: Like what?
V: Well, it ain’t two testicles!
Ooooh… dead Uncle Vic is a sarcastic evil shit, isn’t he? Is this the “unsentimental” Vic that Michael spoke of at the funeral? It reminds me of Justin’s drama princess scene in 104 when he was threatening to run off and sell his body to dirty old homos and Vic said, “I’ll give you twenty bucks!” Hee! I’m really going to miss Uncle Vic. But come on, quit torturing poor Brian!
V: Turns out you’re everything you never wanted to be, kiddo! Old, diseased and imperfect. Bwahahaha!
Brian’s worst nightmare, his hell. Old… Now that he’s chosen life, he will inevitably continue to grow older. Something he never wanted to do but since he couldn’t do the alternative, die young, and since he has passed 30 like he never wanted to do, this age thing is beyond his control. Diseased… Someone who not only practiced but preached safe sex to steer clear of HIV. It’s like it never occurred to him he could get cancer. HIV was the only thing he had to worry about. He did everything right to prevent disease from entering his body, but cancer still got him, beyond his control. Imperfect… Missing one testicle as evil Vic pointed out. To save his life, the nut had to go… it was beyond his control.
You know, I can’t think of a single person that would turn him down just because he’s missing a nut, but it’s not about what is reality, it’s about what Brian thinks is reality. So seeing that he’s old, diseased and imperfect can only mean one thing… he’s lost all control over his life.
And possibly, Vic’s evil cackling actually brings another fear to the surface… people will laugh at him. The great god Brian Kinney is a total mess. Oh yeah, that’s just hilarious. Clearly, Brian is in hell.
From a distance, a voice, a man’s voice…
Doc/Nurse/??: Mr. Kinney. Mr. Kinney. You’re in recovery. How do you feel?
B: I’m having a ball.
Well sure… even under anesthesia, he makes jokes. This is how we know he’s alive and still very much Brian. But if the dream and the nightmare are any indication, I’d say Brian’s ball dilemma is far from over. Now he has to figure out how to live with his decision not to die… how to get the control back over his life. Of course he thinks the way to do that is to pretend it never happened. Easier said than done.
***************
Quick time out for a “things that make you go hmmm” moment…
Hunter: Can you get me an autographed picture of Cameron Diaz? She’s fuckin’ hot.
***************
Diner
At the diner, Melanie and Ted are sitting at the counter, looking impatient, waiting on their food orders. Boy, they are spending a lot of time together lately. I like it. In fact, I am still of the mindset that Ted would’ve been a better choice to father her child. But alas… not my show.
Justin hurriedly brings them their order… they bitch at him, of course.
M: About time, we ordered yesterday.
T: What’d you have to do? Send to France for my omelette?
J: I’m sorry, guys. Things are nuts without Deb.
M: I don’t know about the nuts, but where’s my side of bacon?
J: Shit! Coming right up.
Ahhh, poor Justin. But isn’t flustered Justin cute? Just kidding, but seriously… Randy is looking really good here. Yowza! It’s almost like he spent time in Ibiza, relaxing, getting laid…
T: I thought Jews didn’t eat pork.
M: They waived that law for pregnant lesbians second Tuesday of every month.
Umm, okay. Whatever.
Brian comes in, looking hot in that awesome pinstriped suit again, but at the same time does not look like someone should look who’s been in Ibiza… see note above about Justin… something’s wrong with this picture. Besides, he’s wearing his sunglasses inside! What’s he trying to hide? Then he picks up a salt shaker shaped like an egg, or a testicle, and puts it back. Ugh! That hurt, the doctor said they couldn’t put Brian’s back. **sniff**
But verbally, he pulls off being his normal snarky self and I find it rather amusing that he calls them serfs and vassals. Here, the now imperfect Brian is calling them less than sub-human. You know what they say about those that protest too much… careful Brian, you’ll give yourself away.
B: Greetings, serfs and vassals!
M: Brian! How was your trip?
B: In-fucking-credible. I hope that one day you, too, will be able to experience the wonders of Ibiza. The sea, the beach...
T: The men?
B: Did I not mention that? Could I have some coffee, black, no sugar?
M: For someone who just got back from sunny Spain, you’re not very tan.
B: It rained practically everyday. But I found plenty to do indoors.
T: I’ll bet.
This pretense of “it never happened” is working pretty good. All about honesty Brian is doing well at the lying. Oh wait, it’s not lying if you’re only lying to protect your image. Even the occasional slips seemed to go unnoticed from his friends and he had an answer for everything. So far so good. Now for the real test… Justin, who appears carrying pork products for the vassal… or is she the serf?
J: You’re back.
B: And you’re here!
J: Told you I would be, didn’t I?
Ah, he kept his promise… stood by his commitment.
J: Um, so how was your trip?
M: Weather sucked.
T: But so did the men.
J: I’d love to hear about it, but I have to go to class.
T: I know someone who has to get his ass to the office before his boss has his head.
M: Don’t worry, I’ll finish this for you.
Ted leaves, Mel steals his food, Brian eyeballs Justin.
B: Wanna lift?
J: That’s OK. I’m sure you have plenty more important things to do.
Justin leaves, Brian follows him, Mel eats.
Justin is still in “give Brian space” mode, but he needn’t be. Brian went to the diner just to see him, offers to take him to school then when he gives him a way out of that boyfriend-y duty, Brian gets up and follows him. Brian really missed Justin. And who could blame him? With all that rain in “Ibiza”, he’s obviously been yearning for some Sunshine! Hee!
Brian’s Car
Guess Justin took Brian up on his offer after all. Do you blame him? Cut to Brian and Justin riding along in the ‘vette.
B: I was gonna send you a postcard.
J: But the Post Office was on strike.
B: I meant to call you.
J: But your cell phone died and you didn’t have your charger.
B: How did you know that?
J: You don’t have to make up excuses. As long as you got whatever it was out of your system.
B: Oh, it’s out alright.
Ugh! I hate that. But it does appear that Brian is okay with his situation. Not okay-okay hence the nightmare earlier, but okay with it enough that he’ll be able to carry on as normal as possible… as long as no one knows and he can continue to live in the perfect Brian Kinney image. He passed the first test of getting around Justin’s keen of all things Kinney. So far, so good.
I’m a little torn about Justin allowing Brian to make excuses. I understand that he just wanted Brian to “fix” whatever was broken and that it means something to him that Brian came back, but again it’s this “you don’t owe me anything” stance just like he took at the end of 407 when he told Brian he was right. And what did Brian do when Justin did that? He shook his head, “no”. Brian is fully aware that as a partner, he should’ve called, sent a postcard… something. Especially if he was just on a trip to Ibiza. That’s why he’s making excuses. To excuse his bad behavior. He knows he may not “owe” Justin anything because of the confines of their type of relationship but Justin “deserved” something and that’s the difference that I think Brian has come to understand about having an “undefined” boyfriend. Not because the rules say so, not because proper etiquette says so, but because his heart says so. His excuses were him listening to his heart so while I understand Justin not pressuring Brian about those things, I think he should relish in the fact that Brian felt he had to make them. Pre-308 Brian would’ve never in a million years have done such a thing so that is growth. Big growth. I just hope that as Justin loosens up about relationships and Brian tightens up… they don’t cross paths along the way and miss the point entirely. That would suck.
