Episode 407:
Debating Death and Pondering Perfection
Hmmm, I’m gonna say it’s about inspiration, perfection and just how messy real life can be. Nothing is really ever perfect. Nothing ever goes how you plan it to and not all inspirations are good ones. It’s this weird overall theme of how the view that others have of us and how the actions of those around us have an effect on us… on the way we carry on and the decisions we make. It’s about the illusions and realities of perfection.
Let’s start off with Lindsay and Melanie and get them out of the way first. They have no connection to the theme whatsoever. They are just there… barely. Melanie speaks of Vic’s shirt and does a hip bump at the party. If they get paid by the word, she might be a little short this week. Fine by me actually. Lindsay… no sign of the painter storyline and I find that to be refreshing. I thought it stuck out like a sore thumb in 406 and just didn’t go with the flow of the rest of the episode. They should have waited to start her story in 408 when the Vic thing was over and done with. The story is actually growing on me so I’m not complaining about it, I’m just saying that it didn’t belong in 406 and might have gone down easier the first time around had it been after I’d had a chance to mourn over Vic. Anyway, no Sam… fine by me. Lindsay’s role in this episode was to add angst to Brian’s life. And boy did she ever.
Blake and Ted: Blake has been an inspiration to Ted. True. But the whole thing is a mess now. Ted’s recovery needed to stem from within himself and Blake clouded that for him and things happened that neither of them planned. It was an illusion of a relationship… it wasn’t real. So when Blake backed away after acting weak and selfish, Ted backslides into old habits. (I really liked Shawn in 120, but this guy that the same actor is playing now just gets on my nerves. Hot, hot, hot! Totally NOT, not, not!) The only thing perfect about Ted and Blake at this point is their perfect timing for disaster. It’s all so sad really. I’m a supporter of the Blake/Ted coupling, but no, I didn’t want it this way. I want them to be together when Ted is healthy, when Blake is healthy. Not as co-dependents. My support will continue to be there, but them walking away from each other maturely and with hope for more perfect timing in the future was enough. I can wait.
Michael/Ben/Hunter: I’m totally feeling Hunter’s pain and I’m so glad they followed up his look of shock from 406. No doubt he would act out in some way. And there’s a little bit of reality for me about Ben when he tells Hunter that it was his ex-lover who infected him and Hunter says, “And you didn’t kill him?” Wow. I guess I never thought of it in those terms. That would be hard to take. How could you get through that and not hate the person, not wish them harm, not kill them. I don’t know, it just struck me. Me, me, me Michael goes at it again with Hunter at the dinner table and then Ben interjects a bit of reality… “Why would you, you don’t have it.” Ouch. But sooooo needed to be said. Michael wants this neat little perfect life… this illusion that HE’S not alone. This all about me Michael really has me up in arms. It really does. He’s not alone damn it! That’s not an illusion, it’s real. Open you freakin’ eyes!
Deb: Has flipped her lid. Guilt is a powerful thing and with the inspiration she gets from Vic’s letter she goes about making a tribute to him… a perfect tribute of Holiday good cheer. But things don’t always work out the way you want. Life is messy, not perfect and the little neat and tidy guilt free world you’ve created for yourself is fragile because it’s not real. It’s an illusion and can fall over and break into a bunch of little pieces at any moment. And then what have you got? A broken dream. A defective image.
For Brian and Justin, I want to start off with a couple of definitions:
Inspiration – The act or power of exercising an elevating or stimulating influence upon the intellect or emotions; the result of such influence which quickens or stimulates an act.
Perfection – A quality, endowment or acquirement completely excellent; an ideal faultlessness; especially, the divine attribute of complete excellence. The state of being without a flaw or defect.
We’ll get to the “inspiration” later but for “perfection”, I think you could put a picture of Brian Kinney next to the definition and get a feel for what it is that makes Brian’s mind work. I’ve often thought about his views of himself and at first you want to say how presumptuous that he would think he, himself, is perfect. But I don’t think Brian just grew up thinking that. In fact, I think he probably grew up with the exact opposite image in his mind because it was drilled into his head by his father and possibly his mother as well.
“You worthless piece of shit,” is what I imagined being said over and over. And quite possibly this could be why what Deb said to him in 406 bothered me so much. It was too close to what I had envisioned in my own mind, Jack and Joanie saying… so hearing Deb put a voice to that imaginary history, was just shocking for me.
Outside of the house though, Brian had people telling him how beautiful he was, most assuredly Michael. So to him, his beauty was all he had. When this worthless piece of shit Brian Kinney got out of the house, went away to college and entered the club scene, he found that he could use his looks to get him places. Get him accepted. To these men that found him attractive, he wasn’t a worthless piece of shit so he capitalized on it. Worked on it, to perfect his perfection. He did anything and everything to take advantage of the one thing that held him above the rest. Made him special.
Practiced safe sex to preserve his disease-free status, worked out constantly to maintain his body, monitored his diet and made rules for himself – no carbs past seven, hold the mayo, drink guava juice all to maintain his health, used expensive toiletries to maintain the perfect hair and flawless skin. He packaged himself and worked at it. His image was something that no one could take away from him. It was his; he controlled it. But his image was all just an illusion. Wasn’t it? He is more than that in reality, he just doesn’t know it.
