A very shakey hand turned the key in the lock, turned it back the other way, then pulled it completely out. Justin wiped his face with his hands to remove all the evidence of his uncontrollable tears that had been running down his face all the way home. He grabbed the door handle and squeezed tightly trying to stop his hand from shaking. After he took a deep breath, he pulled back on the door and found a very naked Brian standing in a sea of condoms with his arms stretched out to the sides, looking at him with a smile on his face. Justin was stunned. This was not what he was expecting to see when he got home.
"Hey," Brian said, as if everything was normal and he wasn't standing there like a new ad for a condom commercial.
"Hey," Justin responded instinctively.
"So, are you coming or going..." Brian started in.
Justin interrupted before he could finish, "Don't Brian."
"Don't what?"
"You know what. Don't start saying things that you've said before thinking that I'll get all melancholy and pretend that we don't have a big problem," Justin answered. He was still standing outside the door. This was yet another Brian inside and he wasn't sure that it was safe to go in yet.
"Okay, okay. All I meant was, are you coming inside or are you going to stand out there with the door open all fucking night. Quit being a drama princess, come inside and close the damn door. I'm standing here naked, you know." The smile never left Brian's face as he spoke.
Justin stepped inside. Turning to shut the door, he spoke over his shoulder, "I'm not in the mood Brian."
"Not in the mood for what?"
Justin turned back around and looked at Brian. He jutted his head out slightly and dropped his jaw. He couldn't believe Brian wanted to play games now. Word games at that. "Duuuuhhh, Brian. You're standing there fucking naked with condoms all over the floor. What I am suppose to think that means?"
Brian opened his mouth to answer but Justin cut him off. He had some things he had to get off his chest. "You know what? Don't answer that. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what anything you do means anymore. Why don't you just tell me, because I don't fucking know you. Who are you? Who are you today? Who were you yesterday? What about the day before that? You want to know what I think...I think you're fucking Sybil and today you think you're condom man."
Brian laughed.
"Stop it. It's not fucking funny."
"Yes, it is," Brian repeated, looking at Justin with raised eyebrows.
"God, you're so frustrating! Didn't you hear anything that I just said other than the word condom?" Justin was getting angry.
"Justin, come here."
"No." Justin started walking toward the kitchen.
Brian reached out, grabbed his arm and said it again, "Justin, come here."
Justin winced at the touch and closed his eyes. "No," he repeated with a cracked voice. Brian let go of his arm but Justin didn't move away. He just stood there with his back to Brian, trying to stay angry. If he got upset and emotional, he wouldn't be able to make Brian talk about their problem.
Things weren't going like Brian had planned. He knew Justin was upset because of the way he looked at the diner earlier. He really just wanted to lighten his mood so he could tell him the good news. He decided to take a different approach. "I heard every word you said and I'll answer all of your questions. I just want you to come here and look at me."
Justin didn't move. Keeping his eyes closed wasn't helping. He felt the hot tears burning behind his eyelids and threatening to escape.
"Please."
Justin opened his eyes. A single drop fell and rolled down his cheek. He turned around to face Brian who had his arms stretched out again. He stepped closer to him, but not close enough that Brian could touch him.
That was good enough for Brian. He had a lot to say and he didn't know where to start. He wanted Justin near him, to give him the courage to talk and just taking those steps closer gave him some comfort. He let his arms fall to his sides and let out the breath he'd been holding. "Thank you," he sighed. The corner of Justin's mouth turned slightly upwards, acknowledging that he understood what it had meant. "Okay, first question...Who am I?...I'm your boyfriend, that's who I am."
The little smile that Justin had, disappeared. "Really? You sure haven't been acting like my boyfriend. And you sure as hell haven't been acting like I'm yours."
"I know."
"You know?"
"Yes, I fucking know, alright?" Brian answered with a raised voice.
"So now you're mad at me?"
"Yes. No. Goddammitt!! Stop doing that."
"Stop doing what?"
"That."
"What?"
"Stop changing the subject. I'm trying to answer your questions and you're interrupting me."
"It's called talking Brian. We're having a conversation. A much needed conversation."
Brian rubbed his face with his hands and growled. "This is not how I envisioned this would go."
"And how did you envision it? You thought I would walk in here, see you naked and drop to my knees? Do you know how insulting that is. You saw me at the diner. You knew I was upset. You didn't say a fucking word to me, you get all happy, kiss Mikey right in front of me and then you just bolted out the door like what was wrong with me didn't matter to you in the slightest. Now I come home and find you standing there naked with a fucking smile still on your face. Like if we just get off, everything will be fine again."
"No, that's not what I thought. Give me some credit. I know we have a problem. I know that I haven't been a very good boyfriend lately..."
"Yeah, you already said that. And stop throwing that word around like it means something to you, because I know it doesn't."
"What word? Boyfriend? You know what I mean, Justin. Are we going to play word games now? This is getting us nowhere. We need to start somewhere else."
"Well why don't you start with telling me why you're naked then. And what's up with all the condoms on the floor?"
"We'll get to the condom part later. I'm naked because I wanted to talk to you."
"And you can't talk with your clothes on?"
"Something like that."
"I don't understand. What does talking to me have to do with whether or not you're wearing clothes?"
Brian reached out and grabbed Justin's hand, pulling him towards him. Justin took one step closer. Brian put his hands on the collar of Justin's jacket and began to pull it off of him. Justin stopped him. "Brian, answer me."
"Because you have been looking at me weird lately. Like I was a stranger."
"You have been a stranger. For the last week, I didn't know what you were going to be like when I got home. You would look at me with such anger in your eyes. It scared me. I didn't know who you were anymore."
"I know. I didn't mean to scare you. That's what I'm trying to tell you."
"So far you haven't told me anything."
Brian sighed in frustration. "This is really hard for me Justin." He reached out to Justin's hands and held them, squeezing tightly.
Justin squeezed his hands back. "Just tell me."
"I knew that you were questioning who I was. I needed to tell you what was going on with me, but I was afraid that you wouldn't know who it was that was talking to you. I wanted you to know that it's your boyfr...that it's me. The real me. You said yourself earlier, you don't know me anymore so I wanted you to see me. So you would know."
