“Hello?”
“Hey,” Brian said as if nothing was wrong… and he hadn’t said some awful things… and Justin hadn’t hung up on him… and it hadn’t been days and days since they’d last talked. He glanced at the bottle of Beam sitting on the counter. He’d told himself to do this sober, without any assistance, but as soon as Justin answered the phone he wished he’d had a little something, just a sip, to take the edge off and help him get through it all. He looked away from it. No. It would mean more if he did it straight.
He heard Justin take a deep breath, as if in preparation for this inevitable phone call. “Hey,” Justin responded with a hint of a sigh.
“Um, so how’s it going?” Brian rolled his eyes. That was lame and he wondered if he sounded as much like Ted to Justin as he did to himself. How fucking pathetic could he be?
“Fine. What about you?” Justin answered and asked, a little flat and uncaring. Gee, great. But at least he didn’t hang up on him. That was something.
“Fabulous.”
And then the silence. A loud, booming silence that made him want to plug his ears. Pleasantries were out of the way. Now what? Brian took a deep breath and brought a cigarette to his lips. He had to get it over with. He flicked his lighter, sucked in a big drag, blew the smoke out quickly and inhaled another one, as if the second one would give him what the first one didn’t. Of course it didn’t and he turned to the bottle again, staring at it but not touching it. Convincing himself he was strong enough to face Justin without it. Why did it all have to be so hard? It was funny on Happy Days when Fonzi struggled with it, but this was just pathetic… and in no way was it funny.
“Brian?” Justin interrupted his thoughts. “What do you want?” He knew damn well what Brian wanted… for him to make this easy on him. But Justin didn’t really feel like it, even though he was dying to get it over with himself. He was pleased that it only took four days for Brian to call, but on the other hand, those four days had felt like four months, and he’d missed Brian terribly.
Brian chuckled softly. “You know what I want. You’re onto me, remember?”
“Yeah, I’m onto you alright,” Justin agreed but then fell silent. Waiting.
“But you’re gonna make me say it anyway. Aren’t you? Even though you know.”
“I deserve to hear it. Don’t you think?”
Yeah, he did. Damn. This separation thing sucked. If Justin were there then Brian would just look him in the eye and let his face tell him all the things that his mouth never could. But then again, if Justin were there, he wouldn’t have said the shit he did in the first place. Brian took one more drag, crushed the cigarette into the ashtray and exhaled the last of the smoke from his lungs. It was now or never.
“Okay. I’m sorry.” A pause and a slight relief. “There. I said it.” He was rather proud of himself and, unlike Fonzi, he didn’t even stutter.
Justin laughed, making fun of his so-called courage to apologize. “Sorry’s bullshit, remember? It means nothing.” He had no intention of making this easy for Brian. None.
Brian winced. He hated it when Justin threw his own words in his face. But at least he was laughing. Humor was good. Even if he was making fun of him. He could build on that. All hope was not lost.
“But since you decided to break your own code and say it…” Justin added. “I’ll accept it on one condition.”
Fuck. A condition. Brian was sure that meant groveling. “Uh oh. Blond boy making demands. Never a good sign. You might as well just throw the rope over the tree right now and get it over with.”
Justin smiled, knowing that Brian would do anything to fix this. “Not yet. I haven’t made up my mind as to what your punishment will be or that it’s even necessary for it to be that severe. So before I impose sentencing is there anything you would like to say on your behalf? Like, maybe explain just what exactly you’re apologizing for? That’s what’s important here. I have to know that you understand. What are you sorry for, Brian?”
For being an ass, oh wait, for being a fucking asshole. Yeah, that’s what he’s sorry for, but he knew that’s not what Justin wanted. Groveling. That’s what he wanted. Brian swallowed, it wasn’t gonna be easy. He knew that he’d better be convincing. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry for what I said. It was cruel and uncalled for. You didn’t deserve it. I was being childish and immature. I was being…”
“You were being a twat,” Justin interrupted, smiling into the phone.
Okay, Brian deserved that. He called Justin a twat on more than enough occasions. And yes, that’s what he was being. A childish and immature twat. Brian sighed, relieved that at least one of them was being mature now. Justin deserved an apology and was demanding one before he would forgive and forget, but he wasn’t lashing out. They weren’t fighting and he got a feeling that Justin was actually getting a thrill out of this. But Brian pushed that away. As long as Justin wasn’t being like he had been to him, then they were making progress. But still, he knew the little shit was smiling, damn it, and as much as it killed him to agree, he had to.