Quite possibly this realization of “packaging” is what not only brought about his arrogance but his interest in advertising. If he could package himself to where everyone wanted him, then he could sell anything to anybody. I believe this is why his looks, his perfect body, his image are all so important to him. Without them, he’s still that worthless piece of shit. He doesn’t see himself as having any other attributes that make him special. Brian Kinney, the image, is without flaws. Without defects.
I am admitting freely that I may not be very popular after this recap but I have to take that chance because I only write down what I see and well, what I saw in this episode isn’t a pretty picture of perfection. It’s ugly. So ugly that they didn’t just come right out and say it. I mean, Brian told us what he was thinking and what he was going to do, but we’ve come so accustomed to his bullshit mantras that we didn’t believe it. At least I didn’t at first and if the conversations I’ve had with my friends are any indication of public opinion, then I would say others didn’t believe it either and still don’t. Well, you need to listen to what Brian is saying because it’s true.
You know how I am about the symbolism on this show. It’s the symbolism that proves that Brian isn’t bullshitting this time. And it’s the symbolism that proves it was Justin who inspired the change of heart.
Doctor’s Office
After three hours of pacing and about half a pack of cigarettes, I finally decide I can’t put it off any longer. That whole “if I don’t watch it, then it won’t happen” theory from 406 had control of me again. It didn’t work that time so I should’ve known it wouldn’t work this time. But damn, I tried.
Episode opens with a colorful image, moving and grooving to a really awesome song. The image changes into the dancing guys at Babylon then changes back. As much as I like the song, it’s a little unsettling to have this thing swishing and swaying to it. This image is not friendly and I don’t really like it having such a good time. You know what I mean? As the camera pulls away, it becomes clear what it is. It’s an ultrasound scan of testicles with an ominous lump attached to one of them. Ugh. Not friendly and obviously Brian’s. Can I just say… I hurt already?
Doctor: I suspect it’s a remove seminoma. A testicular cancer quite common in men your age. However, we can’t be sure until we perform a biopsy.
Brian: How do you do that?
D: Well, first we’d have to remove the testicle.
B: That’s what I was afraid you were gonna say.
This whole conversation is very typical Brian… humor at times of discomfort. But I’m really having a hard time laughing with him. I’m just pained as I’m sure Brian is underneath as well. He really is afraid that’s what the doctor was gonna say. His greatest fear. A flaw.
B: And if I don’t have cancer, then… you put it back in?
D: Unfortunately, no.
B: I was afraid you were gonna say that, too.
This part is a tad interesting because I found a passage on the internet about these biopsies that kind of backs up Brian’s question. He’s not too far off. While it’s true that they can’t put it back in once it’s removed, it’s not true that they have to remove it just to find out. At least not in all cases. Here’s what I found…
“With the patient under a general anesthetic, a surgeon called a urologist will look at the testicle through an incision in the groin. A small tissue sample is removed, a biopsy, looked at under a microscope to confirm as to whether it is cancer or not. If it is confirmed to be cancer, then the testicle is removed.”
So I guess they decided to leave out this little bit of information. It wouldn’t have mattered too much, but it would have given Brian a little bit of hope. Of course, then we wouldn’t have had the drama and everyone would have just screamed that Mr. Teflon got away with something again and how unrealistic it was and how so very “typical Cow/Lip”… neat and tidy clean up job. So instead we have to make Brian suffer through this and make him face the fact that the defect will happen, with no hope for any other outcome. This is what creates his decision… having no hope for a different outcome. So okay, this was dramatic license with medical information that I guess I can live with to move the story along in the direction they need it to.
I was rather shocked to learn that this is most common in men between the ages of 20 and 34. I certainly wasn’t aware of that fact at all. I thought it would have been older like breast cancer is for women. Gee, last week I had said that one of the reasons Justin wasn’t the one who found the lump was because he was 19 and just wouldn’t be thinking about those things. I still believe that but dang, 20-34? He better start thinking about it. Another life lesson he’s learning from Brian. Anywhoo… wake up call for Justin.
D: However, the good news is that the procedure is relatively simple. As for the other testi, it will still be completely functional and neither your sexual performance nor your fertility will be affected.
B: That is good news. I’ll be a one-balled wonder.
D: No, no, no. We give you a prosthetic replacement.
The flaw again. It’s interesting that even in the beginning stages, Brian is focusing in on the flaw and not the fact that he may have cancer. And even when the doctor gets the box of fake testicles, Brian is not impressed.
D: Here, help yourself.
B: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.
Brian turns his head away from the box unable to even look at them. They are like a plague to him. Fake. He just can’t face them and doesn’t feel like having one.
D: It will look and feel completely natural. Of course, we try to match your original testicle as closely as possible.
B: Not too big, not too small, just right.
The doctor said something here that catches Brian attention and gives him a way out. “It will look and feel completely natural.” Ah, an illusion, just like a carefully crafted advertising campaign. Maybe he could deal with that. Brian turns back and picks up one of the implants. But see, the illusion is for everyone else. He would still know. Being perfect is the only thing he’s come to believe about himself. Could he live with the knowledge that he’s really not, especially now that it’s the no-bullshit era of advertising?