They pull up in front of PIFA. Yes, Justin’s back in school. Some people have freaked about this. I have no idea why. Brian has been trying to get Justin back in school since 402. They made the bet in 406. We saw that Brian won. That means Justin lost and had to go back to school. In 407, Brian refused to take Justin to “Ibiza” on the grounds he’d just enrolled. So why is everyone shocked that in 408, he’s attending classes? Isn’t that what you normally do after enrolling? And if it’s the suspension thing, well forget that. Justin apologized to the intern program, he was willing to apologize to Gardner Vance, the only thing he refused to do was apologize to Stockwell. Vance told Brian in 401 that Stockwell had been indicted on charges regarding Jason Kemp so we have to assume the Stockwell apology was set aside. Do they really need to explain every detail to us? I think not… some things just require common sense. But enough of that, Brian has something important to say to Justin…
B: By the way, I - I missed you.
J: Prove it.
Brian kisses him sweetly. It’s not as convincing as Justin would like.
J: You’re gonna have to do better than that.
Brian kisses him again, a little more Brian-ly but still not as convincing as Justin wants.
J: I’m still not convinced.
Brian smiles, adjusts in his seat, which I’m sure was quite painful, and really lays one on him. Let’s take a flash back break while Brian is working his magic on Justin’s lips.
After Vermont, Justin asked Brian if he missed him. He didn’t ask here. But Brian told him. He offered it on his own, uncoerced. Woo Hoo!! That’s big growth for Brian and Justin. Brian knows he needs to say more about how he feels and Justin knows not to ask for verbal reinforcement from Brian. Back then after Justin asked Brian if he missed him, Brian didn’t answer with words, he proved it with sex by slamming him up against the support beam. Here, Justin asked Brian to prove it with sex instead of words. Just like the “I’ll be here when you get back” line in 407, we are seeing another direct reversal of a Season 2 Vermont scene that caused their break down. I find it quite interesting that all-about-words-Justin from Season 2 is asking for actions and Season 2’s all-about-actions-Brian is starting to say the words. And we can’t forget that it was Justin’s “words” that changed his mind about having the surgery in the first place.
These little signs of their relationship growth are what makes the ending of tonight’s episode all that much harder to take. They had come so far but their insecurities finally won out. Dang. Three steps forward, two steps back.
Okay, so now that little Justin has been sufficiently convinced that he was indeed missed, we can move along. He pulls away from the intensity of this kiss… no doubt fighting off a “boing” reaction. I know I would have. That was some kiss even though we didn’t get a real good shot of it. Grrr. (Note to Brucey – close ups suck when they come from the back of the head!)
J: Okay! Okay, I believe you!
They both laugh at Justin’s reaction. Geesh! I think I’M blushing!
B: I’ll see you tonight?
J: If I’m in town.
B: You going somewhere?
J: Hollywood!
Ohhh, Brian wants to see him. He really did miss the little twat, didn’t he? Justin, the tease, gets out of the car with a mischievous grin after reminding his boyfriend of his impending “stah-dom”. He bounces off to class, happy as a clam, probably signing “My Boyfriend’s Back!” Brian removes his glasses and for the first time we see the ‘after’ Brian looking sad and just beat up. He watches Justin leave until he’s out of sight, undoubtedly wanting to get a good look at what he came back for… what he chose life for. I do wonder though, is he thinking about his plan for deception and wondering if it’s the right thing to do? Or is he worried about whether he can pull it off or not? Or is he just hoping above all else that he can pull it off? He soooo doesn’t want to lose Justin.
Restaurant
Michael and Justin do lunch with Brett Keller to discuss his interest in Rage. Now I know anytime you’re trying to get a deal done there’s always a certain amount of schmoozing going on. Just ask Brian. And it appears that Justin has learned some of Brian’s tricks in that regard because he’s working it. He blushes under Brett’s admirations, gets serious about his concerns but stays polite then works his best features (well, his best features when he’s sitting down anyway) to flirt towards the end. The eye looks, the smiles, the biting. Oh my! And Brett is eating it up. The man barely even notices that Michael is sitting there too.
K: When I first saw Rage, I said, ‘Finally! Someone’s created an honest-to-God gay superhero’, you know? Who’s out! Who’s got a boyfriend. Who actually fucks.
M: Yeah, well, we figured if we were gonna do it, we might as well do it all the way.
K: And you have. You’ve given every kid who’s ever been bullied, who had to keep his true identity a secret, but somehow managed to survive, his own crusader, his own role model. Wish there was something like this when I was a kid.
M: Thank you, Mr. Keller.
K: Please… Brett. And I should be thanking you.
Just some thoughts about Rage before we get into the purpose of this scene… and maybe this is the mother in me coming out here so bare with me.
Brett Keller says he was excited that someone had created an honest-to-God gay superhero, who’s out, who’s got a boyfriend, and who actually fucks. Then talks about the kids who will be vindicated by it and have Rage as their role model and how he wishes there was something like that when he was a kid.
He’s obviously talking about QAF here… I’ve heard young gay men saying how much QAF has meant to them, hell I used one of their quotes on my thank you cards to Randy, Peter and Scott. And I’ve heard older gay men state that they wish something like QAF would have been out when they were younger and struggling to come out. Justin’s story was a valid one for teens coming out proud and unashamed while dealing with a father who had issues with it. It was an important story to tell. But I’m talking for teens as in 16, 17 or 18.
Rage, in past episodes, has been deemed “in your fucking face” by Justin. Never mind that he’s gay, Rage actually “fucks” as Brett says. And they show it. Remember the Ice-Tina cover with the blowjob on it from 309? And remember in the first issue, Rage gives JT a blowjob to bring him back to life after the bashing?
Heaven knows, I’m no prude but we’re talking about kids here. Twelve year olds as Ben states later. Wouldn’t all these things make this comic book NC-17 or at least R rated? And if so, how is Rage to be a superhero for kids? Are these Rage comics sold to kids? Twelve year olds? I know we’re talking fiction here, I’m not being delusional. But seriously, I was under the assumption that this comic was for the Michaels or even the Hunters of the world more than the John’s (Brian’s 12 year old nephew).
Am I just being a wet-blanket here or is this a genuine concern or maybe just one of those weird plot things that don’t equate to reality?
M: However, we do have a couple of concerns.
J: That someone might want to change things.
K: You mean like make Rage straight? I will personally chop the dick off any studio executive who even tries. I want this film to be as gritty and as dark and as edgy as your comic.
Oooh, this Brett is Justin’s kind of man. Remember the Hobbs drawing from 402? Yikes!
And this movie thing too… Just how is Brett going to make this movie along the lines of Batman II and V-Men and still make it as edgy as the comic book? I know Michael and Justin’s concern is making him straight… but Brett brags on the fact that he “actually fucks” (I’m assuming as a slap against Will & Grace…LOL).