“The probability of that is unimaginable, I know, but I guess in this case, yes, that’s what I was being.” He picked up his cigarettes and lit another one.
“And… you were being a jealous boyfriend,” Justin pushed smugly. He loved it when Brian was jealous. But he didn’t like him being jealous so far away. It made his mind go crazy and say stupid, hurtful things. It was much different than when Justin was there, where Brian could act on his feelings and Justin could make it all better. It was the distance and Brian’s feelings of helplessness.
“No. I wasn’t.” Brian disagreed. But very weakly.
“Yes. You were.” Justin was adamant.
“Okay. Yes,” Brian finally admitted, grinning as he imagined the smirk on Justin’s face. “I was vindictive and acting out on irrational fears and unfounded jealousy.”
Justin laughed. “You can’t recycle your apologies, Brian.”
“Why not? It worked pretty well the first time,” Brian smirked.
“Because you have to mean it, you dickhead.”
“I do mean it. But at the same time… I believe that the fears weren’t so irrational nor that the jealousy was that unfounded.”
“Oh no? How come?”
“Because I know what you’re capable of doing to people.” Yeah, making people want to be a better person. His stomach flipped over. Making people change everything about their lives, make them want things that they never thought they did. Yeah, he knew first hand about Justin’s amazing capabilities. And why would Conner James be any different than him? Someone being immune to Justin’s charm was highly unlikely. Brian picked up the bottle and went to the bedroom, setting the bottle on the nightstand, he plopped down on the bed.
“You’re so full of shit, Brian. But if you seriously believe that, then we have a bigger problem than you just being a twat and a jealous boyfriend.”
“What could possibly be a bigger problem than that?” Brian asked cockily.
“Because then that means that you’re trying to justify your reaction. Brian, there is no justification for the shit you said to me. And if you think you were justified, even if by just a small part, then you might be inclined to let it happen again. Conner is still going to be in this movie. He and I will still be working closely with each other. How are you going to deal with that? I don’t like what you said, Brian. It really hurt.”
Brian winced again. He hated that he’d hurt Justin. Again. “I’ll deal with it. It’s my problem.”
“If you lash out at me, then it’s our problem.”
“Hmmm, well then, we’ll deal with it. Together.” There was silence so Brian figured it was the end of it. “Am I forgiven now?” He heard Justin huff on the other end of the phone. “I missed you, you know.”
“I figured as much. Me, too,” Justin whispered sweetly before getting serious again. “Brian, don’t do it again.”
“I’ll try,” Brian said laughing.
“You better do more than try, Brian.”
“I won’t… I mean, I won’t do it again.”
“I’m serious. Jealousy is based on insecurity and lack of trust. You have no reason to not trust me anymore and you have no reason to feel insecure about how I feel about you. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Good.”
“But that doesn’t mean you will get away with that kind of shit again.”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you. I know that you know there’s no one better than me for you…”
“Oh my god,” Justin said, rolling his eyes.
“It’s Conner. I’m almost sure that that’s a fact that he is unaware of and therefore he may try to…”
“Brian! Would you listen to yourself? What the fuck difference does it make what he wants? I had him. Done. It was a fuck. It meant nothing. I barely remember it.”
Brian started laughing. “That sounds familiar.”
Justin laughed too. “Yeah it does. I guess I picked up a few things along the way. But the point is…”
“I know the point. I taught you the fucking point.” Brian stopped when he realized his voice had risen. He didn’t want it to turn into something else. Conner wanted Justin. No doubt about it. He was sure of it. But that wasn’t Justin’s fault. He couldn’t help the fact that he was irresistible. This was about the awful things Brian had said to Justin and his apology. He grabbed the bottle off the nightstand and twisted off the lid. “Forgiveness… now.”
“Okay fine. You’re forgiven,” Justin said sweetly.
“Well, thank god.” Relief and anguish poured through Brian’s body. He had gotten through it without taking a drink. And now they could move on to more important things. He brought the bottle up to his lips and poured some into his mouth.
“I do kind of like it when you’re jealous though,” Justin admitted with just a hint of horniness in his voice.
