I Know Bullshit When I Hear It
“Ahhh, I’d love to, honey. Nothing beats a quiet evening at home with my man,” I tease.
He snaps me with his towel and moves ahead of me. “We aren’t at home, remember?”
“Oh, you’re right. So this will be like a real date then. Dinner and a movie. You’re so romantic.”
He shoots me a glare over his shoulder so I continue. “And if you play your cards right, stud, I might let you kiss me.”
He stops abruptly and because I’m toweling my wet hair and not paying attention to where I’m going, I bump right into him. He turns around, looks down at me and puts his fingers under my chin to lift my face and make me look at him. “And if you’re lucky, I might let you fuck me.” He kisses my nose then covers my face with his hand and pushes me away.
I hate it when he does that. “Maybe I won’t want to,” I say, but have no idea why.
He snorts. Of course he does, I almost snorted myself. It was a stupid thing to say. “When have you ever not wanted to?” And that’s the exact reason why it was a stupid thing to say.
I close one eye, pretending to think of a time, but I know he knows damn well, there isn’t one so I have only one retort… “Well, there’s a first time for everything.” I scrunch up my face in disbelief as to where this lame ass conversation has gone.
He snorts again. “Not likely.” He’s so smug. And I stand there defeated, a look of sadness on my face, and again, I have no idea why. He did just say he wants me to fuck him… and I’m feeling defeated? He walks back to me and puts his arm around my shoulders to pull me with him up the stairs. “Come on, I’ll call for dinner, you pick out a movie.”
“Porn?” I ask getting excited.
We reach the top of the stairs and he pushes me towards the bedroom as he says, “As a prelude to kissing and amazingly hot sex? I would think so.”
I turn around to pop him with my towel as he heads to the phone. “Get dessert,” I demand.
“I’ll get you one.”
“Fine. I’ll share,” I say rolling my eyes at him. It’s so ridiculous. He knows damn well that he’s going to eat half of mine. He never orders one for himself like he’s doing such a great job sticking to his diet of low fat and carbs. Does he not understand, what counts is not eating that kind of food, not being dedicated enough to not order it? But I let it go, because it’s actually one of the things that I love about him – his internal conflict. Saying one thing and acting on another.
Most people just listen to what he says and that’s why they think he’s an asshole. He says some very asshole-y things. But it’s not what he says; it’s what he does. It amazes me that the people that supposedly know him best; don’t see this. I saw it the very first night we were together and that’s why I still hang around. I may have forgotten how to read him for a while, but I remember now. Besides, when he eats half my dessert, he lets me feed it to him, and believe me… sticking things in his mouth is always a good thing.
I go to the movie cabinet to pick out which one of the three Jeff Stryker movies we’re going to watch. It still makes me laugh that all that Mr. Martin stocked up on was Jeff Stryker movies. Like he’s the only guy that makes gay porn. I mean, the guy is a hottie, that’s for sure, and he does have a beautiful cock. But still… I can’t help but think Brian’s is better so it doesn’t really matter to me which one I pick out. Watching any dick slide in and out of any guy’s mouth or ass would be hot – it’s all just background noise for us – we don’t need porn to get in the mood. We’re always in the mood.
But I guess I should just be glad that he tried to stock the room with something for us… it beats having to watch straight porn and it shows that he was serious when he said he would make accommodations for same sex couples, and it also confirms that he was right about needing Brian’s guidance in what is needed. Add ‘better porn selection’ to the list… right below ‘non-breeder condoms’. I giggle to myself.
So Jeff Stryker… let’s see… Powertool, hailed as The Best Gay Video of all time; Hard Time, prison flick, whatever; and Busted, another prison movie. What is it about gay porn and prison scenes? Like the only hot guys that are having really hot sex are in prison? Puh-lease. I reach for Powertool, but my eyes wander over to the regular movies. Maybe we’ll watch Jeff’s tool later, during dessert, and watch something else during dinner.
I drag my fingers over the sides of the boxes and one catches my eye.
I pull it out and chuckle. It’s perfect. I put the DVD into the player and cue it up to the main menu. I grab a pair of boxers and a t-shirt then put them on. I get some sweats out for Brian and take them to him. If we’re to watch a movie and eat some dinner, we need to be dressed or we won’t make it past the opening credits.
After the food’s delivered, we settle on the waterbed, careful not to tip the trays over. We prop the pillows up and I start the movie. As soon as the titles flicker across the screen Brian turns to me with an arched eyebrow, waiting for an explanation.