I’m always willing to suspend disbelief when it comes to this show, but I guess this is just one of the things that I struggle with. I get that they’re using the fact that almost every comic has been made into a movie starting way back with Superman many years ago, up to the more recent Spiderman, but I just didn’t see those as being as sexualized as Rage. Just like QAF, Rage uses sex to tell the story so I guess I’m just not connecting with the idea that Rage can be made into this huge summer blockbuster movie like Batman and X-Men because of the sex.
So if Keller’s other movies like Batman II and V-Men were rated PG-13 to attract those 12 year olds that Ben was talking about then doesn’t that mean the “in your fucking face” sex would have to come out? And if it does have to come out, then wouldn’t that mean it won’t be as edgy as the comic book itself?
K: Now as for Rage, every actor in Hollywood is gonna want to play him.
M: I thought straight actors won’t take gay roles.
So now even in the show, Hal has to scream that he’s a straight guy playing a gay guy as an actor? Just kidding… but seriously, this storyline is being used to jab at Hollywood. I kind of like it.
K: Nah. Nobody’s gonna turn this one down. So who do you picture? Johnny? Ashton? Matt?
And this is where Justin’s voice changes. It becomes kind of whispery. Even though he’s talking about Brian, it’s flirty and sexy and draws Keller in. Michael seemingly disappears at this point and it’s all Keller and Justin with thoughts and images of Brian swirling around. Dang. I’m not sure what it all means at this point, but it’s something. If Brian wasn’t in the condition he’s in… I would say this was a three-way in the making. Keller is smitten with Justin and seems intrigued by this Brian that inspires the Rage.
J: Brian.
K: Brian?
J: He’s my boyfriend.
M: And my best friend. We based the character after him.
K: Is he as gorgeous as Rage?
M: Some people think so.
J: Most people think so.
K: Well, I’ll have to meet him. You know, just to get an idea.
M: What about tomorrow night? We could all go to Babylon.
J: It’s a dance club. They’re having a wet-willy contest.
K: Who said there’s nothing to do in Pittsburgh? I was gonna fly back to LA tomorrow but…
Did you see that look? Is Justin the thing to do in Pittsburgh or is it site-unseen Brian? Hmm. But saved by the bell… Keller’s phone rings, he looks at the caller ID then returns his gaze onto Justin.
K: Sorry. Colin! How would you like to save Gayopolis?
And now he’s working to impress Justin, who just grins as he mouths that it’s Colin Farrell. Keller looks right at Justin and Justin takes a bite out of a, what, a cherry tomato? Dang, that was hot! I love flirty Justin!
Brian’s Loft
The “aren’t you proud of me” Justin is telling Brian about his meeting with Brett Keller about Rage. He’s more than a little excited about it. Brian is still nonchalant about the whole thing but Justin doesn’t seem frazzled about it. Brian’s covering pretty well at this point, not a care in the world.
J: He loves it. He fuckin’ loves it! He says it’s genius.
B: That’s nice.
J: He also swears that no matter what, the characters are gonna stay exactly like they are in the comic. Hard-assed, edgy and queer.
B: Great.
J: Oh, get this. When we told him we based the character of Rage on you, he says I have to meet this guy. So we made plans to go to Babylon tomorrow night. Contingent, of course, on your availability.
B: Well, I have to get my tights back from the cleaners.
Justin is as cute as he can be, still giving Brian space, not putting any pressure on him at all. He’s obviously still a tad sore about Brian’s tirade at the end of the last episode. He’s assuming the outburst and the trip we’re because Brian was feeling tied down… to a ball and chain.
Brian, also a tad sore, grimaces in pain as he bends down to take off his pants. Justin notices his wince.
J: What’d you, hurt yourself?
B: I must’ve pulled a muscle in Ibiza.
J: I bet I can guess which one.
He’s really doing a good job of playing the detached boyfriend, teasing about his lover’s exploits but as he leans in to tease some more, he notices those dark circles under Brian’s eyes. Brian maintains his charade… lie after lie after lie.
J: You know, you look really tired.
B: Just jet lag. I’m fabuluso, senor!
J: I wish I could say the same thing about the shorts. Hey, don’t jack off in there… I have other plans!
Brian finishes taking off his pants and heads to the bathroom in just his undies. He shuts the door behind him. A couple of things… I liked the shorts but I could see Justin’s point. They weren’t exactly the 2xists that he wore in 101 or the sexy black briefs from 311. The ass scratch was cute. The bathroom door was kind of funny as well as Justin’s comment. You think, um, closed door always meant, “jacking off, leave me alone?”
As Justin walks away from the bathroom, the shower turns on and the phone rings.
J: Brian, do you want me to get the phone?
This is where I stop the show. If Justin never hears the phone message, we can continue on with this little charade like Brian has planned. But everytime I start the DVD back up, the damn phone rings again. I guess there’s just no stopping it.
Justin approaches the machine, it clicks on… this is like painfully slow for me. The dread of knowing what’s coming.
Machine: Hello, Mr. Kinney, this is Dr. Rabinowitz from the Johns Hopkins Oncology Center. I’d like to discuss your post-surgery options so please give me a call at 410-555-4832.
As the information from the phone message starts to sink in, the shock, the enormity of the situation dawns on Justin and they show it with the usual flash of bright light. Justin starts to call out to Brian, then stops. There’s been a lot of discussion about what he does or more accurately what he doesn’t do. My first thought is that I would barrel into that bathroom and demand to know WTF? But seriously, we’re talking about Brian here and Justin knows, the sudden trip to Ibiza, Brian turning him down sexually not once but twice, Brian yelling at him, not telling him what was wrong, Brian telling him he missed him, the wince when he undressed, Brian looking tired… all signs but yet Brian said nothing. The light bulb that went off over his head with that bright light was the realization that if Brian wanted him to know, he would have told him.
And at the same time, he realizes, this is serious. You tell someone. Who would that someone be if not him? Michael, his best friend of over sixteen years. So instead of confronting the boyfriend, he decides to confront the boyfriend’s best friend to get more information first. Big mistake as it turns out.
I do wonder about two things… One, did Justin just leave? Did Brian come out of the shower to find that he was alone? That would be weird, especially after the whole “I’ll be here” thing. Two, how did Brian expect to get out of performing those “other plans” of Justin’s? I guess that’s the problem with the whole train of thought about his ruse. How was he going to hold Justin at bay while he healed? These things take 3-4 weeks at least before you’re back to normal. And since these operations are performed with one 3-4” incision in the groin in the lower abdomen then how did he expect to explain this new scar? But we never get to find out those things because now that the cat is out of the bag, none of that matters. Besides, I never care too much about really getting the answers to my little musings, they can’t show us everything and I’m fine with that. It’s just fun to speculate the what-ifs.
Comic Book Store
Justin shows up at the comic store. Michael is checking out a Rage standee.
M: Hey what do you think? I thought I’d put him out front when the next issue comes out.