Enough of a hint that Brian’s dick heard it and stood up to hear more. “I know,” Brian said, rubbing his hand over his pants. Christ! He took another drink, returned the bottle to the nightstand and leaned back against the headboard. “So… I have this really big problem and you’re just what the doctor ordered to take care of it.”
Justin laughed, knowing full well what Brian’s big problem was. If truth be known he was in the same predicament. But he wasn’t quite ready to go there yet. It had been four agonizing nights since they’d talked and well, Justin had a lot to tell him. “Is that why you called, Brian? For me to take care of you little problem?” Justin asked, teasing Brian and smiling into the phone.
“Big problem, I said.”
“Okay, big problem. Is that why you missed me?”
“Yeah, Justin. That was the only reason because you’re the only guy in the fucking entire world that can take care of my hard-ons. If I wanted a quick off, I would’ve gone back to Babylon tonight just like I’ve done for the last four nights. You know that place where there is always a willing ass to play with.”
Justin wrinkled his nose. “Yes, I’m familiar with the place. Anything worth mentioning?” He didn’t really want to know but a smart part of him did, and that’s the part that forced the words out of his mouth.
“Not really. They served their purpose,” Brian answered nonchalantly and Justin was relieved. “So… my problem is still a problem. Can we move on now?”
“Yeah, we can move on. They found a guy to play JT,” Justin said changing the subject.
“That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind,” Brian sighed. “But okay, tell me about him.”
“Hmmm, well. He does sound hot. The Irish always are,” Brian added smugly and Justin laughed.
Yeah, I would agree.”
“So what’s his deal? If he’s unknown, why are they convinced that he can pull this off?”
“Well, his bio lists all this stuff. Acting academy, he’s got a degree in Theatre and Dance…”
“Dance?” Brian asked incredulously. “Is he a fag or what?”
“Yeah, he is actually,” Justin said thoughtfully. Oh great. Could he not catch a fucking break? “His bio says that he’s been out since he was 17. Wow. That’s pretty brave. You don’t see that too often.” And Justin was impressed with him. Shit.
“You came out at 17. Or should I say, came on, came in, came under, came all over the fucking place, if I recall correctly.” Justin laughed. “You were pretty fucking brave, if you ask me.”
“Well yeah, but I’m just some guy from the Pitts. He’s like an actor, trying to get a job in the public eye. Being gay is not usually the acceptable thing to be. I just think it’s admirable. And the way you reacted to Conner to being in the movie and being in the closet, I thought you’d think so, too.”
And there it was. Brian’s proof that his jealousy hadn’t been unfounded. Justin did admire those that were out and Brian was even more sure now that he’d probably said a very similar thing to Conner about Rupert. And maybe even said something again about it since Brian’s little tirade. This was just fucking fabulous. But they had moved on, he tried not to think about it. “Hmm.” Brian wasn’t sure about this. “So he’s a dancer?”
“Uh-huh. That’s what it says. Ballet.”
“Christ!” Brian smirked. “That’s just about as stereotypical as one can get as far as the public’s concerned.” Brian sighed. “On the plus side though, I’d wager a bet that he’s extremely limber.”
“You think?” Justin asked.
“Yeah. I imagine he won’t have any problems bending his knees to his ears like JT does. All. The. Fucking. Time.”
“I guess…” Justin’s voice trailed off as he stared at the picture on the actor’s bio, thinking about what Brian was saying. Very limber. Yep, he’d bet he was. And he kind of wanted to find out. That could be hot.
Brian cleared his throat, sensing that the image he’d just invoked of JT folded over, ass in the air, had sent Justin’s mind reeling. “Sunshine’s getting some wicked ideas in that pretty little head of his. Isn’t he?” Brian sing-songed.
Justin laughed. “Well, he is hot! You wanna see him?” Justin went to his computer desk and pulled up the website listed on the bio.
“Awww, how sweet of you! You gonna gift wrap him and send him to the Pitts? Just for me?”
Justin snorted. “No!”
“Why not?” Brian asked. “I AM the real Rage. I could teach him what it’s really like to be fucked by him.”
Justin rolled his eyes. “He’s gay remember. I’m pretty sure he won’t have any issues simulating man-on-man sex. But I wouldn’t mind checking it out though.” Justin grinned.
“Down boy.”
Justin laughed. “You’re just jealous because I have this vast field of play out here and you’re still stuck with the same ole, same ole in the Pitts.” Brian huffed. No, that wasn’t it all.