"Brian?"
"Yes, it's me. Look at me, Justin. It's just me. No masks, no stranger, no liquor, just me with my balls hanging out."
Justin took another step closer, stood up on his toes, placed a kiss on Brian's lips then took a step back. "Thank you. I understand."
"You do?"
"Yeah. But that doesn't explain who you were yesterday and the day before that and last week..."
"That was an unhappy, self-loathing, drunken, broke, unemployed man who was taking all his anger out on you."
"You're not unhappy anymore?"
"No."
"You're not self-loathing and drunken anymore."
"I'm not drunk, that's for sure."
"But you're still self-loathing?"
"A little bit."
"Why?"
"Because I don't like what I've been doing lately. I'm not even sure exactly what I've been doing. What I've been doing to you. So I still hate myself for that."
"Hmmm. What about the broke and unemployed parts? You're not broke and unemployed anymore?"
"No. Why don't we eat dinner?" Brian let go of Justin's hands and moved towards the table. "The candles are burning down to nothing and I'm sure the food is getting cold."
"Brian! You got a job? That's wonderful." Justin ran up behind him and snaked his arms around his waist giving him a hug.
"No, I didn't. Come on. I know you're hungry." He unwrapped Justin's arms from his waist and walked towards the table.
"So, you didn't get a job?"
"No, I didn't. Justin, you know, you didn't even comment on the candles. I thought you would think they were romantic. Gee, I try, for once, to do something romantic, and you don't even notice."
"Fuck the candles, Brian. You're talking in circles AND you're avoiding the question." Justin leaned over and blew the candles out.
"Well, that's a new one." Brian grabbed some plates out of the cabinet and moved back to the table.
"What?"
"You, not wanting romance." He began dishing out some of the food onto the plates.
"This is hardly the time, Brian."
"How hungry are you? You want a lot or just a little?"
Justin grabbed Brian's hand with the spoon in it. "Stop with the fucking food. Tell me what is going on? You're not broke or unemployed anymore, but you didn't get a job."
"Right."
Justin growled. He was getting impatient and frustrated.
Brian saw that Justin was getting pissed so he put the plates down. He let out a big sigh. "Fine. We'll eat later, but it will be cold by then."
Justin looked at him with pursed lips and raised eyebrows. He was waiting.
Brian approached Justin, grabbed his jacket again and started to pull it down off his shoulders. "Brian, what are you doing?"
"Taking your clothes off so we can talk."
Justin backed away and finished taking his jacket off by himself. He threw it over the back of one of the chairs then pulled the chair out and sat down. "I don't need to take my clothes off. You know who I am."
"Is that so? Why did you start sleeping on the edge of the bed? Why did you stop wanting to take showers with me? Why are you always smelling me? Why did you stop telling me when something was bothering you? Hmmm? Those aren't the actions of the Justin that I know."
Justin squirmed in his seat, uncomfortable with how the conversation had turned around to be about him. Maybe Brian was right. Maybe he had changed as well. Maybe he had started to wear a mask too. He pushed the thoughts out of his head and decided to bring their talk back to Brian and his sudden happiness and wealth. "Brian, you're just trying to change the subject. This isn't about me. It's about you. What is going on?"
"That's where you're wrong, Sunshine. It is about you. But I can fix it now."
Justin looked up at him in confusion. "Fix what? Brian will you just sit down and talk to me?"
Brian looked at the other chair by the table and then back at Justin. Justin wondered what he would do. Brian had never sat in these chairs before.
Brian huffed, grabbed the back of the chair, pulled it over by Justin and sat down. "The first thing we are going to do is get rid of your hideous furniture. I can afford better now. Maybe not Italian like I used to have, but better."
"Our hideous furniture." Justin corrected him with a smile.
"No, it's yours. You bought it."
"I bought for us, Brian. That makes it ours."
"No it doesn't."
"How do you figure that?"
"I already told you. You bought it so it's yours."
"So, by what your saying then, this table and chairs, the couch and the coffee table are all mine and not yours."
"Yes."
"So, the bed, the refrigerator, the computer desk, the shower and the fucking toilet are all yours then and not mine."
"No. They're yours too. You live here."
"But you bought them, so by your definition then, they're just yours."
"That's different."
"Why is it different, Brian?"
"It just is."
"Why?"
"How do we keep getting off the subject. Can I tell you my good news now and how I'm going to fix our problem?"
"Fine."
"Okay, but no interruptions."
"Fine."
"Promise?"
"Brian, fuck, quit stalling."
"You and I are going to start up our own ad agency. Right here in Pittsburgh. I thought about New York, but the rent is so high in the city and I don't have that much money so I figured we could start here and then, when we are the hottest agency in town, which we will be of course, maybe we'll branch out to New York."
"Brian...."
"Uh, uh, uh...no interruptions."
"But how...."
"You'll head up the art department. I'll get us the clients and be the idea man. I am an advertising genious you know. You'll make my ideas come to life with your incredibly gifted hands. We'll bring Cynthia on board. She knows how to get all the other stuff done. It'll just be the three of us until we start making the good money. But with my brilliance and your talent that won't take long at all. I feel it. This is right. This is the answer to our problem. So, what do you say?"
"What do I say? I think you've lost your fucking mind. What the hell are you talking about? How are we going to start a business and hire Cynthia, no less. You know she makes a ton of money at Vanguard. If you haven't noticed Brian, you're broke, and I'm barely making enough at the diner to keep us afloat."
Brian whinced at Justin's comment but decided to let it go. "I'm not broke anymore."
"You said that before but you haven't explained shit. How are you not broke anymore?"
"When I was in college, I interned for Ryder, just like you did for Vanguard."
"Yeah, so? Interns don't get paid."
"That's right, they don't."
"So?"
"There was this company that was just starting out and they came to Ryder for their launching advertising campaign. I was part of the team that developed it. They wanted a young hip team for fresh ideas because they wanted to focus their advertising towards high school and college students. Their commercials were going to be on MTV and magazines that catered to the young. They used our ideas and their business was launched. They did pretty good in the beginning. Not great. But they were new and slowly growing. Their product was all the rage on college campuses across the country, so they were getting what they wanted out of our ideas. Everyone on the team got bonuses from Ryder when the company signed the contract. I was an intern, so I didn't get one. The owner of the company found out and wanted to do something nice for me, you know, to encourage me."