B: So, what are my chances?
D: With surgery and follow-up procedure… 99 percent. Not bad.
B: And without surgery?
D: The cancer will spread through your body. It will invade your vital organs and you will die.
At this point I’d be asking for the next available appointment, but not Brian. He’s actually sitting there, weighing his options. His two options… live or die. Not a tough choice for most. But to choose to live, he’d be choosing to live with a defect if he has the surgery. And Brian Kinney doesn’t do defects… he’s perfect. To choose to live without the surgery then he gets to remain perfect, both balls intact, but he’ll get sick and linger and become old and diseased. So to Brian Kinney, choosing life doesn’t seem so appealing and isn’t quite the viable option that most people would think it is. That leaves just one option then.
Is that fucked up? You bet it is. But it’s Brian. Welcome to his mind…
How do you react when you find out that, beyond your control, something has attached itself to you? You did everything right to stay perfect but yet, this thing still happened and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s destroying you and you can’t stop it. It’s winning. You’re now a control freak, who doesn’t like to lose, who has to always be on top; who is losing and has lost control of his own body. What do you do? The only thing you can do… find a way to stop it, to win, to get the control back.
And how do you react when you find out that the one thing, the only thing, that you have going for you is now flawed? Defective. Broken. The only thing you can do… throw it in the garbage, because broken… it’s merely a worthless piece of shit.
Cemetery
At the cemetery for Vic’s funeral, there’s a few things that I want to mention. First Michael’s eulogy:
M: Uncle Vic was the first person I ever told I was gay. He laughed and said, “Thank God, now your grandmother will have someone else’s soul to pray for.” That’s how he was… never unsentimental, unlike me. Always facing adversity with a smile and a cynical remark. I’m sure if he saw us here today, he’d say, “What the hell are ya wasting your time on a dead man for? Go get laid!” So I just want to say thank you Uncle Vic, for everything you’ve taught me. You were a brave man. A good man. Which is all we can ever hope to be.
During part of Michael’s eulogy they pan to Brian, his words seem to mirror Brian and his face twists and contorts as Michael speaks. “Never unsentimental.” Brian. “Always facing adversity with a smile and a cynical remark.” Brian. And the part about why waste time on a dead man, go get laid… Brian. In a nut… shell. Oops, sorry. So I would say that this eulogy was carefully crafted to not only pay tribute to Vic but to speak to Brian as well. “A brave man. A good man.” I guess we’ll find out soon enough just how brave Brian is.
Everyone files out. Brian walks with Jennifer and Justin. Ahhh, just warms my little heart. Anyway…
B: All I’m sayin’ is, it’s better to go out when you’re young in a blaze of glory then to end up some diseased old queen.
J: You might feel differently if it were you.
Jen: Well at least he didn’t get sick and linger. That’s the worst.
B: And in such poor taste. Buy a one-way ticket to Ibiza, party ‘til you drop and then discreetly disappear.
Make note of this whole conversation. Listen to Brian’s words and watch his face as it plays out. When Justin says his line, Brian grimaces. It IS him and he doesn’t feel any differently. He speaks the truth here. Then Jennifer, and Brian agrees with her. Getting sick and lingering is the worst and in such poor taste. And we all know… Brian Kinney has impeccable taste.
And then the kicker… Brian tells us what he would do if he were in that situation. If? He IS in that situation. Watch his face as he finishes the words… he pauses, thinks then nods to himself as if to say, “Yeah, that’s it.” There’s Brian’s resolution. He speaks it. Bullshit mantra or cold hard reality?
Jennifer goes back to Deb’s house along with the rest of the gang. Brian, still the unwelcome shit-head, does not. And in support of his partner, neither does Justin.
Brian’s Loft
This is one of those scenes that can absolutely drive you crazy. And one of those scenes that I love but hate. It’s so sweet, so loving, yet filled with angst and sadness. From Justin’s point of view, I’m positively giddy. From Brian’s, I’m crushed.
Brian and Justin are sitting on the floor eating or I should say feeding each other at the coffee table. How sweet is that? I love the little nip to the nose with the chopsticks. Playful and fun. I always say… it’s the little things.
It is interesting that pieces of furniture are slowly coming back into the loft. The naked guy painting, the dining room table and chairs, the coffee table, the big screen television… but still no sofa. In fact I like that the sofa is still missing. Most people would have bought that first, but not Brian. Again, doing the unconventional. But I mostly like it because that puts Brian and Justin on the floor where Justin likes it and puts them on top of the big pillows where I like it. Hee!
But regardless of all that, the image of Brian coming around to enjoy a makeshift floor picnic after all this time is just to die for. Ugh, did I just say that? Anyway… give us a wonderfully romantic image, throw in some sexy dialogue then stab us in the heart. The thing I love but hate.
They top off their dinner by opening their fortune cookies.
B: A surprise awaits you. What’s yours say?
He’s already had his surprise, please don’t tell me there’s another one. **sigh** But part of me wants to say that maybe Brian opened Justin’s. We all know a surprise awaits him.
J: The man you love will slowly and sensually peel off all his clothes for you, exposing his perfect body.
Justin twists around putting his head in Brian’s lap. His words twist the knife in our hearts.