Okay, just a thought… How many issues have gone out now? It doesn’t matter really, I’m just curious… The first issue, released in 220 was about JT’s bashing. In early S3, we had the steroid user guy, Juice Pig. Then the whole Ice-Tina story. In 309, Brian actually held up the Ice-Tina issue with the blowjob on the cover. So that’s one for sure. What about in 314 when Justin was working on the Swine/Razorback politician guy? Come to think of it… Swine/Razorback dude and Juice Pig… why all the references to pigs for villains? Then in 402/405, Justin’s drawing the jock getting his dick ripped off. So is the next one about JT’s revenge?
Are there multiple villains in any one issue? For some reason I thought that in comic books, each issue had a different villain, different story with the hero always winning in the end. Next issue, next villain. So with the bashers as the introduction then Juice Pig, Ice-Tina, Razorback Swine, etc… Are we on issue #5 now?
Anyway, back to Justin’s mood. Can you say pissed off? He’s obviously not there to chit-chat. When Justin doesn’t speak, Michael senses that something’s wrong.
M: What’s wrong? Don’t you like him?
J: Did you know?
M: Huh?
J: Did… you… know?
I love snarky Justin repeating himself only very ssslllooowwwlllyyy so widdle Mikey can understand.
M: Know what?
J: About Brian. He didn’t go to Ibiza.
M: Well, where’d he go? South Beach? Cancun?
J: Johns Hopkins. It’s a hospital in Baltimore.
Again Justin snarks. I’m starting to get the impression that Justin thinks Michael is stupid. You think? So why in the hell did he take his advice? Grrr. Justin, please, listen to your heart.
M: I know what it is. What was he doing there?
J: There was a message from a Dr. Rabinowitz on his machine, checking up on his surgery and to discuss follow-up treatment so I called the hospital to see who Dr. Rabinowitz is and he’s an oncologist who specializes in testicular cancer.
M: Oh God.
J: So you really didn’t know?
This is just all kinds of wrong. I hate Justin’s insecurities. I understand them, really I do, I’d probably have them myself if I were in a relationship like this one. It’s just painful to watch because we know he doesn’t need to feel insecure about Brian. The man loves him and Justin has been onto him forever… he just needs to go with his heart and things would be fine. He’s trying too hard to work things the right way and he’s working them wrong. He’s fighting his instincts. This is the problem with undefined, non-verbalized relationships. You have insecurities about your place in the other’s life and you never know how the other feels. Of course you don’t realize these things until there’s a problem, but usually by then, it’s too late and you’re floundering around trying to make sense of things that you shouldn’t have to make sense of. You should just know.
I understand Brian’s insecurity to not tell Justin and I understand Justin’s insecurity for not confronting him right away when he found out, but it’s still painful to watch. Lack of communication was what destroyed them last time and even though they’ve made huge strides in telling each other how they feel, they’re still not 100% open with each other with the really big stuff. Without honesty, though, it’s not real.
J: Well, if he didn’t tell you and he didn’t tell me, then who did he tell?
M: My guess is nobody.
J: That he has cancer?
M: Well, I’m sure if he wanted us to know, he would have told us.
J: What are we supposed to do? Just keep our mouths shut? Act like we don’t know anything?
M: If that’s what he wants, then that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.
The thing that I find the most interesting is Justin’s disbelief in Brian keeping this a secret. He’s always been “on to” Brian but that was when it came to Brian thinking too much about himself. Justin saw through the bravado to see the flawed man underneath. I don’t think it ever occurred to him that Brian wouldn’t realize that he saw it. And I don’t know that Justin realized that the bravado wasn’t just to create an image and protect himself but to hide the negative self-image Brian had. I guess that’s why I’m so frustrated. Justin has always called Brian on his bullshit, Michael has always just gone along with it and now Michael’s convincing Justin to just be another Brian Kinney, sex god, enabler. Give him what he wants – don’t challenge him. This goes against every thing Justin’s ever been to Brian. And in a way, it might very well have fed Brian’s fear to push him away. He could have misinterpreted Justin’s deception as pity and well, we all know how Brian feels about pity.
Kinnetik
At Kinnetik, Brian is back at work, leading a status meeting. He’s not doing very well. Standing up but leaning on the table, drinking water, struggling with his words, he’s pained and he’s flushed. He struggles to get control of himself but it’s too late, everyone has already noticed… something’s wrong.
Ted: Brian, you okay?
Cynthia: Brian?
Brian: Yeah. Ummm. Yeah. If you’ll excuse me for just one second.
He leaves the room, goes into his office to sit down and get himself together. Ted, sensing this is serious, follows Brian.
T: Brian?
B: I’m fine.
T: Well, you sure as hell don’t look it. You practically fainted in there.
B: I’m just a little tired from my trip.
T: Well, maybe you should go home. I mean, we could finish this tomorrow...
B: I said I’m fine! Now let’s finish the goddamn meeting!
T: You don’t have to be so testy.
Now, you just know Brian was told to take off work but he’s stubborn and still not willing to admit this is making him weak and he’s not willing to let the cancer beat him. That’s admirable of course, but it’s not out of some statement of bravery, it’s to protect the image, maintain the pretense. He has to carry on as usual. But just having surgery and probably on pain pills, he would be weak and dizzy.
This kind of surgery is to the groin area, a bikini line incision in the lower abdomen and I’ve had two of those. (Not balls removed, mind you, but lower abdomen, bikini line incisions.) You just don’t realize how much you use your muscles in that area until they’ve been cut up. It’s hard to stand, it’s hard to sit and it hurts like hell to make even the slightest of movements. And he shouldn’t be driving!! So yeah, I’m totally in tune with his pain and weakness here, but he gets testy (totally not funny, btw) because the last thing he wanted was someone noticing that something was wrong.
***************
Quick time out for another “things that make you go hmmm” moment…
Debbie: I just got a little shaky, that’s all. I didn’t get my sea legs back. I’ll be better tomorrow.
Another Disney reference. Man, Season 4 has lots of Disney references. Hmmm.
***************
Babylon
Over at Babylon, it’s the night of the wet-willy contest, the night Brian is supposed to meet Keller. All the guys are very well-endowed. Justin’s eyeballs are bulging out of his head. Brian is uncomfortable. Guh!
J: Fuck, is that thing real?
B: It’s real alright but you should put your eyes back in your pants. He’s a bottom.
Hmmm. Brian, jealous? I never would have thought. Hahaha. And so what if the guy is a bottom? Justin tops, he can go have some fun if he wants. But okay, this is serious. Brian shouldn’t be there. He can barely stand up. This pretense is costing him dearly. Poor Brian. Justin notices of course…
J: Why don’t we get out of here?
B: The night’s still under 30.
Oh, poor Brian. This age thing is messing with him big time. He’s old, diseased, and imperfect. I just ache. Mikey comes up and does I don’t know what, but it was very inappropriate, the moron. You don’t grab someone like that when they’ve just had surgery. Shit. And he knows about it! Complete moron. And Brian is really hurt from it. He plays off pretty good, but it hurt damn it. I hate Mikey right now.