"Uh huh."
"What?"
"Was the owner of this company gay?"
"Yes, but..."
"Uh huh."
"Justin stop it."
"Did you blow him?"
"No."
"Uh huh."
"Okay, okay. But I didn't blow him. He blew me."
"I knew it."
"Yeah, yeah, you know me so well. Can I get back to my story, now?"
"Go ahead."
"So, we were in the bathroom and he was blowing me. After I shot my load in his mouth he said thanks for the gift and that he had one for me too. He pulled this piece of paper out of his suit pocket and handed it to me."
"What was it?"
"A stock certificate for a hundred shares of his company's stock. He said it wasn't much because the company wasn't really worth anything, but he wanted me to have it. He told me not to tell Ryder about it. Which I didn't. I didn't really know what a stock certificate was anyway back then, if it wasn't green, I wasn't interested. I came home, tossed it in my lock box and forgot about it."
"So what made you think of it now and what does that have to do with anything?"
"Quit interrupting me and I'll tell you."
"You know, you have a lot to learn about talking. A conversation means that both of us talk. Not just one person."
"Duly noted. Can I finish now?"
Justin didn't answer.
"I was at the diner this morning. I saw you. I knew I had done something terrible to you last night. Mikey knew it too. He started yelling at me...."
"Yeah, I heard him," Justin interrupted again.
Brian raised his eyebrows at him. Justin rolled his eyes back at Brian. "Go on."
"So he's yelling at me about how if you're upset, then I must be fucking around..."
Justin raised his eyebrows.
"What? Of course, I knew it was more than that. I know the fucking around doesn't bother you, but this is Mikey we're talking about and he thinks that everything bad between us revolves around our dicks."
Justin squirmed in his seat. Brian was only partially right about the fucking around. He decided to be honest. "That's not completely true."
"What?"
"It does bother me now."
"What the fuck, Justin? You said..."
"I know what I said and that is still true. I understand it. But it's different this time."
"Why? Because you're living here? If that's true Justin, we've got bigger problems than I thought. I can't promise you that, you know that."
"I know."
"Then why is it different?"
"Because you chose them over me."
"What? They aren't the ones living here Justin. Fuck."
"I knew when you were doing it. You wouldn't touch me afterwards. I thought it was romantic that sometimes you just wanted to hold me, but then I came home early one day and saw him leaving. That was one of those days when you wouldn't make love to me or kiss me. I realized then that you were only pushing me away because you had already been with someone else. You chose to trick over being with me. You had never done that before and it hurt. It turned your romantic gesture of cuddling into something dirty. It made me sick."
Brian was speechless. That must have been when Justin started sleeping on the edge of the bed. "Justin..."
"Why? Why would you push me away if you knew that I was fine with it?"
"I don't know."
"That's not an answer."
"Maybe I wasn't fine with it. You ever think about that?"
"Huh? That doesn't make any sense Brian. If you weren't fine with it, then why do it?"
"I don't know. I needed to, I guess."
"Fine. Why push me away?"
"I don't know."
"Quit saying you don't know. You do know. Tell me."
"Because I felt guilty, I guess."
"You never promised me anything, Brian. You didn't need to feel guilty for tricking."
"Yes, I did."
"Why?"
"Because I did it because I was mad at you, that's why."
"Mad at me? What did I do?"
"Nothing. You were just being you. But it was pissing me off."
"Brian..."
"Did you know that I hadn't fucked anybody else for a long time?"
"I thought so, but then when I saw that guy, I thought I was wrong."
"You weren't wrong. It had been a long time. I was fine just being with you."
"What changed?"
"You moved in."
"What? You asked me to. You wanted me to. You said you wanted to be around me all the time."
"And that was true."
"So?"
"So, you started buying things. You bought this hideous furniture of yours."
"Ours," Justin corrected him.
"You bought this furniture, you started buying groceries and stuff then you started paying for everything when we went out. Don't you know how that made me feel?"
"Uh, no, I don't know how that made you feel. What is the big deal? You didn't have money, I did. So what?"
"So, I didn't like it. It wasn't suppose to be that way. I was supposed to be taking care of you. Not the other way around."
"Why were you supposed to be taking care of me?" Justin paused. "Oh, I get it now. This is that macho bullshit."
"Huh? No, it's just..."
"Bullshit Brian. You don't need anybody. Right? Isn't that what you always say? And you needed me, so to assert your masculinity you went out and starting fucking again. That's bullshit, Brian."
"Yes. No. Slow down, dammit. Listen to me. No, I don't need anybody. Yes, that is what I always say. No, I didn't need you to take care of me."
"You didn't?"
"No. What do you think I'm stupid? I had enough money to get by until I got my shit together. I didn't need your money. That is not why I asked you to move in. I just wanted to be with you."
"I thought..."
"I know what you thought and you were wrong. It pissed me off."
"Okay, I'm sorry about that. But still, why did it matter that I bought us furniture or groceries or paid when we went out? If we are together than it doesn't matter who pays. That's called a partnership, Brian."
"Really? Doesn't matter who pays?"
"Yes. And. No."
"I think you need to get undressed now."
"Huh? No, Brian. We're not done here."
"And we'll never get done, if you don't start being honest with me, with us. I don't know who YOU are right now. You're lying and you don't usually do that."
"I'm not lying."
"Yes, you are. Tell me how you felt when you lived with me the first two times. Did you feel protected?"
"Yes."
"Did you feel taken care of?"
"Yes. But..."
"How else did you feel?"
Justin just sat there. He didn't say a word. He was starting to understand. "I felt..." he started to say, but then stopped. He looked at Brian. He had never told him how he felt before. Well, he kind of did, but not completely.
Brian raised his eyebrows. Justin stood up and started taking his clothes off. Brian smiled. "Now we're getting somewhere." He started helping him.
When Justin had all his clothes off, he grabbed Brian's hand, pulled him up, led him to the middle of the floor then sat down, pulling Brian down with them. "I felt weak."
"You were never weak, Justin."