“It’s supposed to be really funny and besides, he’s sooo hot,” I tell him, leaning over next to him to kiss his cheek.
“Uh huh,” is all he says.
I know why he’s doubting my motive, and even though I did pick it for the reasons I told him, I have other reasons as well…just not what he’s thinking. He thinks it’s a hint about us getting married and it’s not. Not at all. Honest.
It is a comedy and Daphne did tell me that it was very funny, that’s all true. But it’s also going to be funny because it will torture Brian. I’ll get to watch him squirm, trying to deal with what he thinks I’m thinking.
And it’s true that the guy’s hot, but the reason I think he’s hot is because he looks almost like Brian did ten years ago. I’ve seen pictures of him when he was my age and this Ashton Kutcher guy could have been his twin. Brian has aged well though, and I would take him at 31 over that Ashton guy at 21 any day of the week… it’s not even a contest. But Daphne told Brian about the resemblance once and he didn’t like it. Not one bit. Which means… more torture. I may have an evil side.
So the fact that this movie stars him, is called Just Married, and we’re watching it while in a honeymoon suite, well, that’s just too perfect to pass up.
He gets over being perturbed at me and we eat and we watch and we laugh. I’m pleasantly surprised that Brian’s giving it a chance. And I start to think that my evil plan to irritate him has been foiled. But that’s fine with me. It’s nice to just relax, watch a movie, and have dinner with Brian without all the stress of him having to maintain his guard.
About halfway through the movie, the comedic hijinx fade when the newly, married couple splits up. It’s at this point that Brian speaks for the first time since the movie started. “You see?” he asks, motioning with his hand toward the screen. “They never should’ve gotten married. It ruined everything. They were fine before. They didn’t need it.”
I put my fork down and look at him. All this time I had thought he was against all the committed, marriage, ‘til death do us part stuff because we’re gay, but yet he makes this comment about a straight couple, so now I’m thinking his issue isn’t because we’re men or because we’re gay; he has a problem with the whole idea, period. For everyone. That seems so different to me. I was in agreement with him before and his stance on marriage, it’s not for us. But I do believe it is for the majority of people. I believe in marriage; I just don’t believe that marriage is right for us. Somehow, Brian not believing in it at all; bugs me.
He looks at me and knows by the befuddled look on my face that I am blown away. I have to ask.
“You don’t believe in marriage at all?”
“No, it’s ridiculous. Aren’t you watching this?” he asks me. He seems so angry… at the movie… at something.
“Yeah, I’m watching it. But this a comedy, Brian. It’s not supposed to represent a real look at marriages.”
He doesn’t give up. “Justin, you’re missing the point of the movie. They, themselves didn’t need to get married to know how they felt about each other. It was the outside world pressuring them to do it. So they did and everything got fucked up. You have to live the way you want. You can’t let society or in the case of this movie, your family put their beliefs on you.”
Okay, I see where he’s going with this, but… “But, they did want to, Brian. It’s not like anyone had a gun to their heads.”
“They wanted to because everyone else made them believe it’s what they were supposed to do. Just like advertising. Someone sold them something they had no use for and before they realized it, the check was cashed and the return policy had expired. They were stuck.”
Gee, I hate it when he makes everything about advertising. I guess that’s why he’s so good at it… he can sell anything, and can spot someone else’s sales job a mile away. I’ve had to learn how to talk around that so that the bill of goods I’m trying to sell to him get through. Remember my new Rage character, Razorback? Yeah, I thought that one was pretty good. And he heard me, so I guess that proves it was. But out of habit, I have to argue… “Yeah but…”
Of course, he cuts me off. He’s getting frustrated. “But nothing, Justin. He loved her, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And she loved him?”
“Yeah, but…” I’m still wanting to argue and I have no idea why other than the fact that I can’t seem to think of anything remotely intelligent to say right now.
“And they both knew it, right?”
“Yeah, so?” I’m obviously giving up this fight. He’s adamant and I do agree with him. But to end it on the lame ass ‘so’ retort? … I’m so pathetic.
“So? That’s what proves my point. That was all that was needed. That they both knew that they loved each other. I don’t need a piece of paper or a piece of jewelry or the permission of the government or the grace of some God almighty to tell me how I feel.”