M: Hey!
B: You play hard!
M: Hey! How are you? I mean… how was your trip?
B: I almost didn’t come back.
M: We would have missed you.
Again, what a dip-shit. He almost trips up right there. First clue to us that his deception pact with Justin is a load of crap. Michael is weak and just not smart enough to pull this off.
And don’t forget Brian’s comment. “I almost didn’t come back.” Is there such a thing as vindication? I think there is. I feel vindicated. Michael and Justin have no idea just how true that statement really is. He almost really didn’t come back… saved by the blond.
And my little evil side loves the irony that Mikey tells Brian that they would have missed him when that was the exact thing Brian said to Justin. Not Mikey. Justin. I love it!! Keller walks up to join the conversation.
K: This must be him. He looks like Rage.
M: Brian, this is Brett Keller.
B: Ah, boy wonder of Hollywood.
K: Sounds like him too.
Brian’s pain is really kicking in and I’m guessing so are his pain pills. He retreats back against the railing after only letting go for a second to shake Brett’s hand. He should not be there but I’m glad to see he’s only drinking water. He decides he needs to really get away from everyone to collect himself and yet still carry on the pretense that everything’s just… perfect.
B: You know, in addition to this year’s big winner, there’s also some big losers. Think I’ll go and console them.
Now Mikey notices that Brian shouldn’t be there. I like to think that he wouldn’t be in as bad shape as he was if Mikey hadn’t done whatever he did to him when he walked up. So I blame Mikey for Brian’s hasty retreat. Of course, Mikey blames Justin for Brian even being there.
M: Why did you let him come here? He should be home resting.
J: How am I supposed to stop him when I’m not supposed to know?
Justin walks off. Good for him. This is Michael’s charade. Justin’s just playing along. I’m getting madder by the second, I don’t like how this is playing out at all. But this line does make Justin go think and he does come up with a plan… how to get Brian home and in bed without letting Brian know that he’s taking care of him. Justin knows Brian would never want someone coddling him. This is going to take some more scheming. Brilliant scheming, but scheming nonetheless. The web just gets bigger and bigger.
Brett turns to Michael and Ben, impressed with Babylon he says he’s going to create Babylon as is for the Rage movie. He loves the place.
M: See? I told you so. Ben’s a writer, too.
K: Screenplays?
B: Books. Just finished a novel.
K: What’s it about?
B: It’s a love story between two men, set in Paris in the 30's.
K: Period pieces are a tough sell.
B: I wasn’t planning to sell it. Besides, I’m sure it’s not your thing.
K: And what is?
B: Mindless entertainment for 12-year-old boys.
M: Jesus, Ben!
K: No, I’d like to hear what he has to say. Please. Continue.
B: Considering you’re gay and you pretty much have the power to do anything you want, I’d think you might do a project with some relevance. Some social responsibility.
Interesting words from the professor… Let’s look at Keller a minute and try to figure out who he’s supposed to represent. There have been numerous speculations by people but I like to look at the clues to figure things out. Michael gave us the names of three of his movies in 406 so I’m thinking the answer lies there.
V-Men… or in reality, X-Men, which was directed by Bryan Singer who is gay and out but as far as I could tell by doing some quick research on him, he’s never done gay-themed movies with the social responsibility that Ben talked about. I may be missing something but he seems to be the blockbuster summer hit type of director.
Batman II… or in reality, Batman, which was directed by Tim Burton who is not gay but has done a string of movies about a character who is different or has something inside them that they’re struggling with to fit in. These strong but different characters have made Burton a favorite in the gay community.
Pharmacy Cowboy… or in reality, Drugstore Cowboy, which was directed by Gus Van Sant who is also gay and out. He has done some unusually poignant and edgy movies, some gay-themed like My Private Idaho but I didn’t see where he’d done big blockbusters.
So maybe Keller is supposed to be a mixture of all three of these great directors and that’s why they chose those three particular movie titles to throw at us. The artsy, unusual guy like Van Sant, who has an understanding of being different like Burton, but can handle the big blockbuster like Singer. Maybe we’ll see more of these diverse qualities as the Keller story moves along.
Downstairs, Justin interrupts Brian as he’s in the middle of consoling one of the losers of the wet-willy contest. I have no idea what he thought he was going to do with the guy once he got him, but who cares? He was just using the guy as a ruse so Justin might go find his own loser to console and that would save Brian from having to be intimate with Justin or turn him down again. I mean, he said he missed him, pushing him away might prove to be rather difficult.
Justin gets all that, I’m sure, so he puts his plan in motion. Play the needy boyfriend. Now under normal circumstances I would say this wouldn’t work, but since we all know Brian really doesn’t want to be there and is probably looking for a way out, he grabs onto his needy boyfriend and plays the protector, giving his console-ee the brush-off. Chalk one up for Justin… Brian has no idea he’s the protect-ee this time and Brian feels safe going home with Justin because if he’s sick, Justin won’t be all over him anyway. Pretty smart cookie if you ask me.
J: Brian, hey. I’m not feeling too well. I think it might be food poisoning.
B: Well you should go home then.
J: Will you come with me? Please?
B: I guess you lose again.
***************
Quick time out for sigh factor…
After Ben and Michael have their fight we see Hunter cowering in his bed. He was just starting to get a life and feel loved and protected and now it’s all messed up.
**sniff**
***************
Brian’s Loft
Cut to the loft and what happened after Justin’s charade to get Brian home and in bed. Brian, weak and kind of woozy is fumbling with his buttons, Justin comes up behind him to help. Brian balks but gives in.
J: Let me help.
B: I can do it.
J: I know you can.
Now the important thing to note here is Justin’s, “I know you can”. He may be assisting Brian and taking care of him but he knows Brian’s ego, he knows Brian would never want him to “baby” him. And he’s proven right by the way Brian jerks his arm out of the sleeve of his shirt. He’s irritated that he needs Justin’s help but he’s just too weak to not allow him to help him. Justin plays his perfectly.
Brian scoots up on the bed and allows Justin to take his pants off of him. As he’s lying there being taken care of, it dawns on him that they came home so he could take care of sick Justin. Again, Justin says the right thing but all these lies are just so sad.
B: I thought you had food poisoning.
J: I guess it was just a tummy ache.
Tummy ache? Ahhhh. How sweet is that? Brian accepts Justin’s reason, lies back and closes his eyes. Justin hovers over him, stroking Brian’s face softly and giving slight brushes of kisses. He’s fighting his silence but he maintains. Justin is so strong here but in an attempt to feel as close to Brian as he can, he asks Brian to let him inside his charade. If he won’t share the reality with him then Justin will take the fantasy.
J: Tell me about Ibiza.
B: Uhh...It was like I died and went to homo heaven. Beautiful guys all dressed in white.
He’s talking about his dream here. The hot go-go boys in their white Speedos, dancing in Babylon… his heaven, his homo-heaven.
B: And everywhere you went, it smelled like lemon-scented air freshener.