"No, not mentally, but physically, I was weak. The first time I lived here, it was because of my age. I was still in high school, you had to take care of me. Then the second time, it was because of my body and again, you had to take care of me. I was weak."
"I liked taking care of you."
"I know. But this time, I thought that you needed me. I could repay you for when you took care of me. I liked taking care of you. I liked being needed. Feeling needed. You said that you liked taking care of me. Did you like the fact that I needed you? Did you like feeling needed?"
"Yes. I guess I did."
"Then you understand why I was taking care of things now?"
"Yes, and you understand why I didn't like it. It made me feel weak, too."
Justin smiled.
Brian laughed. "We have a real problem here, don't we?"
Justin laughed as well. "I guess we do."
"You know when you started sleeping on the edge of the bed, you said it was because you'd found out about the tricks and it made you sick."
"Yeah. So?"
"If you would have just told me what you were feeling, we could have solved this a long time ago."
"Me? What about you? You can't blame this all on me."
"True. But you're the one that's good at this stuff. I kind of rely on you guiding the way with the feelings and shit."
"So, you need me?"
"Okay, okay. Yes, I need you. But not for money or for you to take care of me. I just need you to help me with the relationship stuff."
"So, we're in a relationship?"
"Fuck you, Justin. I thought you were cheating on me again."
"What?!? Why would you think that? I promised you, Brian. I don't make promises lightly."
"I know. I don't either. But you were pulling away from me. You didn't want to cuddle anymore. Then you stopped kissing me hello when you got home. In fact, you made me come after you. What was I suppose to think? It was like it was before."
"I'm sorry, Brian."
"Justin, don't. It was my own fault. I pushed, you reacted, I reacted back."
"We really need to talk more."
"You think?"
"So we agree to talk more. What about our 'big problem'?"
Brian leaned over and kissed Justin softly then pulled away. "Well I have a solution."
"You do?"
"Yes, I've been trying to tell you all evening, but you keep interrupting me."
"Brian."
"Okay, so Mikey was bitching me out about fucking around..." He paused waiting to see if Justin would let him finish this time. When Justin didn't say anything, he went on. "...and he said something about how I should have invested in condoms and it reminded me...."
"Condoms? What does that have to do with anything?"
Brian raised his eyebrows at him again.
"Oh, sorry. Go ahead."
"Have you ever heard of Hot Rods?"
"Yeah, those are the condoms that come in all different bright colors and flavors and stuff. They were real popular at my school. Ohhhhhh! Was that the company that you did the ad for?"
"Smart boy. You get a gold star."
"So you really are condom man." Justin was laughing hysterically.
"Well, aren't you the funny man, now?"
"Brian," Justin said rolling his eyes. "They're a big company now and you have a hundred shares of stock with them. So, how much are they worth? Are you rich now?"
"I called my broker and he says they are currently worth $300,000.00. We're hardly rich, but it's enough to start up an agency. You know, get an office, pay for a year's rent, furniture, all the latest art stuff for you, and of course, we'll need travel money to go out and get those clients."
"You keep saying 'we'. Those are your stocks Brian. It's your money."
"No, it's ours."
"Like the furniture is mine, but the refrigerator is ours."
"Yes."
"We have another problem then."
"What?"
"Why is it when I buy something it belongs to me, but when you buy it or have it, it belongs to both of us?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Shit, Justin, I don't know, it just is. I want you to have it so they're yours. Ok?"
"No."
"No?"
"No. Brian, look. What's your plan with the company? How will it solve our problem? You have been saying all night that you can fix this. How does this solve anything?"
"Because we can use the money from the sale of the stocks to open the agency. We will be partners. 50/50. We'll split all the expenses and split all the profits. We'll do the work together. Isn't that romantic?"
"Hmmm. Yeah, I guess."
"Gee, Justin, try to sound a little more enthusiastic, will you? This is a big fucking deal. Did you ever think in your wildest dreams that you would own your own company at the age of twenty? Fuck! This is huge."
"You would own it," Justin mumbled.
"What?"
"Nothing. We need to go back a little here."
"To what?"
"To the tricks and you pushing me away."
"Justin, didn't we already figure out why I did that? I was mad and feeling weak. I needed to assert some of that macho bullshit as you called it, then I felt guilty for being so pathetic. I thought you understood now."
"I do understand that now. But there's something else that I need you to know that I understand now too."
"What?"
"Soap."
"Huh?"
"When I was living here and I had met Ethan..."
Brian got up off the floor and walked towards the bedroom.
"Brian, where are you going? We never really talked about it. We have to..."
"I have to take a piss, Justin."
"Are you going to come back?"
"Are you going to continue with this need to share about that grease fuck?"
"Yes, you need to know."
"Then no, I'm not coming back."
"Brian." Justin got up and followed Brian into the bathroom. While Brian was taking a piss, Justin washed his hands and then dried them. He waited for Brian to finish. When Brian joined him at the sink, Justin put his hands up to Brian's nose. "Smell."
Brian batted his hands away. "What the fuck, Justin?"
Justin put his hands back under Brian's nose. "Brian, just smell. What is it?"
"It's soap."
"Yeah, does that remind you of anything?"
Brian washed his hands, dried them and leaned against the counter, just looking at Justin, trying to hide the fact that he understood perfectly what he was getting at.
"On those nights that you just wanted to hold me, I would always come home and find you in the shower."
"So? I take showers everyday."
"Yes, but usually with me at night or in the morning. Never in the early evening and you never wanted me to get in with you. The day I saw the trick leaving the loft I put it all together. The cuddling, the pushing me away, the showers."
"What? You would have rathered that I didn't shower after fucking some guy?"
"No, that's not it. You were clean and smelled like soap. So just like it turned the cuddling into a bad thing, it also turned the smell of soap on you into a bad thing and it made me remember...."
"Stop. Don't do that."
"I know now what I put you through."
"Stop! Damnit!"
"Brian, I'm so sorry."
"Jesus! Stop it Justin! We are not going to talk about this. Ever!"
"Brian, we have to."
"Why do we have to? It's over. You're sorry. I'm sorry. We're both sorry. Can't we just move on from there?"