“But it’s a promise, a pledge…” I say weakly in my attempt to refute. I have no idea what else to say or why I should. I do know Brian loves me and he does know I love him. No piece of paper or verbal declaration would change that or make it any clearer. It’s evident in everything we do. There’s no mistaking how we feel any longer. That’s why it’s not important to us. It’s just weird that we’ve never really talked about it… not in a serious manner anyway.
“No, it’s symbolism and words.” He picks up his tray and places it on the nightstand. I look down at my plate, pick up my fork and push the food around thinking. When he turns back, I hand him mine. He takes it and says, “It’s all bullshit. It means nothing.”
A-ha!! Finally an intelligent retort pops into my brain. “Kind of like ‘I don’t believe in love, I believe in fucking’? They’re just words and mean nothing?” He glares at me so I come up with another one, not feeling so pathetic anymore. “Or how about ‘I don’t do boyfriends’? Everyone knows now how much bullshit that one was.”
“Shut up,” he snips with another glare, but I’m on a roll now…
“Ooh, ooh…or my all time favorite ‘the guy I fuck more than once’?” And now I can’t help but laugh.
“Hey! That was a good one, asshole.” His glare is fading and his lips are starting to curl up a bit. He knows.
“Yeah well, it was original, I’ll give you that. But you’re right. Just words. ‘It’s all bullshit. It means nothing’. I learned a long time ago to not listen to your bullshit mantras.”
“Not everything I say is bullshit, you know.” He sits backs and turns back to the TV, but he’s not really paying attention to it.
“Yeah, I know.” I lean back too, right next to him and his arm goes around me.
“But none of that has anything to do with what I was saying about marriage and this movie.” He gestures to the screen and I turn to look. It’s showing the couple apart and how unhappy they are now that they aren’t together anymore. I remember feeling that way. It was awful. I wonder if that’s how Brian felt. He squeezes my shoulder a little.
“Justin, look…” he starts to say then pauses and I realize that I don’t like this. He doesn’t know that I get it, that I feel the same way he does. He’s still so sure that I want something more and that he has to explain himself once again. He’s so worried that I might leave again. “…you got a scrap of metal placed around your finger and what did that you get you in the long run?”
I wince immediately. I don’t really want to answer and I don’t think I need to. He knows what that got me or he wouldn’t be trying to use it to prove his point. He takes my hand in his and rubs on my finger, the one that the ring was on for those few short days. I’m watching him caress it then it occurs to me, there was something very positive that I got from that ring. I got understanding. The understanding that I have now. The understanding of what it is that I truly want. I don’t want a ring; I want a partner, a real one. I want Brian and odd as it is, that is exactly what that ring got me … in the long run. It got me Brian, as a real partner.
I smile and look up at him, pressing my forehead against his. He smiles back out of habit. My smiles can be infectious; he can’t help himself. I answer his question…
“You.”
He snorts and interlaces our fingers, pushing our hands around in circles in the air. He’s playing and I feel all goofy. “You had me before.”
I feel this thud in my gut and this big boom in my ears. I can’t seem to take a breath. Since I can’t breathe and can’t think of anything to say; I have no other use for my mouth, so I kiss him. And he doesn’t let me go. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that the couple in the movie have found their way back to each other and are doing what we’re doing. The credits roll, I close my eyes and enjoy his mouth… remnants of dinner and all.
Several minutes later and now desperate to take a breath, I break away with a loud gasp then a deep sigh. He chuckles and pushes me down on the bed. “So… I must’ve played my cards right, huh?”
A flicker of recognition crosses my mind… I had let him kiss me. I start laughing but not for long, he kisses me again and I let him lay himself out on top of me. The bed’s shifting underneath us, and it’s not sitting too well with my full stomach. But I don’t want to stop either. We’re grinding and groping and gnawing… see? We didn’t even get to the porn. Who needs Jeff Stryker on TV when you have Brian Kinney in the flesh?
I push up and flip us over. I straddle his hips and rub my hands up and down his chest then lean in for more kissing. Pushing in forcibly, my tongue dominates his mouth. I really love kissing him. He moans and it makes me even more hungered. My hands roam his sides, tracing the outline of his rib cage. So good, so smooth, so firm and tight. He is too skinny, but I wouldn’t want him any other way. I move to his nipples and tweak them taut then pull on the tiny tufts of hair that surround them. They get bumpy with chills and I break the kiss, smiling. He’s panting…I love it.
“I’m feelin’ lucky, Brian,” I tell him. I pull on the hair some more and pinch his hardened nipples while rubbing my ass against his groin.
“Mmm, yes. I can see that. I’m feeling like a bath.”