J: Then he will take out his bee-u-tiful dick.
Brian leans over and kisses him. It’s so sweet and so painful, I just want to cry. Justin has no idea his loving words are solidifying Brian’s worst fears. Justin thinks he’s perfect and beautiful. Now normally, to have your partner think that about you would be a good thing. To Brian… it’s bad, very bad.
J: Then you can suck it.
B: This is one long fortune.
J: There’s more.
B: Oh?
Oh? I don’t know that I can take much more. It’s so confusing to watch. It’s hot and sexy but sad and just guh. Justin twists around again pushing Brian down onto the big pillows. He scoots his body up next to him and hovers above him as he talks and continues to place light feathery kisses all over Brian’s face. Not to break the spell that this scene is creating, but dang, I wish he wasn’t chewing.
J: Next, he’ll rim your ass to get you crazy, then ram his cock… up you, and fuck you so hard you pass out.
Oh double guh. I hope we get dialogue like this when there’s no drama to take away just how sexy it is. Brian reacts to it the same way I would. He lifts up, kisses/attacks Justin’s neck like he just can’t help himself, forgetting all about his troubles for the time being. Justin has inspired him with his words and stimulated an act. Brian’s caught up in the moment. That’s some powerful inspiration Justin has there.
B: In bed.
J: Hmm?
B: You’re supposed to add ‘in bed’ to the end of every fortune.
J: I was thinking… on the floor.
B: Okay.
Gee, don’t you love the way Justin said ‘on the floor’? So if you add ‘in bed’ to Brian’s fortune about the surprise… is that foreshadowing? I thought the doctor said his sexual performance wouldn’t be hindered in any way. But I guess that’s for normal people and Brian is anything but normal. Oh no! Please don’t be foreshadowing. Just this once.
Anyway… Justin starts to ease his hand down Brian’s pants. Brian arches, gasps, still lost in the moment, succumbing to Justin’s seduction, forgetting everything. Me too! For the moment.
Justin’s hand pushes further inside, reaching… presumably for that bee-u-tiful… well, you know… and all the memories flood back into Brian’s mind. He can’t let Justin go there. He’ll feel it, he’ll know about the flaw and then he’ll know that the man he loves can no longer expose his perfect body to him because the body is no longer perfect. He has to stop this… and quick! He grabs his hand, pulls it out and bolts upright. Justin is startled.
J: What?
B: Nothing.
It must be something, right? Think fast…
B: Your hands are cold.
J: I’ll warm them up.
B: It’s okay. I’m kinda tired.
And with a yawn, Brian grabs the trash and gets up. Justin is dumbfounded. Brian Kinney resisting his charm? Brian Kinney turning down sex? Did he forget to use his sexy blink?
Of course we know that Justin wouldn’t have felt it because he hadn’t already. This is another sign that this situation is messing with Brian’s mind in the performance department.
Oh, I just want to cry. They have once again, brilliantly used sex to tell their story and let us know where their heads are. I just ache.
Because of this wonderfully romantic scene… because of Justin’s loving and sexy words and roving hand… it’s clear to Brian now what he has to do. If Justin can’t touch him… if Brian can’t do to him all the things that Justin described… then there’s only one answer. He has to start working on his plan… and soon.
Brian’s Loft
To start the plan in motion, Brian needs to connect to all that mean something to him. First up… Gus and Lindsay. How many times have fans complained that there weren’t any Brian/Gus scenes in season three? Well, he’s not father of the year and as much as we may wish otherwise, we have to leave all that to fanfic. Does he care about Gus? Absolutely. I just believe he’s afraid he’ll mess him up… that he has too much Jack in him to do a good job being a father. So just like when he signed over his rights and gave him up because he loved him, he’ll keep his distance as to not make a mistake.
B: Does no one respect privacy anymore? Is it all but a forgotten right?
L: Gus has been saying Dada all day.
B: So he’s developed a sudden interest in German surrealism.
L: I think he means you. Try to be amusing. He’s been an enfant terrible all day.
Brian does feel the need to explain things to Gus. Like Justin, he wants Gus to understand the cold, hard realities of life. It’s messy and doesn’t always turn out like you planned it to. He takes Gus from Lindsay and goes to sit down in front of the TV.
B: Uh. What’s that? Wanna watch that?
Brian’s watching a James Dean movie and just like his old man, Gus seems instantly drawn to the brooding actor. Do you think he senses the connection? That’s just too freaky… even for me. But the hat thing… totally adorable. Boop!
B: See the pretty boy, Gus? He not only knew how to live, he also knew how to die. Instead of watching himself get old and gross, seeing himself gradually decompose… no diapers revisited… he went out in a blaze of glory… both balls intact.
And once again, for the second time now, Brian reveals his plan. And make no mistake about it… it’s a plan. Not a thought.
L: Isn’t he a little young for James Dean?
B: You don’t want him watching Teletubbies, do you? It might make him gay.
L: You know, in your own weird, subversive way, you’re not a bad father.
B: I prefer to see myself as the anti-dad.
L: Well, whatever you are, if you’d like to spend more time with him, all you have to do is ask.
B: I think I’ll stick to my unaccredited cameo appearances.