"But Brian I can't get past the smell of soap. Will it ever go away or fade? I miss taking showers with you, but it's just too hard."
"So, that's why you wouldn't shower with me on the nights we went out."
"Yes. Brian, I have to know, how did you get over the smell of soap? How can you stand to smell me clean now? How will I ever come home and smell you clean and not think that you've been with somebody? How do you not think that about me now?"
"Well, for starters, you always come home smelling like fried fatty foods."
"Brian, I'm serious."
"Okay, but I have a question first. Was it really the smell of soap on me or that I wouldn't have sex with you?"
"A little of both, I guess. I don't know. I just started associating the clean with the fact that you wouldn't kiss me or fuck me. So maybe, it's that you wouldn't have sex with me."
"Well then, that's easy. You don't have to worry about that anymore. No matter who I fuck, I will always fuck you afterwards. Okay?" Brian laughed.
"Brian," Justin whined.
"Justin, I'm kidding. Look, I just won't withhold it from you. If you want it and I want it, we'll do it. No more guilty bullshit. We'll just always know that it's seperate. We won't let it come between us anymore. I won't let it come between us anymore."
"Okay, but...."
"Justin, we'll change the brand of soap again. It will smell different."
"Again?"
"Yes, again."
"Oh."
"Can we go back to the other room now? I liked it better on the floor." Brian swatted Justin on the ass as he walked out of the bathroom.
"Why don't we sit on our couch? It's more comfortable."
"You mean, your couch," Brian said laughing.
"Brian, OUR couch."
"Fine, our couch. But no, I don't like that couch."
"What do you mean you don't like it? You would fuck me into oblivion on that couch."
"Yeah, I would drink sitting on that couch."
"That's another thing, why would you be so drunk on the days after the trick? What was that about?" Justin grabbed Brian's hand and pulled him to the couch.
Brian plopped down reluctantly as he let out a big sigh. "I'm getting tired of all this talking, Justin. Can't we fuck and make up now?"
"Noooooo, not yet. Why were you drinking the day after, was there a connection?"
"I guess so. I was feeling guilty about pushing you away. Feeling guilty made me mad at you. I was sitting on your couch, that you bought, and it made me mad. I just drank to stop thinking about all the bad feelings that I had. The guilt. The anger. To stop thinking about you."
Justin leaned over and kissed Brian on the neck. "Did it work?"
"What do you think?"
"Well considering how you would fuck the shit out of me when I got home, I would say that it didn't."
"Another gold star."
"Brian do you realize how stupid all this is? I mean, I hated it when you financially took care of me, but when I was trying to take care of you, it never occurred to me that you might feel the same way."
"Yeah, and I understood how powerful the sense of smell was but yet I couldn't figure out why you kept smelling me. I should have known. And I should have known that you wouldn't cheat on me again. That would have saved me a lot of grief yesterday."
"Brian, can we talk about yesterday now? Because I really need to understand why you treated me that way," Justin asked quietly.
"See, that whole thing is weird to me now. It was so erotic to me. I really felt like I was making love to you. I know that's how I felt at the time. It's hard to explain. But then this morning when I woke up, I looked in the mirror and all these other thoughts came flooding into my memory. So then I was confused as to what really happened. It's like all my first thoughts about how sensual it was got mixed with you calling my name and running off the bed. I can tell you what I was feeling at the time, but I think you'll have to fill in the rest because I have a feeling that what I think I did, is not necessarily what I actually did."
"I think you're right. Why don't you start at the beginning, but I'm going to interrupt when it strays from what really happened."
Brian nodded and began. "Do you remember the other night when you were playing with me with the vibrator?"
"Of course I do." Justin blushed. "But we're talking about last night Brian and what you did, not what I did the night before. That doesn't matter. Besides, I thought you liked it when I was playing with you."
"Yes, I did. You know you're amazing at that. I always feel so fucking turned on but at the same time so relaxed."
"Brian, you're stalling."
"No, I'm not. What went on last night actually started the night before."
"Huh?"
"I was laying there and you were working you're magic...did I tell you that you're sooo good at that?"
"Yes, now go on."
"So I was all turned on and feeling kind of hot and lazy...you know I don't get that way too often..."
"Yes, I know, but I like it."
"Me too. How about if I let you play right now? I'm getting kind of horny here."
"No. Go on."
"Later, then?"
"Maybe, it depends on how well you do with this part of the conversation."
"Oh, God. Pressure. Well, I always say I do my best work under pressure. And on my feet." Brian stood up and starting pacing in front of Justin.
"Brian, you're stalling."
"Okay, okay. I was about to get off when you moved up to my face, smelled me and just stared down at me. It made me feel so exposed, so vulnerable, it was kind of unnerving."
"I was trying to look inside you. I didn't understand what was going on with you. I knew you were mad at me but I didn't know why. I was trying to figure it out. I thought that when you were in that vulnerable state, right before you came, that I would be able to see something that would tell me what was going on."
"Did you find anything? What did you see?"
"I saw anger and resentment mixed with pleasure and it scared me. So then I knew that it wasn't my imagination, you really were mad at me. I just didn't know why."
"You know I looked into your eyes too at that moment. Do you know what I saw?"
"What?"
"Confusion, disgust, pain. That's what I saw. Then you left me there lying on the bed, vulnerable and open, went to the bathroom and shut the door. You wouldn't let me shower with you. You didn't want to go dancing. You barely talked to me at Woody's. I thought you'd met someone else again. I thought you saw me as this pathetic man that couldn't take care of you or myself. I thought I'd let you down. I thought that I'd caused you more pain. I thought that since I wasn't the confidant, successful Brian Kinney that you first fell for, that you didn't want to be with me anymore."
"Wow Brian, that's a lot of thoughts for one look. But, you know, you weren't the confidant, successful Brian Kinney that I first fell for anymore. That was the problem. But not because you were unemployed and didn't have money. It was because you were looking at me with anger in your eyes and you were pushing me away."
"I didn't realize that I was doing that. You were disgusted with me and I didn't like how it made me feel."
"I was disgusted with you, but not because of the reasons that you thought."