Now he’s talking about the hospital… his dream and his reality are crashing together. In his drug-induced state, I doubt he knows the difference anymore.
J: It sounds great.
B: I even fucked a matador.
J: No way.
B: Ole.
Justin is so good here. Just so good. It’s taking every ounce of strength he has to play along. Gee, he loves this man! This may be one of the most touching, griping scenes so far this season. So much emotion permeates off these two… I’m truly touched.
As Brian drifts off, Justin gazes down at the man he loves, helpless to help him. He scoots down, putting his arms around him and laying his head on Brian’s chest. He squeezes, hugging him tight, sniffles then kisses his chest. He sniffles more, lays his head back down and takes a deep cleansing breath to get his emotions in check. He has to hold off his cry because he knows that Brian would never want him to cry over him. Loving Brian does not mean pitying him. Justin knows. He gets control, no matter how hard it is for him. Justin is strong enough and loves him enough to honor those wishes. The difference between Michael and Justin… Justin knows what the wishes are, Michael thinks he does, but he’s wrong.
***************
Quick time out for another sigh factor…
I love Ted giving Michael the wisdom of what he learned with Emmett and having to be the one on top. First Ted, now Ben. Brian, next? These alpha-male tops better learn… it’s about being equal partners and contributors, not who’s paying the bills. Money is just the thing you need to pay the bills, it’s not the sign of your worth. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but they can’t move on without it. Ted finally gets that. You need a partner to share your life with, not to take care of.
***************
Comic Book Store
Keller is at the comic store, checking out Michael’s vast collection then scams a hard to find comic. See? This is how clueless Michael is, Keller is rich and Michael gives him a “hard to find” comic as a gift? Okay, maybe buying the man a gift was a slick move, but it just bugged me. I don’t know at this point that Michael could do anything that wouldn’t bug me. Oh yes, he could… go home to Ben and Hunter. When he is with them, he acts like a man. When he’s dealing with Brian, he’s a bratty, selfish, stupid child.
K: Guys, I’ll be in touch.
M: Thanks Brett.
J: Thank you for everything.
K: And if we can’t get Colin or Ashton to play Rage, we’ll get Brian.
Smiles and hugs all around then Brett leaves. As soon as the door shuts behind him, their happy world of dreaming about “stah-dom” halts and their smiles and excitement turn to frowns and worry.
M: How’s he doing?
J: He’s still pretending like everything’s alright and I’m still pretending like I don’t know.
Justin shakes his head, clearly in pain over this charade. He knows deep down, it’s wrong, it’s a lie. His heart is talking to him.
J: Fuck this shit. I’m telling him.
M: You can’t! He wants it this way.
J: It’s easy for you to say. He’s not your boyfriend. You don’t love him.
M: I love him enough to honor his wishes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, Mikey loves Brian, no doubt about it and Justin knows that. But his love is different, or I should say, it should be different than Justin’s love. Not better, not worse, just different. Different compartment of the heart.
But this is where I start to lose it. This makes twice now that Michael stopped Justin from doing what was right… being honest with his partner. And this time, he makes Justin look like a schmuck for wanting to tell him. As if Justin ‘didn’t love him enough’. Yeah well, we’ll see who has balls and who doesn’t. And I’m not talking about Brian here.
Brian’s Loft
Another one of those Michael/Brian/marijuana scenes where they are reminiscing about their high school days. And I think it just occurred to me why they bother me so much. I made a comment that I felt that Justin’s youth helped Brian forget that he was over 30 and aging and that the cancer brought the fear back to the surface. I still believe that but there is a difference in the way Justin keeps Brian young and the way Michael does it for him. With Justin, Brian is living in the now, but feels youthful enough to face the future where age isn’t an issue. With Michael, he feels youthful but only because they are living in the past. The good ole days. When they are having these scenes, it reminds of how much Brian is running away from the aging process. He clings to Michael and his memories of the past like a security blanket of his youth. And this also explains why I like Michael with Ben and Hunter. He’s a grown up around them. He makes the right choices and I like his character. He’s living in the now when he’s with them. But with Brian, he just reverts to a wimpy, immature person. This is the perfect example of how Michael is Brian’s enabler. Mikey stands up to Ben and to Hunter. He’s almost bossy. He is never this way with Brian. But that is what Brian needs sometimes. And that’s what Justin provides him. Justin challenges him, calls him on his bullshit, just like Mikey does to Ben.
Brian will never be able to continue to move forward if he stays in the past. He tells Mikey to tell him a story about yesterday. In a sense asking him to make him forget about today and tomorrow and enabling him to ignore his situation. Enabling him to continue to have these insecurities because they aren’t getting dealt with like this. They are just getting swept under the rug, hidden in deception and lies. It’s just unhealthy and that’s what bothers me.
Brian pulls out of his reverie over yesteryear to muse over the movie deal. I like that he said he’d been thinking about it all day, but I think it sucks that what little excitement he has about this deal was never shown to Justin. He was nonchalant about the whole thing every time Justin mentioned it. That leads me to believe that this deal worries Brian when it comes to Justin. The success of this movie will be a good thing for his best friend. Success, fortune, etc. Things he’s always wanted for Michael. Michael lives a separate life, so success would only enhance it and Brian can be happy about that. Whether Mikey succeeds or fails doesn’t really affect Brian’s life, they will always be friends.
He wants those things for Justin too, but success and fortune for Justin, in Brian’s mind, means bye-bye Brian. He’s wrong, of course, but I can see now why he’s been aloof about it in front of Justin. It feeds the fear that Justin will leave him one day. The age gap insecurity rears its ugly head.
Think back to season 1… Mikey’s decision to go to Portland with Dr. Dave. Brian would miss him but he encouraged him to go. They would always be friends, it didn’t matter where they lived. Then look at Justin’s comment about going away to college. Brian was bugged. Because they were not friends, they were lovers and they couldn’t continue to be lovers when they lived in different cities. Justin saw it in his eyes… saw it on his face. “You soooo care about me,” he said. Brian would’ve encouraged Justin to go and be successful because that would be best for Justin if that’s what Justin would’ve wanted, but that would’ve also meant his relationship with Justin as he knew it, would’ve ended. That’s the difference. And that’s the fear he has now. In his mind, the always have, always will doesn’t apply to Justin.
So this movie, while a great thing, gives Brian one more reason to fret over losing Justin one day… in addition to the fact that he’s no longer perfect. Double trouble, if you will.
B: Now Hollywood’s calling and whew… Rage - The Movie.
M: He wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for you. So you gonna come to the premiere?
B: Why wouldn’t I?
M: I want it to be at that theatre. You know, the one with all the stars’ footprints. Wouldn’t it be cool if we had our footprints in the cement? Michael and Brian, immortalized forever. Just you and me.
Mikey anger starting to boil here… not only at the comment, but he’s got his hand all over Brian. Playing with his hair… someone help me here… I don’t do this with my friends. Is this one of those gay guy best friend things? Cause I just don’t understand it. But let’s ignore that ‘cause it’s not really important. It bugs me, but in the scheme of things, it’s insignificant. I’ll be bold and ask the question that’s plaguing everyone’s mind… Where’s Ben and Justin and Hunter in this little “just you and me” daydream?