L: You know, one day in the not-too-distant future, we’ll be watching him graduate from school. Then I imagine he’ll meet a lovely young girl, or boy, get married maybe, have grandchildren maybe…
B: You really know how to kill a moment, don’t you?
Right Lindsay. Remind Brian about all those wonderful things he’s gonna miss as an anti-dad.
L: Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be the hottest, handsomest anti-grandpa ever.
Ummm, no he won’t. He’s going out in a blaze of glory with both balls intact. No diapers revisited for Brian. Instead, he’s got a better plan as the television announcer in the background is telling us.
TV Announcer: …Instead, he joined the pantheon of celebrities who will be remembered as being forever young and unspoiled by time.
That’s right… instead of being the handsomest anti-grandpa ever; he’ll be remembered as being forever young and unspoiled by time. It’s so damn sad. I don’t want Brian to want to go out in a blaze of glory. I want him to want to live. This is too much. Just too damn much.
Babylon / Brian’s Loft
Cruising over to Babylon we find, Poor Ted. I’m tired of saying that. So forget him, there are bigger problems like Justin’s fear of inadequacies. Not him too! Oh heavens!
J: He’s never turned me down before.
E: I have to admit, it doesn’t sound like the Brian Kinney we all know and feel ambivalent about!
I kind of remember a scene that ended abruptly with the words, “You stink,” and a brush off at that very bar back in 308… but okay, different set of circumstances entirely back then. This just hurts. I don’t like confidant Justin second quessing himself. He has so much power over Brian it’s not even funny. But I understand the hair comment. I’m with Emmett, I love the hair but Brian sure did love to play with it when it was longer so it makes sense for Justin to question that as a possible connection. It’s just so… sad.
J: Maybe I’m getting too old for him. Maybe it’s the hair.
E: I love the hair. And if you’re too old, the rest of us should be in assisted care.
J: Then what?
E: Maybe you’re in a slump. It happens in the best of non-relationships. Try spicing it up!
J: But there’s nothing and practically no one we haven’t done.
E: All it takes is a couple of new ingredients to perk up an old, familiar dish.
I almost hate to admit it, but if the reason for Brian’s rejection wasn’t what it was, this probably would have been good advice. The Brian without a lump would’ve definitely been pleased with Justin’s form of after-work relaxation. Of course the Brian without a lump wouldn’t have turned him down to begin with.
I also almost hate to admit that I love this interaction with Justin and Emmett. Tipsy Justin is always an entertaining treat and Emmett’s dialogue with his description of Brian, their “non-relationship”, and his recipe for spicing it up is just so Emmett. The Emmett that I adore. But just like the other delicious scenes in this episode, it’s too sad to really enjoy.
We see Brian come home, notice a commotion coming from the bedroom and open one of the glass panel doors to find two naked men. He’s shocked to say the least. Probably not an everyday occurrence even for Brian and Justin. Wasn’t that like a ‘date night’ thing or something? Dude #1, who’s not too impressive actually, sees Brian and says, “He IS hot!” As if Justin would lie. Hmpf! Dude #2, who is a tad better than Dude #1 agrees with his assessment. Cute little Justin then appears, poking his head out like, ‘Lookie what I got for you!’
J: Thought you might like a long, hard night after a long, hard day.
Justin has a big ole grin on his face. Hee! Brian is pleased with Justin’s tactics and smiles slightly as Justin leans over to kiss him sweetly. But at the same time, he’s mortified that he just can’t participate. He makes a hasty retreat.
B: Umm, I just remembered I left something at the office.
J: Brian?
And just like Lindsay, Justin has killed the moment for Brian by reminding him what he’s going to miss.
Justin is once again left dumbfounded by Brian’s rejection. Do you think he went through with it with the “dudes” or kicked them to the curb, the point of their interlude being lost? My money’s on the curb.
But there’s one good thing about this scene. It cements Justin’s confusion. It actually helps him with his reaction to the anger that Brian hurls at him later. It keeps him from taking it too personally because he’s smart and knows Brian well so I think he now knows something is terribly wrong with Brian. Something beyond his age and his shorter hair. This is big-time serious stuff… whatever it is.
At this point, you have to admit they really know how to work that knife. How to plunge it deep until you bleed then twist it until you’re in awful pain. This is the third scene in this episode that contains what would normally be considered a fangirl’s fantasy… what we’ve been begging for from this show. Brian and Justin schloopy romance, Brian and Gus bonding, and more of the funny dialogue among the guys just hanging out at Babylon. But these scenes, the ones that we’ve begged to see are given to us with dark undertones of Brian’s inner turmoil. It makes me want to say, “Be careful of what you wish for.” You know? I would give them all up gladly if Brian could keep his ball and didn’t have to go through this torment. But I guess you can never go back, can you?
So part of me is in praise mode of their brilliant capabilities of creating high drama and making me “feel” what is happening but the other part of me wants to join the masses and scream, “I hate you, Cow/Lip for what you’re doing to Brian!” But everyone knows I would never say it and really mean it. **sigh**
Brian’s Loft
Second connection… Michael. The scene is set-up as Michael’s need for his best friend Brian. He’s upset. Vic, his mom, Ben, Hunter. They are all making him nuts and his life is a mess. Understandably so and I kind of feel for what he must be going through. But it’s short-lived. He needs Brian to make him feel better. Of course he has no idea that Brian is the one in need right now. And what’s he in need of? A blowjob. It is Brian’s answer to solving life’s problems after all and well, you know, it’s obviously been a while since he’s had one.