"Well, I understand that now, but I didn't then. I was sure that you were going to leave me again. It made me feel more pathetic, then angry, then disgusted. All these thoughts kept going through my mind over and over all night. When I woke up, I started drinking right away. I felt worthless. I wanted to be desireable again. I needed someone to want me, to need me."
"I needed you and wanted you."
"I didn't feel that."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't do that. You keep apologizing when it was me. You were just reacting to what I was doing. It was me, not you. Don't you see that?"
"But Brian, I should've talked to you. You said it yourself, that I'm better at that stuff. I've never been afraid to tell you what I was feeling before and I've never been afraid to tell you when you were fucking up. I didn't this time and I'm sorry."
"Stop it. Shit."
"Okay, I'll stop. So you were needing someone to want you. You called a trick, right?"
"Yeah."
"I knew it. You know there was this cycle. The days you would trick were when you wouldn't have sex with me, then the next day you would be drunk and fuck me all over the place. Then the next day, you would let me have my way with you and you would take care of my sore ass. God, I loved that third day. That was the only day that I felt like I knew who you were. So the night that I made you vulnerable was one of those nights, which meant that you would trick the next day."
"Hmmm. I didn't really realize all that. It was just kind of happening that way. I didn't plan it like that."
"Well, that's how I knew that you would've called a trick yesterday. But when I got home, you weren't in the shower. You were drunk and sitting on the couch. It was the wrong day. I got confused. You were panting, I could tell that you were angry. When you looked at me, I couldn't see Brian at all. It's like you were someone else and it scared me. I just wanted to get away from you to figure it all out but you came after me and I couldn't get away."
"Justin, you're jumping ahead. There's a reason for all that. A reason why the days got combined into one. There was only one other time that I had felt like I wasn't hot anymore. Do you remember the King of Babylon contest?"
"Yes, of course."
"You took that Shawn guy away from me. Do you remember that?"
"Yeah, he was hot."
"Stop it."
"Brian, you know I really wanted to be with you that night."
"I know. I went to the backroom and saw you fucking him. It really hurt me, but I didn't understand why."
"Cause you loved me." Justin looked at Brian with a smile.
Brian rolled his eyes. "Anyway...that was the last time that I felt like I wasn't such a hot stud afterall. And yesterday, that's how I was feeling. I called Shawn."
"What? Shawn was yesterday's trick? Oh, Brian."
"I know. Pretty pathetic, huh?"
"You're not pathetic, Brian."
"Well, you don't know the half of it yet. My plan was to fuck him senseless. Make him regret ever choosing you over me. I thought that I would be able to get some of my dignity back. I kept thinking about you and how I'd let you down. By the time he came over, I was pretty worked up. I started kissing him..."
"Brian, you can skip the details. I don't want to hear all that."
Brian walked back to the couch, sat down and took Justin's hand in his. "You have to hear it to know where my head was at by the time you came home."
"Okay, but don't give me too many details. I don't want it to taint parts of the loft for us."
"Oh, right. But I have to tell you where we were because it's important."
"Okay."
"He came inside, I shut the door and backed him up against it. He never came inside anymore than that. I was kissing him, but I was still thinking about you. The kiss didn't feel right. It freaked me out."
"So you are kissing tricks again."
"Yes. No. I mean, I wasn't. But I did him. I was thinking about you. I just needed a kiss. A kiss like you give me. I needed to feel what I feel with you but I didn't so I pulled away. I went down on him, but that didn't feel right either. It wasn't your cock that was in my mouth so I stopped. It's like I just couldn't get you out of my head. I got very angry. That had never happened to me before. I turned him around and started fucking him. It still didn't feel right. I didn't really want to be fucking him. I wanted you. I wanted to be inside you. To feel what I feel when I'm there. He was moaning and stuff and it just wasn't your voice. I told him to shut the fuck up. I was having a hard enough time without adding your voice into the mix. It made me angrier. When I opened my eyes, I saw myself in the mirror. I hadn't shaved or anything. I looked awful. I didn't even know who I was. Then it occurred to me that was what you saw when you looked at me. That was the disgust in your eyes. I stopped and kicked him out. It made me sick and I threw up."
"Brian, I need to ask you something."
"What?"
"Why do think that I don't trick?"
"Because you believe in monogamy, the white picket fence and happily ever after."
"You know, that's wrong. That's not it at all. All I want is to feel your mouth kissing me or wrapped around my dick. Your cock in my mouth. Your cock up my ass or mine up yours. That is what feels right to me. That's what I like to feel. No one else feels the same way to me so I don't want them. I'm not monogamous because it's what your suppose to do. I'm monogamous because I want to be."
"Hmmm. So that's what I was feeling yesterday?"
"I'm assuming so, but it's more than that too. You always tricked because you enjoyed it, not out of need. Then you stopped tricking because you said you just enjoyed being with me. That's how I feel. But then you started tricking out of need. That made you feel guilty, which made you feel disgusted and then sick. I can understand that. It wasn't because of guilt or disgust, for me. It was about you. You weren't doing it because you enjoyed it, you were doing it because you needed it. You don't like to need things, so it made you sick."
"Well, that's pretty fucked."
"Not really. I think you're closer to monogamy than you think." Justin smiled.
Brian moaned. "Like I said, that's pretty fucked. Is the world coming to an end now?"
"Hardly. You soooo love me, Brian Kinney."
"Shut up."
Justin leaned over and gave Brian a kiss. He pulled away smiling then turned serious. "So, you kicked him out, then what?"
"Jesus! We're not done yet?"
"Nope, just getting to the good part."
"Your ass is gonna owe me when we're done here."
"Yeah, we'll see who owes who. Go on."
"After I got sick, I poured another drink, downed it and then poured another. I just kept thinking about, how thinking about you, kept me from performing with Shawn. I was getting mad at you...mad at me...mad at everything. But I was still also feeling like I needed to be with you. I felt like I'd lost you and I just needed to feel you. To feel safe again. Of course, that made me mad again and I started to think about the drinking and how it made me treat you. I was so rough when I was drinking. I'm sorry about that."
"No, you don't have to be. Sometimes that can be so hot. I like it like that sometimes. It's like you need to be inside me so bad and you can't get enough. I feel that way all the time, so when you express that, it really turns me on."
"I thought you liked it, but sometimes I felt like I was hurting you too."