It’s sickening where Mikey keeps his priorities sometimes. While Brian frets over losing Justin, it’s almost like Mikey has no issue at all with losing Ben. Like he’s just accepted the fact that his days with Ben are numbered and he’ll just enjoy them while he can. So now I’m starting to think that Michael thinks the same thing that Brian thinks about Justin… that he’ll leave him someday. That Brian’s relationship with Justin is just to pass the time until Ben dies and Brian tires of tricking… and then when it’s all said and done, they’ll just be a couple of old queens living out their days in Palm Springs. Together, immortalized forever, just Brian and Michael. It’s delusional and so unhealthy.
But reality crashes in on his delusion because Brian has cancer. **GASP** That just wrecks Mikey’s little plan of the perfect ending. As he continues to stroke Brian’s hair, grrr, he starts crying. Not because of Brian and what he’s going through, but because what Brian’s going through affects him and changes his dream of happily ever after.
Justin wanted to cry too when he was stroking Brian’s face and holding him, but he held it together. Michael, the wimp, can’t. Loves him enough to honor his wishes? Pfft. Brian hears his cries and reacts as any friend would…
B: Michael? Mikey?
M: I’m sorry.
Now, I’m going to pause here. Why? Because Michael does!! All he has to do at this point is lie. Hell, everyone else is lying. He told Justin to lie!! He could say he’s still grieving over Vic or that he’s worried about Ben and Hunter or worried about his mom. There are numerous reasons for Michael to be crying right now. But he doesn’t. And THAT’S why I’m mad at Michael. Not because he breaks down. He’s been through a lot, I’ll give him that. I’m mad because he couldn’t follow through with the deception that HE created. He thinks about himself. Not Brian’s feelings and most assuredly not Justin’s. Did he go there to betray Justin? No, I don’t think so. But he did. And did he spill the beans because he was caught up in the moment? No, I don’t think so. Because…
He pauses. Sniffs. Composes himself. THINKS. And still totally wimps out. It’s the pause that gets to me.
M: I know. I know you didn’t go to Ibiza. I know you went to Johns Hopkins and you had surgery. Oh god! If I lose you, I don’t know what I’ll do!
See? Selfishness. No other way to describe it. This is not about Brian, this is all about Michael’s needs and Brian, the one with the cancer, the one who is weak and in pain, ends up comforting his best friend instead of the other way around. Brian grabs him, hugs him. Just turns my stomach. Seriously.
B: I’m okay. I’m okay.
No, he’s not! Hell, the man can’t function at work. Can’t function at Babylon. Can barely undress himself.
M: I wasn’t supposed to tell you. I told him not to tell…
Well at least he tells Brian that the deception was his idea. Not that it matters, the damage has been done. Brian, in pain or not, bolts upright. Adrenaline is a powerful thing, you know.
B: Who?
M: Justin. He overheard the doctor leaving a message on your machine and he called the hospital.
Brian is pissed.
Now some have asked… why is Brian okay with Mikey knowing but not Justin. Well, I’ll tell you. Brian’s imperfection is in his balls, a sexual organ. He doesn’t fuck Michael so what does it matter if Michael knows? Justin and all the potential tricks at Babylon, different story. It does matter. To anyone that Brian fucks or has the potential to fuck, Brian must be perfect. It’s his image. This is the same reason why he can cry in front of Michael. He doesn’t have to put up a front with Michael. Michael is his friend… warts and all and will be there when they are old queens. Justin… no. In Brian’s mind, Justin loves him because he’s Brian-fucking-Kinney… the man with the perrr-fect body and the beee-u-tiful dick.
Brian just shakes his head. Why? Because it’s all over. The end of Brian’s dream of happily ever after. His pretense of perfection is dead. Justin knows. And now he’ll leave him. But not if Brian kicks him out first. What did Brian say last week? “The less you have to hold onto, the easier it is to let go.” And isn’t it easier to let go now before things go any further and the potential is even greater that it will hurt more than it would right now? Brian CAN NOT have Justin walk out on him again. You saw him in 301/302. He can’t go through that again. He has to get control over the situation. If it’s going to end, it will be on his terms.
***************
Quick time out for just one more sigh factor…
Sharon is awesome in the scene with Horvath. I’m still mad at her for the slap but I felt Debbie’s pain in this scene. And Peter MacNichol did really well with Horvath’s pain as well. Powerful scene.
***************
Brian’s Loft
Boy, I’ll tell you what… never, and I mean never have we seen this look of sheer anger on Brian’s face. It’s almost evil and eerie feeling. I’ve seen it on Gale’s in Wake, but dang, never on QAF. It is scary and Justin walks right into it… unsuspecting of what’s about to happen. It makes it harder to take and I’m cringing. I don’t want to watch this. It’s harsh, it’s brutal, it’s quick, it’s just guh!
Now, is Brian pissed at Justin? No. He pissed because he has to do this. His anger is at the situation. The cancer. The missing ball. Justin gets the brunt of it because in his twisted mind of self-doubt, Brian, in a way, blames Justin for all of this. If he would’ve just gone to Ibiza, he wouldn’t have to do this. He chose to live for this man, but he chose to live with the idea that he could deceive him for as long as he could. He still thought he would eventually leave him, but it would be later rather than sooner. But with the deception dead, he has to end it sooner rather than later. So see? It’s all Justin’s fault. Like I said, Brian can be really stupid some times.
This anger, this hatred, this look of sheer evil is Brian psyching himself up to do it. He doesn’t want to do it but he has to.
J: Hey, I picked up some movies. Figured we’d just stay in and watch.
What’s cool about Justin bringing the movies is that he found a way to get Brian to stay at home without him suspecting that he’s trying to get him to stay at home. Smart. Deceptive.
Brian looks at him, studies his face, searches for pity. He doesn’t find it but he marches on because he understands the movie charade. He has to get one last look. This has got to be killing him inside.
B: What’d you bring? “Terms of Endearment”? “Love Story”? “My Boyfriend Has Cancer”?
Brian throws the DVDs… Justin jumps. Shit. Brian stands up. Justin grabs his arm, he thinks they’re going to talk about this now.
J: Why didn’t you tell me?
Brian pulls away, stomps over to pick up the DVDs off the floor. They are poison and he doesn’t want them in his loft, besides, anything to keep himself busy so he doesn’t have to look at Justin. Did you notice how his voice changed? It got very deep. I shivered.
B: Maybe because I didn’t want you to know! Or maybe because it’s none of your fucking business!
Almost gave away the farm there. The real reason is that he didn’t want him to know. What he’s hiding is why. This is just brutal.
J: Brian, I’m your partner.
B: Not anymore. I don’t want you here, now get the fuck out!
J: Cut it out.
B: I said get the fuck out!
J: Brian, I love you and I want to help you.
B: Get the fuck out!
J: Geezus!!
Brian tosses Justin’s backpack out onto the landing and tosses Justin out the door and out of his life.