B: You look like you could use a blowjob.
M: I’d settle for a joint. I suddenly feel a preponderance of death.
B: Wasn’t that a play by Arthur Miller?
M: It’s an unsettling observation by Michael Novotny. Everywhere I turn I’m confronted with the inevitable fact of one’s mortality.
B: Death can really hang you up the most.
The only thing about death that seems to have Brian hung up is all the things he’s gonna miss out on. Those things have to be plaguing his mind by now. But I think he’s still determined, it’s just getting harder. I think he thought the decision would be easier than it is.
M: I don’t mean just Vic. Ben and Hunter. It’s a horrible thing to say and I don’t even like to think it, but they could die, just like him, and I’d be the one left to pack up their stuff and turn out the lights.
This is where my compassion for Michael ends. There’s that me, me, me Michael that I was talking about. Forget thinking about the ones that lost their life, think about how hard it’s going to be on YOU to pack up their stuff and turn off the lights. Can I hate him now? And who the hell thinks about turning off lights when a loved one dies? I thought he’d seriously lost his marbles or the writers had run out of clever dialogue or something. But, I was wrong. Go back and listen to it again and try to ignore the selfish undertone of Michael’s words and just concentrate on the words themselves. Because this is the dialogue that they’ll use for the symbolism later. And again, it’s brilliant and so… Wow! Here it is again… “The one left to pack up their stuff and turn out the lights.”
B: Just because they’re positive doesn’t mean they’re gonna be the first to go. Hell, it could be you.
Or it could be him… he’s preparing Michael for the fact that he’ll be the first to go.
B: You could step out in the street… get hit by a Mercedes Kompressor. It’s so much classier than a bus.
M: Thanks.
B: Go down to the post office to buy a stamp, get blown away by a disgruntled postal worker. In case you haven’t noticed, these days they’re all disgruntled.
…or run off to Ibiza and party ’til you drop, never to be heard from again. Gee, all such creative ways to die. You think Brian’s been thinking about it much? Ugh. Michael grabs Brian and hugs him. Brian lets him but doesn’t really return the hug. He just kind of pats him lightly on the back before pulling away and walking over to the refrigerator to get a couple of beers.
M: I just get scared of the thought of being alone.
B: It’s how we all came in. It’s how we’re all going out.
M: Yeah, but until then, I’d prefer at least the illusion that someone else will be there, if only temporarily.
B: Think what you want, but the less you have to hold onto, the easier it is to let go.
This is just all sorts of wrong. Michael says “temporarily” in the same context that he’s talking about the possibility that Ben and Hunter will or could die soon. So is that not temporary? And if you flip it around that maybe he means someone to be with him until HE dies… then you have selfish Michael again. He wants to be the one to go first so HE won’t ever have to be alone. Well, damn. What a selfish asshole! Who would wish that on their partner? I don’t know, I’m just bugged by this conversation as far as Michael is concerned.
Now Brian on the other hand… his words are telling. Going out alone is his rationalization for his anger at Justin later. And it’s the reason he never did relationships to begin with. You get in too deep and it hurts more when they leave you. Remember 301-302 Brian? Big time pain. And you just know he’s thinking about that now. Another reason he doesn’t want to live imperfect or diseased. It will hurt too much when Justin leaves him for someone not sick or who has two balls. He’s wrong of course, Justin wouldn’t leave, but he doesn’t seem to know that and the fact that Justin just reminded him of his “perfect” body doesn’t help the situation.
M: Maybe so, but still I’m glad I have you.
B: Who said anything about me?
Brian is sitting at the bar. Michael comes up behind him, wraps his arms around him and rests his chin on Brian’s shoulder.
M: Well, it’s nice to know that no matter what happens, we’ll always have each other. We always have. Right?
Brian doesn’t answer. For the first time in these “Brian/Michael forever” scenes, Brian doesn’t respond with his standard, “Always will.” Why? Because he can’t say that anymore, it would be a lie and Brian is all about honesty now. When Michael kissed Brian’s neck, he was clearly pained by it... it was to be the last. Like I said before… I don’t think Brian thought this would be so hard.
Kinnetik
Back over at Kinnetik, Brian is putting the final touches on his plan. Cynthia finds a note on her desk and barges into Brian’s office. She is mad as hell. As she yells at him and he quips back at her, pay attention to what he’s doing… he’s packing. Guess he didn’t want anyone else to be left with that task. Ugh. But it’s symbolism #1 to Michael’s words. “The one left to pack up their stuff...”
C: I can’t believe you’re taking off!
B: Flight 18. Barcelona and Madrid. Care to help me practice my Spanish? ¿Como esta usted?
C: I’m fine, thank you. But you must be demented!
B: It’s one of those spontaneous sort of things.
C: And how are we supposed to spontaneously sort of cover for you while you’re tanning your ass? You have meetings with Remson, Brown, Eyeconics…
B: They can wait. They can all wait until I get back.