"No, that's not what hurts me. You always make me feel safe. You touch me or hold my hand or run your fingers through my hair. It's this intense passion with a sensitive touch. It's so sexy."
"Then why were you so scared yesterday? Why was it different from any of the other days that you came home and I was drunk? Why did you want to get away from me?"
"I heard a glass breaking when I opened the door. I knew you were angry. Then I got confused. It was the wrong day and you had this hatred in your eyes. I got scared and then you came after me."
"So? I always came after you. It didn't seem any different to me. I just needed to feel you, so I ran after you, like I always did."
"But it wasn't like before."
"Why? What was different for you? You said you liked it rough sometimes. You should have been turned on and you were."
"Yeah I was at first. You tell me what you did."
"You know what I did."
"Yeah, I do. But do you?"
"I think so. I remember kissing you. I remember that it was pretty hard and intense. I couldn't get enough of your mouth. I didn't want to let go. It was what was missing when I was kissing Shawn."
"Your tongue was so far down my throat that I almost gagged. I couldn't breathe, Brian."
"What? There is no fucking way that my tongue could make you gag. You take my whole cock in your mouth all the time. You're exaggerating."
"Well yeah, but when your dick is down my throat, I'm relaxed and I can move my tongue out of the way. I have control. This time I didn't. It was different. I felt like you were suffocating me so I pushed your tongue back out with mine."
Brian smirked. "I thought you were kissing me back. I needed your mouth wrapped around mine so badly. I guess I just went for it." When Justin didn't see the humor in the misunderstanding, Brian got serious again. "I'm sorry."
"Uh huh. Sorry's bullshit. Then what?"
"I went down on you. Your cock felt so good in my mouth. I know your cock so well, just like it was mine and I wanted to know it all over again. I remember going over every inch of it. It's so perfect, you know that?"
"You tried to bite it."
"What? I did not."
"Yes, you did. I yelled out when you did it and you stopped."
"I remember you screamed. It was an accident, I was kind of in a cock zone, my teeth got in the way."
"I don't think so. It's still sore in that spot."
"No way. Let me see."
"Here." Justin pointed and Brian leaned down and licked at the spot. Justin gasped and Brian continued. Justin started to hardened so he put his hands on Brian's head and pulled him off. "Brian, no."
"I'm sorry, I guess I got carried away."
"We're not there yet."
"No, I mean last night. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I guess I knew that. When you stopped kissing me, I looked into eyes. I couldn't find you. I was scared...the blow job was intense but scary at the same time. But then you did stop when I yelled out and it made me feel better. I thought that it would be alright because you would never hurt me on purpose."
"You know that I wouldn't."
"I knew that, at that moment, yes. Then what?"
"I flipped you over and fucked you."
Justin laughed. "I think there's quite a bit missing in there, don't you?"
"Not really. I wanted to be inside you. I wanted to feel you surround my dick. I wanted you to call out and moan like you always do. And you did. It was so great. It was exactly what I needed. I couldn't kiss you because I was behind you, but I remember kissing your shoulder and you really screamed. I love it when you do that. I came so hard, but when you ran to the bathroom, I realized that I'd forgotten to get you off too. I'm sorry about that."
"That's what you're sorry for?"
"Yes."
"You have it all wrong."
"Well, I know it was pretty rough, but you already said that you like that so why be sorry about it?"
"Because it wasn't just that it was rough, Brian. You weren't you. You weren't even there. I kept calling out your name to get you to come back to me but you just ignored me. I told you, the thing about being rough with you is that you always make me feel safe, no matter how hard or intense it gets. You touch me, you talk to me. It's me and it's you. We're connected. But that wasn't you....and I don't think that you thought you were fucking me."
"No, I knew it was you. That's why it was so good. I couldn't find it earlier that day. But when I was inside you, it was all you. I got lost inside, but it was still you."
"Then why wouldn't you hold me, touch me, talk to me? You were fucking me like a stranger. Do you know that?"
"No, no I wasn't. I knew it was you."
"Then why not touch me?"
"I don't know."
"That's fucked Brian. It was because I was just a trick to you."
"No, that's not true."
"Yes it is. You didn't prepare me at all. I tried to crawl away but you pulled me back. You just rammed into me. You fucking split me wide open. I tried to brace myself, but it hurt like it's never hurt before. It scared the shit out of me. I reached for your hand, I just needed you to touch me, to show me it was safe. You smacked my hand away, then instead of running your hands through my hair, you held my head down so hard into the mattress, I couldn't breathe..."
Justin's voice was raised and he'd stood up over Brian, with tears welling in his eyes. Brian was wincing, listening to all that Justin was saying. He tried to get up and Justin pushed him back down.
"No, that's not what happened."
"No?"
"No. It was the best. I'd never felt that connected to you before. I felt so safe inside you. I knew then that you wouldn't leave me, that you couldn't leave me. We fit together so perfectly. It felt so good. You were into it. You were screaming and moaning. I know you were. It was muffled and echoing in my head. It sent me over the edge."
"Yes, I was moaning, because it hurt. And it was muffled, because my face was smashed into the mattress. And yes, I screamed. You want to know why I screamed?" Justin's words were harsh with anger but he still had tears streaming down his face.
Brian didn't answer. He closed his eyes tight. He just couldn't look at Justin. He couldn't believe what Justin was saying and didn't want to hear anymore. He would never purposely hurt Justin.
"I screamed because of this." Justin turned around slightly. "Brian! Open your eyes and look at what 'sent you over the edge'. Look, damnit!!"
Brian opened his eyes and saw the purple and red bite mark on the back of Justin's shoulder. He ran to the bathroom and threw up. He sat on the floor of the bathroom, beside the toilet and leaned against the wall. He drew his knees up and put his face in his hands. He couldn't believe it was true. His vision of what had happened was so different, but yet this morning he knew that something bad had happened. He just felt it, but he didn't know what it was.
Justin entered the bathroom and moved to kneel in front of the despondent man. "Brian?"
"Don't."
"Don't what?"
"Don't look at me. You must hate me. I'm so sorry. You have to know...."
"I know Brian and I don't hate you. Sorry's bullshit, remember?"