“Hey! What happened to ‘the city’s really big, Brian, it’s overwhelming’?” Brian grinned into the phone. He was happy that Justin was comfortable now, if he could just get over this feeling of uneasiness about Justin actually working with these guys that he was fucking. Don’t piss where you sleep, you know.
“I guess I grew some balls,” Justin smirked into the phone. “Here’s the website for Rupert. Check him out.”
Brian groaned and got up from the bed. “Fine, I’ll check out the little JT guy. By the way, Justin,” Brian said as he sat down in front of his computer.
“What?”
“You’ve always had balls. Big ones in fact. What’s the address?”
Justin snickered. “I like to think so. Oh, you ready? Okay, it’s www.rlipmanagency.com/rupertharris.html What do you think? Hot huh?”
Brian typed in the address and hit go. “Well hang on. Impatient little shit.”
“Brian.”
“You sound like my parents when you do that, only they didn’t say my name, it was usually ‘piece of shit’ or some other closely affectionate term.”
“Brian,” Justin said again and Brian smirked. The web page popped up and Brian’s eyebrow arched immediately and a little rumble escaped from his throat. Justin knew he’d seen him. “What do you think?”
“He’s alright,” Brian said with his traditional response. But the guy would definitely be worth a fuck.
“This movie is going to be so fucking hot, Brian. Can you picture him and Conner going at it?” Actually, yeah he could picture it. He could also picture Justin doing it with him. And himself. “Shit. Jaws will drop. I get hard just thinking about it.”
“Well, it should cause for some moist panties, alright. Guys and girls. You think he’s got a big dick?” Brian got up from the computer and went back to the bedroom to get ready for what was surely about to happen.
Justin laughed. “I sure hope so,” he replied, licking his lips. “Brian?”
Brian closed his eyes and rubbed his hand over his cock, waking it back up. “Hmmm? Gotta problem there, Sunshine?”
“Yeah,” Justin said throatily. “You?”
“Do you need to even ask?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things were back on track after the fated phone call. Amazing how a shared orgasm could put your life back into perspective.
Justin continued to work on story boards in the art department but he was also asked numerous times to give input elsewhere. Overall look and feel of the sets. Wardrobe for the costumes. He told Brian all about it and Brian loved the excitement in his voice when it came to the movie and how much Brett was depending on Justin’s input.
And then there were other nights where Justin and Conner were together at Brett’s or going out with Brett, and even though Brian had some respect for Brett since his intentions toward Justin seemed to be honest, he couldn’t understand why Brett kept creating situations where Conner and Justin would be together. Weren’t they together enough already? It made him leery and uncomfortable. And not being there to see what was really going on left him feeling helpless and without control. He hated that most of all. How was he supposed to protect Justin if he wasn’t there? It made him crazy.
“You know how you can raise one eyebrow but not the other?” Justin asked him one night.
“Uh-huh,” Brian answered.
Justin started laughing as he began to recite his story. “Well, I told Conner it’s very important that Rage do that. I explained to him that Rage is a man who believes that incessant talking isn’t necessary as a means to communicate and that his facial expressions are what tell the story. That that look, as well as many others, is what JT uses to see the real Rage. The man behind the mask. It’s how he knows that Rage loves him even though he refuses to say it.” Justin laughed again, obviously remembering something that he hadn’t shared with Brian yet and Brian smirked.
“Really. Is that so?” Brian knew it was so. That’s exactly how Justin had him all figured out. It never mattered what Brian said… Justin always knew the truth. The little shit. But it was also that fact that caused Justin to not know what was really going on with Brian now. Kind of hard to look for facial expressions over the phone. With that kind of distance between them, all they had to rely on was words and well, even though Brian was a man that didn’t speak them often, he was also a master at using words to sell stuff, even if what he was selling wasn’t the truth. He didn’t like himself for doing it, but his technique of refusing to say things didn’t work too well in long distance relationships. You kind of had to talk to communicate.
“Yep,” Justin answered smugly. “Anyway, Conner can’t do it. He tried over and over and it was cracking me up. Both eyebrows kept going up together at the same time.”
“No shit,” Brian added trying to sound uninterested when in reality he was grinning like a Cheshire cat that Conner couldn’t do it.
“So I was helping him by holding one down as he practiced.”