C: And when are you coming back?
B: I’ll let you know.
‘I’m not’ would be the more appropriate answer.
C: I have worked for you for five years and I’ve never known you to just take off. So why now? When you just opened up your own firm and you just suddenly decide…
Clue #1 that yes, he is demented. Something is terribly wrong. Someone do something!
B: Well, that’s the point of being your own boss, isn’t it? Make your own hours, come and go as you please, not answer to anyone…
J: Almost anyone.
B: The ball and chain.
Whoops, perfect timing. Not! When did Justin turn into Ted? Okay, first glance and you think, WTF? He hasn’t talk to or about Justin that way in a long time. Certainly not this season. Clue #2 that he’s not himself. The more I thought about that line and the more times I watched it, it occurred to me that it’s part of the plan. He has to push Justin off that cliff. And how would Brian do that? Start freaking out about the stifling effects of the relationship. Justin would buy that and more than likely back off to give Brian some space. So he’s psyching himself up just like Justin did in 405 when he stared at the paper target. He has to turn himself back into the tough as nails Brian that broke little Justin’s heart and made him cry in 102.
At least he has the decency to do it in private. It would be unforgivable to do it with an audience.
B: Cynthia, would you excuse us?
C: Be sure to eat lots of fresh fruit and drink lots of tap water.
Heee! Good one for Cynthia. But can you blame her? She left Vangard for this shit? But the irony of the comment is, he’s going to go die anyway, so what difference would it make if he did eat the fruit and drink the water? Except maybe I doubt he wants to go out with a bad case of diarrhea.
J: Where are you going?
B: Ibiza. I’m leaving tonight.
J: Without me?
B: You’re going back to school, remember? It would be highly irresponsible of me to just pull you out.
J: Fuck school. Fuck the bet. And fuck you. I mean, we were supposed to go together.
Umm, wrong thing to say… You just gave Brian the ammunition he needed to carry out his plan. He explodes.
B: We’re not fucking married! And I don’t need to get your fucking permission if I want to go somewhere!
He stomps out of the office, dramatic exit in place… Justin is dumbfounded. Again! But you can tell, Justin doesn’t seem hurt, just surprised. Jaw dropped, eyes wide.
After a minute or two, Brian walks back in. He’s not angry anymore. He has come to realize that he just can’t go through with it. Not like this anyway. He knows Justin will blame himself and he just can’t leave him thinking that. And what does Justin do as soon as he sees Brian is calm enough to talk to? He backs down.
J: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. We have no obligation to tell each other anything.
Of course, Brian shakes his head no but he just can’t say the words. This is so much harder than he thought it would be.
J: Look, if I did something or said something to piss you off, I didn’t mean to.
B: It’s not you.
Just like Brian knew he would, Justin takes the blame and thinks he did something wrong. I just hate that, I really do. Both of them are still so insecure in the relationship. We saw all these signs of firm togetherness but Justin instantly thinking he did something wrong and Brian thinking that Justin wouldn’t want him if he wasn’t perfect can only mean one thing… it’s been an illusion all along. I’m not saying they don’t love each other, it is very clear that they do. But the insecurities need to be dealt with to move the relationship along.
Brian eases his mind by at least telling him it’s not him but it doesn’t help ease his heart. Justin knows something is terribly wrong. He seems scared. Brian pulls him closer and hugs him. Justin kisses his neck and begs him to tell him…
J: What is it? Then what?
Brian looks like he’s about to cry, he pulls away and shrugs with a Kinney smirk. Obviously completely unable to say anything. So hard to do it.
J: Okay… you go do whatever you have to do…for whatever reason you have to do it.
‘Go away and die because I just can’t live with an imperfection and I don’t want to be a diseased old queen.’
J: I just want you to know that I love you.
Brian stops packing his stuff and looks up at Justin. He is clearly pained. He probably didn’t count on that happening at all and wishes that Justin hadn’t said it.
And we can’t forget to squee here… Holy Cow!! We weren’t expecting that either. It’s been alluded to numerous times and said in passing like during the floor picnic earlier but this is the FIRST TIME it’s said outright. Again, a thing we’ve been begging for and they hand it to us in a moment filled with angst. Damn them! Can I take a moment to absorb it? Justin said I LOVE YOU. OMG! Knock me over with a feather. I’m happy but because of the situation, it actually pains me as much as it does Brian. Okay, squeeing over.
J: And I’ll be here when you get back.
Gee, wasn’t counting on that one either. This is Justin easing Brian’s mind. Unlike the season 2 Vermont fiasco when Brian suddenly, at the last minute changed their ‘together’ travel plans to go off by himself, Justin tells him he won’t leave this time. He’ll wait; he’ll be there when he gets back. You remember the look on Brian’s face when he got back from Chicago to learn that Justin left. He was hurt. I’ve always been of the mind that that episode was the beginning of the break down. Justin left. Brian hurt and became distant. And well, you know what happened after that. But if that was the catalyst to the break down last time then this statement would mean something to Brian. The words shot right through him… pained and still fighting back the urge to cry, Brian smiles and only nods in response.