"I would never hurt you, Justin. I'm starting to think that being sorry isn't such bullshit afterall. Will you ever be able to trust me again?"
"Yes, eventually. I just need to make sure that you know what happened and why so it won't happen again."
"I don't know why. Why would I do that to you? What happened to me?"
"You're asking me? Fuck if I know."
"Well if you don't know then we are fucked."
"No, we're not. I just think things got out of control. Not just last night, but for the last few weeks. We didn't deal with what we were going through. We used sex to get us through it. We can't do that anymore."
"We can't fuck anymore?"
Justin laughed, breaking the somber mood that was in the air while wiping the remaining tears away. "No."
"No? Now that's bullshit." Brian looked like a child that had been deprived of his favorite toy.
"No, Brian. Not no, we can't fuck anymore. No, we can't use sex to work through our problems. Geesh, I would never give up having sex with you. You're the only one I want to be with, remember, and celibacy is out of the question. So that means you have to get your shit together so we can have a normal, healthy sex life. You know, I'm young and need it all the time."
"We'll never be normal, Justin."
"You're probably right."
"What if I do this again?"
"You won't."
"How do you know? How can you be so sure?"
"Because you said you could fix our problem. This is our problem, Brian. How are you gonna fix it?"
"This wasn't the problem that I thought we had. I just thought the problem was me, not liking it when you thought that you had to take care of me, and pay for everything. But I know that you didn't like it when I did it to you. So that's two problems. Now this. This wasn't part of my plan."
Justin laughed. "Why don't you finish telling me how your plan will solve the problem that you thought we had? Because I think that all three problems that you mentioned are really the same problem."
"Justin, it's not funny."
"No, it's not, but I also don't think it's hopeless if you really understand the problem."
"I already explained my plan. We sell the stock, start up our own company then move on to the happily ever after part."
"No, that doesn't work for me."
"What? It's perfect. A dream come true. Justin, we'll be great. Sure, it won't be easy, but with my ideas and your talent we'll be brilliant."
"Brian, that solves your problem, it doesn't solve my problem."
"Huh? You said they were the same problem."
"They are."
"Okay, now who's talking in circles?"
"Brian, the stocks are yours. If you sell them, then the money will be yours. If that money is used to start the agency, then the agency will be yours, not mine."
"No, I already told you. 50/50."
"With 100 percent of your money."
"So you don't want to be partners?"
"I didn't say that."
"Then what are you saying? I want to do this, Justin. For us."
"So you can take care of me."
"Fuck."
"Uh huh. So you go sell those stocks, start up your agency and if you want to hire me, then I will come and work for you. But I have to tell you, I make really great tips at the diner, so it'll cost you."
"So you've told me a million times. Justin, this is fucked, but I see your point."
"Are you going to stop feeling like a pathetic looser now?"
"Hmmmm."
"Are you going to let me continue to buy stuff that's needed until your agency starts making money?"
"Hmmm."
"Brian are you listening to me?"
Brian got up off the bathroom floor, walked back into the living room and sat down on their couch, lost in thought.
Justin walked to the bedroom doorway. "Brian?"
"Let me think a minute."
"Do you want me to heat up the dinner?"
"Ummm, sure." Brian was still not really paying attention.
Justin heated up the food, filled their plates and delivered them to the couch.
"Hey, Justin. I have another solution."
"What's that?"
"I cash in the stocks and start up the agency but still with you as a partner."
"Brian, that's the same plan, and the answer is still no. I don't want you to just hand it to me. It's just like my tuition money. I have to pay that back. I don't want handouts. I can take care of myself."
"Are you finished now? I understand all that. Just listen. You could buy into the partnership with your profits."
"Huh? How would that work?"
"Each month the profits would be divided up between us, 50/50. Half of your profits, or 25% could be put back into the company as operating funds or into an escrow account until your half was paid for. I would be making more money than you until your buy-in was complete, but eventually you would be a full partner. No one would have to know our arrangement. To everyone else, you would be a full partner from the start. I really don't want to do this without you. Does that sound acceptable to you?"
"And we would draw up papers outlining everything. Payment schedules, interest and whatever else."
"Yes, but no interest. It's not a loan. It's just you buying into the company. Your earnings at first will be because of your talent and your contribution to the company. So your 50% of the profit won't be just handed to you. You'll have to earn it, just like I will."
"Well, that sounds good then." Justin started laughing.
"What's so funny?"
"Brian, there is a lot of humor in the fact that this opportunity has come up because of a condom ad, a blow job, us fucking each other over and Mikey."
Brian laughed as well. "Yeah, I guess your right. Ooooh, and Stockwell. That asshole. I guess we have him to thank too."
"Yeah, I guess so. This is going to be good, Brian. I can feel it. I've always wanted to be your partner."
"So, you'll be okay with me making more money than you for awhile?"
"As long as everything here at home is split. Let me pay my own way."
"Fuck."
"What?"
"That means we have to live with this fucking furniture a little while longer."
"Oh, poor baby."
"Mmmm. Yes. Can we have sex now?"
"I think you should eat something first."
"Why, I'd rather just get to the fucking and sucking."
"So you won't get the urge to bite me again."
"Fuck you, you twat."
"You have to catch me first."
Justin took off running through the entrance to the bedroom. Brian grabbed a handful of condoms off the floor and took off after him through the door on the other side. They crashed in the middle and landed in the middle of the bed. Their favorite spot.
"Ow! Fuck!"
"What? Did I hurt you again?"
"No, I'm lying on something. Get up."
They sat up to find Brian's lock box still lying on the bed with all of its contents strewn about. Justin started picking up the items.
"No! Wait!" Brian tried to grab the items out of Justin's hands.
"What is all this?"
"Just the stuff that was in my lock box with the stock certificate. Give them here."
"No, I want to see what else you kept in here." Justin clutched the stack of documents in his hands and jumped off the bed.
Brian dropped his head in his hands signalling defeat. 'Fuck.'
Justin sifted through the items until he came across the Valentine's Day card that he had given Brian their first year together. He held it up. "And what is this, may I ask?"
"I don't know. What is it?"
"You know damn well what it is, Brian Kinney. You are so fucked."
"God, I hope so."