An image of Justin sitting on Conner’s lap and holding his face popped into Brian’s mind. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes trying to make it disappear.
“It was so funny, Brian. I couldn’t help but laugh.”
And Justin was laughing now. Still laughing about cute little Conner and his eyebrow arching inabilities. Brian felt sick.
“But he finally got it. Now he can do it without my help. And it’s like he’s so proud, or is afraid that he’ll forget how to do it, but he does it all the time now.”
“That’s great.” Brian combed his fingers through his hair then reached for a smoke.
“Yeah, I’ll look over at him from across the room and he’ll raise one eyebrow at me and I just laugh at him. Last night we were at Emerald and he did it while I was taking a drink. I nearly choked on an ice cube then spewed my drink all over this guy’s shirt. Fucked up my chances to score with that dude, but oh well. God, he’s so pathetic. I can’t wait for you to meet him.”
Oh yeah, that made Brian feel better. Now Conner was thwarting Justin’s attempts at getting laid. Just fucking great. “I can hardly wait,” Brian mumbled with a cigarette dangling from his lips.
Justin also told him about Rupert. On one rare occasion when Rupert joined the Three Musketeers on a night out to the clubs… Rupert had accompanied Justin back to his place. Brian’s body tensed at first but for some reason that Brian didn’t quite understand, this scenario didn’t make him all that jealous. In fact, Justin’s acute sense for detail and animated ways of storytelling turned this chapter of Justin’s Hollywood adventure into a rather hot interlude of phone sex, despite the slight twinge in Brian’s gut. Just the sheer thought of Justin fucking his alter ego made Brian hard and Justin took full advantage of it. Brian even wished that Justin had had this same reaction when he saw him with Rage all that time ago… but of course, bad timing had prevented that. They were in such a different place back then.
But now, it was okay. Oddly enough. And Brian thought about it constantly. Justin would be working closely with Rupert to teach him all of JT’s mannerisms… just like he was doing with Conner. Why was he not totally freaking out? Why did Conner make him nuts and yet Rupert didn’t? And Rupert was gay, like really gay. Out and everything. And closer to Justin’s age.
The more Justin talked about Rupert, the more he began to understand what it could be. Maybe it was because of Rupert himself. Yes, he was a hot, sexy, blond with a kick ass body that should make any human being alive jealous and insecure but there was more. Other than their initial tryst, Rupert seemed completely uninterested in Justin. Justin told Brian that Rupert was a really quiet guy and wasn’t much into partying and the more Justin talked to him, the more uncomfortable and insecure Justin felt. Evidently Rupert was this ultra-intelligent guy who liked to read intense novels and rather loathed the promiscuous gay lifestyle as a state of being. He participated in the occasional one-night stand but for the most part, he was a nester and saw the ‘fuck anything that moves’ attitude as childish and immature. Of course, that made Brian laugh.
“He doesn’t know what he’s missing. Obviously he’s never been fucked properly,” Brian told Justin.
“Oh and you think you could change that?” Justin played along.
“Of course.”
“Sorry. But I doubt it. The guy’s a stick in the mud. Besides, I told you all about our little adventure so you know damn well he was fucked thoroughly and properly by yours truly. Not to mention the fact that he already sucks cock like a Hoover.”
But the clincher for Brian was what Justin told him after they’d had dinner one night… after their torrid sex affair… when Rupert asked all kinds of questions about JT’s motivation for chasing Rage around. Justin tried to explain it the best he could and Rupert seemed to understand. He was getting in touch with the character and all seemed fine. But then Rupert ended the conversation with a comment about JT and Rage’s relationship being totally dysfunctional and one-sided. Justin didn’t like that very much and grimaced at him.
“He reminds me of those snobby, pretentious assholes that Ethan hung out with,” Justin said casually. “It’s too bad really. Blond, gorgeous, built, big dick, great ass. All wasted.”
Brian decided then and there, Rupert was not anyone he needed to worry about. He was already secure in his gayness, had a strong sense of himself and who he wanted to be. Justin’s idealistic charm wouldn’t work on Rupert. So no, even though Rupert was hot as hell, he didn’t need to worry about him. Just Conner. Conner fucking James. The one who was living a lie. The one who was probably just insecure enough in his choice to live the way he was living, that Justin’s idealistic values, intelligent banter and gargantuan balls could have an impact on. That Conner.