To Brian it was the worst thing that Justin could have said. It only made his decision harder. For us and for Brian and Justin, it was the most perfect thing. Those words were inspiration and got Brian’s mind spinning backwards.
I know Brian is weak now, he’s on the precipice, teetering, he just needs another little nudge… I’m screaming at Justin, “Kiss him, kiss him!” But he doesn’t. He leaves and I cry. Luckily for everyone involved the words were enough and he left completely unaware that he’d just saved Brian’s life…
Now that Justin is gone, Brian can relax. It was harder than he thought, but he got through it. Symbolism #2 to Michael’s words coming up… and I’ve been told I’m nuts… but I don’t think so. “…and turn out the lights.”
Lamp #1… Gus. He’ll miss seeing him grow up. He’ll miss his high school graduation. He’ll miss it when he finds his true love… girl or boy. He’ll miss being the hottest, handsomest anti-grandpa. Gus needs him to be around for all those things and it does plague his mind. But Gus has two parents that do love him very much and he’ll be okay. Brian says goodbye and turns out Gus’ lamp.
Lamp #2… Michael. He’ll miss being there when Michael needs him. He’ll miss not being able to hold him up when Ben and Hunter die… or Deb for that matter. He’ll miss just sitting around and talking and getting stoned. Michael needs him to be around for all those things and it does pain him to walk away from that. But Michael does have Ben and Hunter and Deb to lean on. He’s also got Emmett and Ted so he’ll be okay. Brian says goodbye and turns out Michael’s lamp.
Lamp #3… Justin. He’ll miss floor picnics and fortune cookies and silly bets and “date night” and sex and hearing Justin tell him that he loves him and that he’ll be there. He’ll miss so much. Justin needs him to be around for all those things but Brian needs Justin even more. Brian touches the final lamp then remembers what Justin said… he would wait for him. The little twat got under the radar again and said he would wait for him. And Brian knows… Justin, the tenacious stalker who won’t take no for an answer would do just that or better yet, probably come searching for him. He tried but he can’t do it. The love from Justin and the love he has for Justin has inspired him to want to live. He picks up Justin’s lamp and smashes to the ground… unable to say goodbye.
Love… it’s the shits, ain’t it?
John’s Hopkins Hospital
Brian lying on an operating table with an oxygen mask on. We have our answer. Justin’s inspiration made Brian change his plans. He chose life… an imperfect life. I had to contain myself from jumping up and down and clapping my hands. Yeah, I know… total dork. But seeing Brian like this… I cry again.
Doctor: Okay, Mr. Kinney. Relax and count backwards from ten.
B: Ten… nine… eight…
Brian starts to get groggy and the camera pans to the bright light overhead then fades to black. He may be less one ball after, but he’ll be alive and well, that’s good enough for me.
It may not be the popular thing but I strongly believe until he smashed that lamp, he never intended on coming back and that’s a tough thing to swallow for us Brian lovers. He’s not strong and he’s not perfect. As much as we’d like to fantasize that he is, he’s just not. It’s an ugly truth, but it’s there.
If you’re still not convinced that his plan was to never return, you have to think back to 122. He wasn’t attempting to commit suicide then, but he was willing to accept it if it happened in order to get that ultimate orgasm. That’s very important. He was willing to accept it. That’s the same thing here. He doesn’t really want to die, but he’s willing to accept it as the only way to deal with his fear. Imperfection. He’ll be without a ball. Old. He’s attributing cancer to being something that happens to old people so he’s not feeling very young right now. Beauty. The doctor said, the cancer will spread throughout his body and invade his vital organs. He’ll become weak and diseased.
Sometimes I wonder if hanging out with Justin was what helped facilitate his disconnection to his age and the reality of it. With Justin, he was able to forget that ugly fact. And live in the illusion that he was still young, like Justin. But that illusion was shattered with this diagnosis.
He’s realized in his despair that back then Michael had lied to him. “You will always be young and you will always be beautiful. You’re Brian Kinney, for fuck’s sake!” Well in order to make that happen – to always be young, to always be beautiful, to allow the Brian Kinney image/illusion of perfection to carry on – this was the only thing he could do.
And if there’s anyone out there that still doubts the power that Justin, or actually the power that Justin’s love has over Brian, you have to watch that ending scene again. It was sheer inspiration… The act or power of exercising an elevating or stimulating influence upon the intellect or emotions; the result of such influence which quickens or stimulates an act.
And what about another thing that Justin could have done to inspire Brian. This situation is similar to what he said about Justin in 405. “Then at least he’ll know that he stood up. Fought back. That he didn’t run away.” Isn’t Brian lying on that operating table and choosing to live with an imperfection the same thing as Justin showing up at Hobbs’ house? Brian facing his Hobbs, his inner demon, his fear.
I heard a line today in the preview for the movie “Alexander” that I thought was rather appropriate…
“Conquer your fears and you shall conquer death.”
And that’s what Brian did. He’s “a brave man.”
I’m emotionally exhausted from this episode and I’m glad it’s over. But I have this sinking feeling that the drama is far from over. The decision was one thing but how Brian lives with the decision is something entirely different. This is a hard thing to deal with for any man but when you add all the delusional complexities that make up Brian Kinney, it’s compounded tenfold. I’m preparing for the worst.