Better to do it now, then later. Stupid, stupid man.
One thing that struck me about this episode and particularly this scene… The theme of deception reminded of one of my favorite movies of all time… Dangerous Liaisons. Now do I think that that was intended? I don’t know, it may be far-fetched but let me explain before you roll your eyes at me. That movie and its copycat, Cruel Intentions, were about deception and the horrid webs we weave. The whole movie was about lying to protect your image, your reputation. It was about how love could be betrayed because keeping the self-image was for self-preservation. The loss of the love killed them inside but outside it enabled them to remain who everyone thought they were. A man or woman in control of everything around them.
And in a way, isn’t Brian similar to the great Valmont who fell for his conquest, Madame Tourvel unsuspectingly? He was a playboy who got snagged by love. Brian, same thing. Valmont’s love for her threatened his reputation and he had to end it. Granted this was an entirely different reason then why Brian had to end it with Justin but in both cases it was primarily the result of ego and pride. The way Brian broke it off with Justin though, mirrors the way Valmont broke it off with Madame Tourvel. Quick, abrupt, harsh, without a full explanation and fighting with the pain in his heart to do it the whole time.
What did Valmont say to Madame Tourvel to end it? “It’s beyond my control.” He said it over and over unable to give her any other explanation. Why? Because his reasons were bullshit. They were selfish. He loved her and didn’t want to end it. His stupid pride made him do it.
Brian’s life is totally beyond his control and he’s struggling to get it back. He may not have said, “It’s beyond my control” in those exact words, but that’s what he said in Brian-speak. “Get the fuck out!” Over and over. Three times to be exact and without any other explanation because his reasons were bullshit. They were selfish. He loved him and didn’t want to end it. He just felt he had to, for self-preservation, to keep himself from getting hurt worse later. His stupid pride made him do it.
So call me crazy but as I watched Brian say those words over and over no matter what Justin said in response, I had flashes of Valmont and Tourvel. Beats me if it was intended or not, but it was just almost too close to not have been.
Maybe it’s my nature to defend Brian, I seem to be more okay with his deception than anybody else’s. And I do seem to put an unequal amount of burden on Justin’s shoulders. He’s so much stronger than Brian in matters of the heart so I tend to want him to be the one to see everything that’s wrong and fix it. That may be unfair, in fact, I know it’s unfair but that’s why I say Justin should’ve listened to his heart and confronted Brian when he wanted to. If he would’ve walked in there and told Brian what was what, he could’ve put an end to this delusion that Brian has that Justin would leave him over this.
We all know Justin and he wouldn’t have cried on Brian’s shoulder like Mikey did, he would have stood strong beside him. He wouldn’t have coddled him and babied him. He would’ve done it right. Just like he did that night when he put him to bed. He would’ve helped him without making him feel weak and he would’ve loved him without pitying him and he most certainly wouldn’t have been feeling sorry for himself. Justin has strength and that’s what Brian needs right now.
He also needs a swift kick in the pants, okay maybe he’s technically already had one of those but it must have fried his brain, oh well I guess it kind of did that too... ah, forget the clichés… what I’m trying to say is he can be so damn stupid sometimes.
I’m pissed and blame everyone.
I’m pissed at Michael and it would be so easy to completely blame him… but I can’t. He’s weak and has been through a lot which makes him even weaker.
I’m pissed at Brian and it would be so easy to completely blame him too… but I can’t. This love stuff is new to him and well he’s been going through a lot too and has big issues with his self-image of being worthy of Justin’s love.
I’m pissed at Justin too and while it wouldn’t be so easy to completely blame him… I blame him a little bit. He listened to someone who’s known Brian for over 16 years, hardly a thing to blame him for but I’m still screaming at him to listen to himself next time. Believe it or not, he knows Brian better then Michael does.
All this pretense has to stop. All this pissing all over each other out of fear has to stop. They all need to have some balls and stand up for themselves and their relationships. They have to get to the honesty and trust parts and they’ll never get there if they don’t communicate with each other.
It’s natural for us to get upset about a possible tearing apart of the super couple… but we have to put this in perspective. Did we really want to just watch Brian and Justin cooking their mother’s meatloaf and watching slides of the kids at Disneyland for the rest of the season? Not me… we needed to see this final development and yes, it’s painful to watch. It wasn’t easy to see Brian yell at Justin after the robbery, it wasn’t easy to see Brian show up at the prom to have it become a nightmare for them both, it wasn’t easy to see Justin walk away with Ethan, and it wasn’t easy to watch Brian with that hustler or for him to lose his job… but all those things were worth it in the end because of how much better they were on the other side. Something bad had to happen for this final wall to come down… the partnership we’ve seen play out for the last seven episodes was an illusion, a cheap imitation of a partnership. It wasn’t real because it lacked honesty.
And what is the final wall? Brian’s warped view of who he is and what he means to people. He has been messed up in this regard for the entire series. He has to be on top… in control. He is perfect. Justin knows of Brian’s need to be in control, he told us in 401… then Brian joked about it in 402. So what is the best way to get Brian to deal with emotional/mental hang-ups? Actions… turn it physical. Give him an illness that will change his image of perfection and make him face his mortality… something that he can’t control. Shake him to the core. Rattle his foundation. How is he to deal with that?
Well, Justin, of course. We all know that it has been Justin and only Justin throughout the last three seasons that has systematically knocked down every wall that Brian had. Whether it was because of straight forward in your face advice or under the radar suggestions or because he beat him over the head when he walked out on him, it ALL brought Brian closer to being the best Brian that he could be. A better Brian for Justin. A Brian without the walls, without the hang-ups, without the issues. That’s why I say Justin should’ve marched in there and had his say.
Does anybody really think that Justin is going to give up after all he’s been through? He’s gonna have to get back in there and prove to Brian that he’s not going anywhere. That Brian doesn’t have to be in control, he doesn’t have to be perfect, he doesn’t have to be the one that takes care of everyone else. “Sometimes a man needs to know when to ask for help”, right?
Brian has to give up some of the control to Justin. He has to be willing to allow Justin to support him when he has trauma, emotionally as well as physically, and to not push him away ever again. Otherwise, he would just do the same thing the next time something awful happened and Justin can’t live like that and won’t. This kind of behavior doesn’t make them true partners. Brian’s answer of “we are” to the partner question in 401 was premature but he didn’t know that, he didn’t understand that and Justin didn’t either. You can tell by how they were acting in the beginning of the season. They think they are fine… committed. This illness and subsequent push away proves that the commitment was weak and maybe after Justin gets back in there and tells him what’s what, they’ll understand all that. The commitment will be stronger. Then they’ll be able to truly say that they’re partners and they’ll both be able to truly believe it… because it will be true.
Angst makes good drama and I’m all for it… but I NEVER AGAIN want to see Justin standing outside that loft door with his head down and his finger in his ear… he looked broken down and beaten. Love is hard enough, loving Brian Kinney is even harder. That image was just brutal. NEVER AGAIN!! Do you hear me, Cow/Lip?!?
